Day 14 - living through my partner, instead of supporting her part 1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live through my partner, under the intentions of wanting 'love' and affection from her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want love and affection, out of the idea that I am going to somehow 'lose her', which losing her, being losing the old relationship in which I participated in as self interest, and abuse towards my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell on how things used to be, because I have allowed myself to hold onto the control, the manipulation, the deception, in which I've used to want to keep my partner under my belt, and therefor, creating the abuse, and the only intention, on pleasing myself, to see another suffer for the sake of 'love'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want what's best for my self interest as a male ego, with having a woman that thinks I'm superior to other males, and therefor, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only want my partner, out of the intent that she will make me feel like I am worthy, and therefor, wanting the love and affection from her, as a tool of use.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my partner, to try and control and manipulate her, and then when she feels abused after I abused her, then turn around and try to tell her that "you're ok, don't worry, I won't do it again". Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my partner as a toy, and as something that is less than myself, because I have allowed myself to make myself less of an expression, and therefor fear facing myself in my limitations of expression, and then go abusing my partner to keep her AT&T he same level of limitation which I've accepted and allowed myself to exist and experience myself as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor use love, as an actually very abusive word, through always saying and talking love, but never actually showing real love, which I've used to deceive myself, with the pretty words I say, in order to not allow myself to really see what real love/giving is, real care for another human being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play mind games with myself, through making up this huge imagination of why I deserve my partner, why I should 'have' her. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of my partner as property, instead of living in expression equal to her, as letting room for expression and growth, instead of allowing the room of thoughts, and self deception to abuse my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take it completely serious, that the fact that we are still together, and that she is putting everything out there to give and give and give, and I've just been taking, and blaming, and using. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, that there's either going to be a change, to where I am responsible for how I treat my partner, or else I'm going to allow myself to use and use, until I only have abused her to such an extent, that she can't handle it anymore, and then to where it will have left her feeling betrayed, and feeling that she was used and abused.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that I can no longer allow lack of anything, because as soon as I lack the willingness to be active in giving as I would like to receive, and in building and standing by equal life principles, that I will have allowed myself to do the same thing that I've done previously towards my partner, to where it only abuses her, and I'm left satisfied, when she is still there to take it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to only give a fuck about how I feel, and to get so wrapped up in my own ego, that it's come to a point where my expression, is simply nothin but self interest, and abuse towards others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize, that my value of having been wanting to take care of my partner, has actually been only to feel good about myself, as worth, as someone people like, as someone that will not think I'm a burden, when really, I am completely waisting energy, on something that holds no value to anyone or my life, and actually shows people how worthless I'm really allowing myself to be, and become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let go of the fact, that I've really screwed up, and hurt other people, and that I can't do anything, but actually CHANGE myself, to be a better version for life, and to live as a living expression, and stop the participation in making excuses to not just care for life, and to let go of all the bullshit ideas, that I'm somehow valid, in how I feel, when really, it's all automatic and has no merit to actually what is right, and has no consideration to how I'm effecting others and making them feel, such as my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop, the abuse, the self loathing, the bullshit playing with myself and other people, simply because, I am not allowing myself to give myself room to breath, and change, and start really focusing and facing myself with the tools I have, in which I've made so many excuses not to use, and apply to my everyday living, and with how I treat other people, and within this case, my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give up laziness, to not give up everything I've used to not change, to not move, to not give myself the opportunity to stop. And use my mind, in a physically equal manner, instead of a manner of only attaining something, that will completely sabotage and abuse my process, and will have an effect on others, such as my partner, to where, they see that all I'm doing is abusing and hurting them deliberately for my sake of satisfaction, and where eventually, they will be fed up of being used, and will have no choice but to stop supporting me, because I'm not willing to be supportive, but rather constantly abuse in what ever way I can.

Self corrective statements will continue in part 2.

Day13 - fear of the unknown, and not letting go part 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself, hide myself in my house, within the fear of the unknown. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and understand, that this is simply the fear of myself, within not being able and willing to see myself, in whatever relationships I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself from facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within facing myself, as this point of self sabotaging myself within what I'm facing, and then, in reaction want to go into hiding, or into not seeing myself, my shit, and what I've accepted and allowed to exist as within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses such as "I'm worthless, egotistical, my partner is better than me" out of not practically facing myself in relationship to my partner, and seeing for real where I've placed myself in separation, as "better than" or "less than" her, and to see within these points, where I can improve, learn from her, and apply myself within the sense of physical equality, and how I relate to my partner on a physical level.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that holding onto emotions, ego, what I think is best, will only compromise my ability to learn what it means to be physically here, physically able to work with someone, something, and that I can't expect myself to be effective in this, or become more effective, If I still hold onto how I'm feeling, and experiencing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown, because I fear letting go of the shit, and the ego, the competition, the conflict, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to want to give up, or limit myself in relationships, expression, because I have accepted and allowed myself to not give up the energies, and thus within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, to get out there, and start learning more about myself, to where I can practically recreate myself in the best way possible, so that I can also better understand what it means to be in relationships with people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to take what I've become currently, personally, to the point where I have allowed it to dictate who I am as movement within change, and within my relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto emotional points, and ego, because I haven't allowed myself to be self honest within the fact, that I must learn how to be PHYSICALLY effective, and not emotionally effective, because emotions themselves, and characters and personalities, don't do shit but fuck up the situation within myself more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, that I can no longer depend on isolation, and must push myself, and place myself into this world, to actually change, because staying in my house, and hiding, won't allow myself to learn from myself, which yes, mistakes must be made, fears must be shown, and all the rest, because otherwise, I'll remain stuck, in my own created shit, which doesn't have to be the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be walking on egg shells, as if I "must not make a mistake" when not seeing, that I can't expect myself to learn and change, if I just hold back, and not communicate with people, or even if there's conflict within myself, because I see that there's so much shit that I've created, so much separation, so much limitation! that it won't change if all I do is expect everything to be easy, or non consequential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to judge myself within my effectiveness within this world, and to complain in my mind, that I'm not as effective, and let's be honest, no where even existing in the effectiveness that I could be building, and to thus expect things to just come tomorrow, when not seeing, that I must walk through my points, my limitations, my self judgements, and to place myself out in the world, to recreate my effectiveness, and my ability to live as life, and not holding onto this ego, this point of trying to fix what has already been fucked up, and to rather start working with the fuck ups, the ego, the shit, and to build effectiveness from where I'm at.

