Day 50 - always having to be the pretty boy with the big toys and the big boys.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a huge ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to be a big boy, who wants the big toys, so that I can feel bigger than others, and then insert my knowledge into people who clearly see how full of shit I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be better than my fellow man/human/living beings, and only want the big boy toys for myself and feel big, so that others can bow down to my presence, not seeing and realizing that I m only comforting/conforming myself with bullshit status superficial gargan that I can therefor feel better and feel richer, and feel and experience all of these great superior motives and things that I just come up within my mind.

Day 49 - self consciousness, and the war within

So there is a point where I have developed back into a self conscious state. Things start becoming more frustrating, irritating, and allot of inner conflict starts reoccurring because of this point of self consciousness about either my physical appearance, my intelligence, how good of a person I am, etc.

So what has been occurring from consequence within this is allot of resentment towards the people around me, where I will start blaming them in my mind, anytime I sense there presence, and it just on't go away. There's so much inner dialog of defense systems for my position of being good enough, in where I'm really abusing myself and being hard on myself for how I look, or where Ii'm at in my life, where I just feel like shit the more the days pass by, and really I just want to flip my shit on the world, on the people around me, but am suppresing it with trying to keep up with being accepted by others, which clearly isn't going to fucking happen. 

What I must understand is - no one gives a fuck, or is going to give a fuck about me as much as I give a fuck about me. In this world, we were all built this way, where we have no full unconditional care for another human for what's best for their life, and even if we did, we still have our own lives to take care of, and can't just have success and a fulfilling life handed to us through a spoon.

So the point is trying to be so accepted by others through looks, intelligence, and just trying to appear strong a possible "be a fucking man". So I'm hard on myself, and I punish myself for how I look, for where I'm at in my life, and just have so much inner conflict that really is all surrounded by me not believing I'm good enough for myself to accept myself. 

It's a very tricky point to get lost into, because it really affects how one feels in their own skin.

So It's time to develop some comfortably within myself here. Regardless if I am fat, not so intellectual, so successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for being fat, for being not as intelligent, for hating myself for where I'm at in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get frustrated with myself in everything I do, because I am just constantly punishing myself, in where I therefor never feel good enough to do anything, in where I end up just further punishing myself and compounding anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pent up this anger and then direct it towards other to try to deliberately make them feel worse than the shit I feel inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction to the point of anger within myself, rather than directing it through self forgiveness. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be patient within the anger point to discover where it really comes from, and how I could direct the point through writing out self forgiveness to release the point more clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the delusions of wanting to "look attractive" in where I want to be accepted, or fulfill n illusion of happiness, when not seeing and realizing that I am merely buying into the consumerism, sex side of the system in this reality in where I will only fuck myself over by participating in those systems, even when knowing how much bullshit the dynamics are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself therefor for being fat, or for not being as capable for a female, when not seeing and realizing hat I am preconceiving what it means to be effective in a relationhip, as if it has anything to do with looks, when clearly it has nothing to do with it but the intimacy with the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted nd allowed myself to attach my ego to this "intelligent" personality, in where I believe I have to be better, when not seeing and realizing that it is a practical expression of who I am here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, and then judge others for how they are, when not seeing and realizing how limited it is to judge each's expressions as something better or worse, when in reality it is something practical that is used as a tool for the person to effectively participate in their world around them - the mind being the tool.

When and as I see myself going into anger, and self judgement, Ii stop and breath, and I do not further punish myself, or go into the point of accumulating the desires of wanting to "look attractive", or "be intelligent", and to learn and develop self acceptance.

I commit myself to redefine what is "beautiful".

day 48 - My turning point in process

So I would like to write about where, and when my turning point in process occurred, in where it was a turning point for the process itself, but as how I experienced myself after that point as a whole.

It started when I went to go pick up Adrian Blackburn (fellow destonian) from the airport in Fort Worth Texas. On the way I was very excited, on a happy trip, and was still on my medications seroquel. I was in a state in my life where I had fallen so much into psychiatry, and was absolutely miserable in having to take the meds and feel so dumbed down and sedated.

So I got to the airport, and picked up Adrian. He welcomed me with a huge embracing hug, in which I was too much in my mind to take in the moment for what it really was, and happened to state "wow that was a big bear hug", as if I was surprised to receive such a welcoming hug. We got in the truck, and decided to head towards Austin Texas already. So not shortly after we made the decision, I was still on a very high in my mind, very much into the whole law of attraction, and wanting to be a super pop star famous musician, Ii mean just all of the positivity in the world right. Well, shortly after, I commented on the GPS voice, and I said "bitch shut up". Well then, Adrian happened to reply "wow there was allot of charge in that word". After this, everything came to life - my mind, all of the secrete pent up anger, desires, just everything. I started having a breakdown, and just was freaking out within myself. Now taking into the fact I was still coming off the meds, this was probably a big factor to what I was experiencing, but of course I was seeing the reality of the mind once again. So I started being unable to function with riving, becaue I was just having so much anxiety that I couldn't even move at some points, and was just absolutely scared of everything around me. So Adrian decided to drive, but then I was to nervous to let him drive, and so I decided to drive to the nearest hotel, no matter how expensive it was. I just had to get into a "safe place" and lay down and breath.

It was very supportive having Adrian there with me, because he explained to me that it was just all in my head, and to just breath. At this point, I just started voicing all of my points out to Adrian, in which he was very easily able to identify what I was going through, and my whole situation in why I experienced so much fear. The conclusion came down to the fact that Ii just simply didn't have enough self trust, and that I depended so much on the mind, on possessions, and psychiatry, as if there was always this feeling that something was wrong with me.

