Day 41 - conflicting thoughts, part 2 - seeing my symptoms

So I noticed last night, that I was showing some symptoms of schizophrenia when working.

My body was manifesting it and I would have these automatic impulses towards others. Not like in a dangerous way, but just reactive movements.

I see that this can be prevented however through breathing, and not thinking so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through conflicting thoughts towards my coworkers, rather than being here as breath, and seeing opportunities, and the potential harmony I could have with them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only think of myself in the situation of the work routine, and not see the potential of how we could work as a better team, with considering my coworkers on a positive and friendly way, along with the customers.

I commit myself to breath while at work, and look in a positive perspective with my coworkers and customers. I commit myself within this to study up on your wish is your command.

Day 40 - thinking conflicting thoughts about my co workers and costumers part 1

I don't know if you e ever applied for a job that was dealing with customer service, or where you had to move quickly with customers and co workers, where at first you just have automatic negative reactions. Well, I had allot of negative, and very overwhelming reactions at my job starting off.

I would constantly have this sour feel to my face, and aggression within my tone and body language. Luckily I was taken back to the Taco Bell line, that allowed a good break for the rest of the shift from customers face to face.

So what is it that causes me to have these reactions? Is it because I'm scared of taking things personally, and others seeing that I'm sensitive, and therefor I have this apprehensive reaction towards everybody as if they're out to hurt me, or look at me in this form of separation.

That's a good point. What keeps this separated perspective, where we feel like we aren't together as one in this world, when it's clear as day with night goggles on, that we all are one, and require supporting each other, have fun, and live together in harmony. I would say that If we all accepted this very real concept as a species, there would be Much less experiences of separation, or where the environments we end up in most of the time that cause that separated experience, wouldn't exist anymore.

Self forgiveness will be in part 2

Day 39 - expecting different results from old thought/behavioral patterns

I forgive myself (while loving self) that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into old obsessions through thought and behavior, when reacting to certain comments on Facebook, where I want to go into conflict with the opposer that I've created in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open to critical comments, and instead of defending myself, rather expand on the information from the person who is giving critique towards what I've put out there n my fb page.

When and as I see myself reacting to critical comments towards what I put out, I stop, breath, let go, and take a break for a moment, and then focus on something else, or come back to the comment and breath, whilst using processing the information in a principle of equality.

I commit myself to this corrective statement.

Thank you.

Day 38 - a new start on life.

in the past 2 months, I've been though a few versions of hell and back. First and most importantly, was when I ended up in jail for 2 days due to being lost in a delusion. I personally don't want to explain the facts, but let's just say jail is the definition of abuse in this world. I felt like I had no purpose, that I was a nobody who society hates.

Before then I was in the hospital, getting treatment for being diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now regardless if I have a mental illness, or whether there isn't such thing, and it's simply all a consequence of fucking up our minds, I will say that I need to stay on my medications prescribed.

I learned allot about myself and this world, and people, and with being in a hospital surrounded by patients, and jail surrounded by general population, I had certainly broken the introverted Nick, and scared of people nick, scared to express myself Nick to a good degree.

From this point forward and already having made good improvement, I'm going to look in front of me and not in the rear view mirror, unless I need to write sf on points.

I am stable on my medications now, and have a real positive practical mind set about my life, and what I will accept and what I will not accept through principles from desteni, and other sources.

I have goals to achieve, and changes to make, and ultimately to influence at greater positions to change this world into a place that is best for all.

Im taking things slow and steady, yet progressive.

Thank you desteni :).

Day 37 - fearing ng my demon/demons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my demon/demons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the woman, because I know what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear kids. Because I know what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love the demon, instead of releasing the demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain, but know, that I have the ability to endure pain, and not be afraid of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the woman, because I know that I have created a demon that wants to harm women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be unchanged moor table, not seeing that I welcome it, bbecause I know that I have so much potential, not to harm, fuck that, I am here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark, not seeing that I come from darkness, fuck off demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncomfortablility, because of the fear of hurting someone, women. - emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a bully, fuck that, no more comfort ability for this fucking bully.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not practically be here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work for my family, not fuck around with demon shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically take self responsibility in every moment of breath, and not t allow energy to take over and possess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the medication, and not practically take self responsibility for what is here.

I commit myself to go get a job at 7-11 today.

Day 36 - masturbation

When we masturbate, we connect with the universe.

When we masturbate, we cleanse our bodies through piss, shit, sweat, and coughing, and other forms of clearing waiste.

When we have sex, we support each other through cleansing our bodies, and enjoying the experience of physical activities, just like exercising.

Day 35 - I wait for me, under an influence. Part 2

Ive come to understand one thing, that has been the base line out of why I fear change. 

