Day 42 - agitation with family

today has been alittle different than when I was taking 800 mg of seroquel. I woke up feeling agitated towards my family. It was like I was blaming them for how I felt, and so when they talked to me, I had this feeling of like "fuck just leave me alone."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel agitated towards my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath while feeling agitated, and rather than blaming them and being disrespectful towards them, I could've slowed down and been more nice, and receptive to what they were telling me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush when being around my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to just blow them off, without slowing down, and listening to what they have to say.

When and as I see myself feeling agitated due to coming off the meds, I stop I breath, and I pay attention to my breath, and reference back to what's supportive/fun, and I commit myself to always relate support, as fun.

Day 41 - conflicting thoughts, part 2 - seeing my symptoms

So I noticed last night, that I was showing some symptoms of schizophrenia when working.

My body was manifesting it and I would have these automatic impulses towards others. Not like in a dangerous way, but just reactive movements.

I see that this can be prevented however through breathing, and not thinking so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through conflicting thoughts towards my coworkers, rather than being here as breath, and seeing opportunities, and the potential harmony I could have with them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only think of myself in the situation of the work routine, and not see the potential of how we could work as a better team, with considering my coworkers on a positive and friendly way, along with the customers.

I commit myself to breath while at work, and look in a positive perspective with my coworkers and customers. I commit myself within this to study up on your wish is your command.

Day 40 - thinking conflicting thoughts about my co workers and costumers part 1

I don't know if you e ever applied for a job that was dealing with customer service, or where you had to move quickly with customers and co workers, where at first you just have automatic negative reactions. Well, I had allot of negative, and very overwhelming reactions at my job starting off.

I would constantly have this sour feel to my face, and aggression within my tone and body language. Luckily I was taken back to the Taco Bell line, that allowed a good break for the rest of the shift from customers face to face.

So what is it that causes me to have these reactions? Is it because I'm scared of taking things personally, and others seeing that I'm sensitive, and therefor I have this apprehensive reaction towards everybody as if they're out to hurt me, or look at me in this form of separation.

That's a good point. What keeps this separated perspective, where we feel like we aren't together as one in this world, when it's clear as day with night goggles on, that we all are one, and require supporting each other, have fun, and live together in harmony. I would say that If we all accepted this very real concept as a species, there would be Much less experiences of separation, or where the environments we end up in most of the time that cause that separated experience, wouldn't exist anymore.

Self forgiveness will be in part 2

Day 39 - expecting different results from old thought/behavioral patterns

I forgive myself (while loving self) that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into old obsessions through thought and behavior, when reacting to certain comments on Facebook, where I want to go into conflict with the opposer that I've created in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open to critical comments, and instead of defending myself, rather expand on the information from the person who is giving critique towards what I've put out there n my fb page.

When and as I see myself reacting to critical comments towards what I put out, I stop, breath, let go, and take a break for a moment, and then focus on something else, or come back to the comment and breath, whilst using processing the information in a principle of equality.

I commit myself to this corrective statement.

Thank you.

Day 38 - a new start on life.

in the past 2 months, I've been though a few versions of hell and back. First and most importantly, was when I ended up in jail for 2 days due to being lost in a delusion. I personally don't want to explain the facts, but let's just say jail is the definition of abuse in this world. I felt like I had no purpose, that I was a nobody who society hates.

Before then I was in the hospital, getting treatment for being diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now regardless if I have a mental illness, or whether there isn't such thing, and it's simply all a consequence of fucking up our minds, I will say that I need to stay on my medications prescribed.

I learned allot about myself and this world, and people, and with being in a hospital surrounded by patients, and jail surrounded by general population, I had certainly broken the introverted Nick, and scared of people nick, scared to express myself Nick to a good degree.

From this point forward and already having made good improvement, I'm going to look in front of me and not in the rear view mirror, unless I need to write sf on points.

I am stable on my medications now, and have a real positive practical mind set about my life, and what I will accept and what I will not accept through principles from desteni, and other sources.

I have goals to achieve, and changes to make, and ultimately to influence at greater positions to change this world into a place that is best for all.

Im taking things slow and steady, yet progressive.

Thank you desteni :).

Day 37 - fearing ng my demon/demons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my demon/demons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the woman, because I know what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear kids. Because I know what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love the demon, instead of releasing the demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain, but know, that I have the ability to endure pain, and not be afraid of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the woman, because I know that I have created a demon that wants to harm women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be unchanged moor table, not seeing that I welcome it, bbecause I know that I have so much potential, not to harm, fuck that, I am here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark, not seeing that I come from darkness, fuck off demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncomfortablility, because of the fear of hurting someone, women. - emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a bully, fuck that, no more comfort ability for this fucking bully.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not practically be here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work for my family, not fuck around with demon shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically take self responsibility in every moment of breath, and not t allow energy to take over and possess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the medication, and not practically take self responsibility for what is here.

I commit myself to go get a job at 7-11 today.

Day 36 - masturbation

When we masturbate, we connect with the universe.

When we masturbate, we cleanse our bodies through piss, shit, sweat, and coughing, and other forms of clearing waiste.

When we have sex, we support each other through cleansing our bodies, and enjoying the experience of physical activities, just like exercising.