So long story short, this hole trip was eye opening. We went to Austin the next day, and each day felt more calming, relaxing, and I felt more self confident than ever before, as Adrian supported me so much with the best advice I've ever received for my specific situation, that it all made sense. So many realizations came up for both of us, and I saw the world for what it really was in the most practical sense I've ever seen this world. It was clearly fucked up, and I had to remain in self trust, I had to gift myself self love, and to not trust anybody but myself, because after all, I was the only one who had the authority of who I would define myself, and create myself to be.

Now there has been problems still ever since I got back home in Midland, but It's all being taking care of, and I get back up from my falls, and have been applying myself more effectively, within the whole sensation within myself that I am me, I am here, and no one can fuck with that, and I can always trust myself, regardless of what I experience, regardless of where I am. Also, to help that more, is to stay of cigarettes, booz, weed, porn, and allowing any participation in the mind.

I've learned to truly love myself allot more fully, even though there's still missing links, there is still that self awareness of who I really am, within the fact that Ii know I'm not some inferior person to anyone else, or superior, in that I can therefor embrace everything in this life as for what it is, and to recreate this world in a place that is best for all.

Thank you Adrian, you truly are a friend who cares so much, and it was the absolute changing point for my life all together. My life has changed because of your support and the trip we had, and I know I will be successful as a person in this life because of it.

Day 46 - entertaining my mind to suppress the reality of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind as entertainment to escape the reality of what is here. Which I understand that I have had some vitamin b12, and coffee which increased physical energy, but yet using this energy to entertain thoughts, where I'm not taking directive responsibility for what's here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush within myself, as seeing that - yes, my body may be working a bit faster because of the energy, but to not go into mental energetic experiences and to slow down within the mind.

When and as I see myself going into mental experiences, I stop and breath, and I take it back to physical practicality as of what is here, and go through the process of releasing whatever mental points I'm experiencing, and to start working with what is here.

I commit myself to therefor work physically on things, where I'm focused on self development, and to work out of the mind with what is here.

Day 45 - being impatient when practicing guitar.

So I notice that I have a tendency to pick up my instrument, and when I practice or study the craft, I have little patients for developing my skill. I'll read alittle, play alittle, and put it down. So I see that just simply not putting in consistent work ethic, is a problem from getting better and moving forward quickly towards my career in music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put in the effort that I expect to manifest results equal to that effort, and being disappointed when I don't see the results.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that with time and patients, reaps great rewards, as I already have results for the limited styles that I play which I do nearly at a proficient level due to the amount of hours and work I've put into those styles I'm really good add, specifically finger style percussive.

When and as I see myself getting impatient, I stop, I breath, and I simply find a way to enjoy the process of learning, knowing that I'm supporting myself as a musician.

I commit myself to practice for 25 minutes at a time, and to schedule my practice times, as well as getting in the most comfortable setting I can to effectively practice and improve as a musician.

Day 44 - believing that I am not a good enough player at guitar

so today I went to the music store, and started playing on the guitars and the amps that I wanted. I was playing some intervals and rifts that I've been learning, and started being excited about how well I was playing compared to how I've recently been playing before. So it was a fun experience, but then I started saying to myself "I'm still not good enough". So it's like, even though I'm playing music, I'm not being HERE with what I'm playing, and actually enjoying it, yet telling myself "still not 'as good'".

Now there's nothing wrong with knowing I could be better, but I need to understand that It's the journey as a musician/artist that counts, and not expecting anything more than what I'm playing in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not a good enough guitar player when I play, out of the judgement that others are better, and therefor that somehow doesn't make me a worthy Enough musician/artist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being a great musician, as something aligned with my worthiness as a musician, rather than being grateful, and happy with how well I play now, and how fun the journey is going to be from now until I die as a musician/artist.

I see and realize that I should be easy on myself, and grateful that I play what I play, and express what I express, as well as being enthused about what will come in the future, such as my potential in colleges, or bands, or meeting other musicians.

I commit myself to be here as breath with expressing music, as well as working towards small step goals that I can be grateful for as a musician/artist.

Day 43 - addiction to escapism, not dealing with my reality.

So tonight I had a setback from dealing with getting off meds. I was planning on only taking 400 milligrams, but instead near midnight took 600 just about. I did it while I was listening to the crucifixion of Jesus, and started reacting toward it, and then I realized the high from the meds was wearing off, and I wasn't hungry anymore, and so I immediately took the med, and ate allot of food.

See, drugs, whether they are illegal or not,  are there for numbi out the reHELLity that we have created within us, which I see this, yet, I decide to define it as a hell, and so its entertained as such.

So, maybe I shouldn't be hard on myself for buying into the extra 200, because tapering off actually is suggested to do it for weeks at a time. Never the less, I need to aim for 400 milligrams at night.

What I noticed is that my feelings of living expression are coming out, and also I'm more effective without being drugged up so much. So I enjoy it as a loving expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to drug myself up to escape my owned preprogramming, and where I want to suppress everything through drugs and food, where I can just act like it's not there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared when a specific experience comes up, like believing that I'm demon possessed, or God possessed, or where I react and fear certain information and fear something bad happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically breath, and practice breathing more, and focus on writing out my experience, and forgiving any points I use that experience to justify abusing my mind body and beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work as a group, and for real change, by being apart of the change that is best for all, and stop making excuses such as "hallucinations are too hard to deal with" or where I blame everybody and my experience of paranoia on medication.

I see and realize that I have the power to take self responsibility, but must do it and learn from mistakes, which I need to test out my medications with how I can taper off, and be more responsible and eventually totally get off of the medications.

I commit myself to not go cold turkey off meds, as well as work on breathing through mental, being, and physical experiences off the meds.