So I'll explain what has been occurring in my mind experience, and life experience at the moment which lead up to this point, which, I won't cover it up as if this is the breakthrough point of empowering myself, but, it very well is something I must write out, because this has been the absolute biggest point that has influenced all of my inability to REALLY do process.

So in these past 2 weeks, I have been in the pickle of seeing my own self destruction. I have seen primarily, how through participating in sex/porn, that this is the main key to destroying your life lmao. So, I have been seeing all around me, people point out all of my shit. I ask desteni "why is this happening, why is everything interconnected with my self destruction, where all of reality is throwing it right in my face?" Well, this is probably something I'm actually grateful for now, within this realization I will explain.

I have taken this pain that I experience with having to change, this ENORMOUS pain, where it's like, I can't face that pain, it's just absolutely too much, and no matter what I would do, I would absolutely be obliterated by what comes my way. So because of this, I might as well hide in my bedroom, in my moms house, and just wait for something to happen, and enjoy these last moments of my life before hell breaks lose, and I'm totally already fallen and deluded where I won't know what to do when it comes.

Now, in this time in hiding, I have been literally focusing 98% of my attention on desteni material. So, I know that I can't lie to myself knowing that I know I have to change, and I know deep inside me wants to change, otherwise I wouldn't be investing this much time in the material. In this time, I have learned about way more information. Such as the history of the universe, and mankind. I have gained allot of information from sunnett, Bernard, and destonians. Lol, and also have gotten some exposer for my bullshit, yet thankfully support afterwards. Now, it's only been about 3 weeks at most that I have masturbated to porn, and because of this, the temptation has been creeping up, especially once I stopped trying to move forward and face the hard shit. Yet, I'm grateful for this point.

I was just recently laying down, and I was scrolling through the news feed on fb, and saw this woman who was posed in a video with most of her ass showing, and in this perceived sexual position, which she ended up dancing, but clearly that much exposer was intended to attract males to start rubbing themselves off, or at least view and like the video. Anyways, I immediately had the sexual system energy flowing through. I was like "pornhub pornhub pornhub pornhub!!!" In my mind. Now, I started breathing immediately, because I knew that I really didn't want to further the shit I'm in already, even though that energy in itself is going to create consequence. Now I decided to go to YouTube and look at more desteni videos, but still, that absolute need to rub one off was there, but I just breathed through it. While I was looking for desteni videos, I came across an anti hate video from one of the destonians. I noticed that I usually would hide myself from the haters comments, but this time I decided to look anyways. Such things like "wtf is this satanist cult" " this is wierd fuck this cult". Then I decided to go to fb and deliberately look for that video with the woman's ass. Then at this point, I totally stopped. Got out of bed, and walked outside. I had this very pissed off sickening feeling, and at the moment I'm having allot of conflict with myself, my family. 

Then it clicked. I realized, that I have been allowing people all in my life, the system, people who are absolutely full of shit and abusive intent, who only cared to have manipulated me for their intent of gaining power, to have total power over me.. Whenever I have tried to break free, I was destroyed. Whenever I have tried to tell people what I was seeing and genuinely feeling, they would use that against me and tell me it was my fault. All of this has correlated throughout my life, as it has through many others, who have wanted to break out of this system, and people, and the system itself just beats a club over your head saying "listen to me, I am your authority, I know what's best". It's so easy to blame those who have created this, and yet I have accepted and allowed it, but at the same time, I know that I have totally been manipulated and decided by the system. However, I still accept and allow manipulation within my own participation in the same system.

So, what I know, is that I can't depend on anyone to coddle me in helping me figure out this life, and what's best for me. Therefor, there's no reason to fear the system in its entirety, because that isn't who I am, and I know that my fears have only been created through manipulation and deception, and therefor, I'm only fearing losing myself within the point of know I have lost myself most of my life.

So, this isn't some point to say I'm totally committed to process, because honestly, I can't step out of my house without becoming shit scared of everything around me. But I do know, that I have been fucked with into this state, and therefor have fucked myself into this state, because of the simple fact that I have feared losing myself, and resented those who have contributed to that fear.

The journey starts when I am ready, I know, and It happens in a single breath, I know. There's no excuses to be made, and I will only prove it to myself once each action is accumulated in consistency., and knowing that there isn't some magical person who will do it for me.

I want a life that is dignified, and I know I have the potential. No beautiful self motivation, but the simple self realization of who I really can become.

Like Bernard said in a video interview, something along the lines of "when I fall, I immediately respond. It's my fucking life. You don't fuck around with that shit."

I either am empowered by who I know I am in this moment, or I allow my fears that were the origin of abusers and decievers to control me...

More blogs will be here to come.