When and as I see myself wanting to hide, isolate myself, and not actually continue on with this process, in facing myself, I stop, I breath, and I pick myself back up from whatever points I had seen come up, and to make this the oppurtunity to get back out there, in relationships, in participating with what I have to do, in order to change, in order to physically apply, and to let go of ego, and the idea that I know best, or must think to change, when not seeing, that this shit can't go on if I plan on changing myself, changing my life.

When and as I see myself comparing myself, judging myself, hating myself in my mind, for what has been fucked up, and seeing that I still have points within myself, that are pretty nasty, I stop, I breath, and I let go of the judgements, and rather focus on physically movng myself to change, to become more self aware of who I have allowed myself to become within these experiences, and then to work with what's here, by being supportive for myself, and by building an effectiveness in changing, through relearning this physical timeline - lifetime, into becoming a physical expression, a supportive expressin, rather than an ego expression.

I commit myself to thus start focusing on what's physically here, and how I relate to the physical, and to build an understanding, through laying out a guideline to how I can become physically supportive for myself,a nd effective within my process.

I commit myself to put myself out there, to get into relationships, and to start taking self responsibility, within becoming active in my life, and to recreate myself, fall, make mistakes, build intimacy, build understanding, vocabulary, real confidence, everything that is required to develop myself in this lifetime as something that stands for what's best for all, and apply that to everything in this reality.

Day 12 - fear of the unknown, and not letting go

There was a point that I had remembered facing when with my partner. I had seen within myself, that I had much inner conflict, and I didn't know how to slow myself down, and I went into major anxiety, because the experience seemed as if I couldn't stop it. So a consequence occurred because of this, and after words I "felt" better, but it only time looped the point I was facing.

So what I've been experiencing ever since I experienced all of this - anxiety, conflict, the consequence - I've sort of "given up". I basically felt like I wasn't worthy to do what I was doing before, which was working on getting myself healthy, discovering myself in different relationships, setting goals and playing them out to get to a better position environmentally and financially, etc., and  the reason for this, is because of the fear of the unknown, and the fear that I would face myself in the same point of conflict, anxiety, consequence, or maybe a different outcome.

So the point is, is if I see myself in another, and that conflict within myself arises, then what's holding me back from supporting myself, and being HERE with that other person/my partner, well, it's the unwillingness to let go, to accept that I've done, felt, thought things in the past towards my partner, and have built a false relationship with her within myself. It's the very reason why I had went into such inner conflict, anxiety, because it's as if I was trying to "fix" what has already been destroyed within myself, when not seeing, that I can't try and fix everything, it's just not going to happen, and I must let go - breath, be here, stop thinking, and know that points are inevitable, and I can't even fathom every single point at once, because it must be slowly released, and then recreated into that which is best for all/the relationship with her.

This has been the underlying factor of why I had decided to end the agreement, or postpone it again, because I was scared of the unknown, which now facing this consequence, because, it's like, yes, I can't practically support another if I'm still facing myself in everyday life and still have tendencies to get disoriented and overwhelmed, but, I have used this point of ending the agreement at the same time, as a sort of "hiding" from my shit from the inner conflict.

So what I'm facing now, is being self aware, that I have accepted and allowed these overwhelming situations to occur within myself, which not only with my partner, but in jobs, in being out in public. So I see that this has placed quite a scare within myself, to where I have isolated myself in my house, not really doing anything that moves the ball forward within my process, within my relationships, within my life, and it's like this "fear of what will happen", because I am simply afraid of the unknown, what I will experience, what conflict will arise, whether I'll be able to handle it, or if it'll place me into a point of hiding again, compromising something that could've been, compromising myself in opportunities.

What I see, is that this is when I really have to stand, because I cannot dwell on points of "what could've been" any further, I must look at what I know can be done, and I must simply apply myself practically, within the tools I know, and must work with what I can do from this point forward, within the principles of self honesty, and face myself without further judgement, and to utilize when I do judge myself, get angry at myself, and to work with the inner conflict, by supporting myself with breath, with letting go, and get the ball moving, while knowing that I cannot control everything, and thus accept the unknown, and face it in due time.

Self forgiveness will continue in part 2.