Day 43 - addiction to escapism, not dealing with my reality.

So tonight I had a setback from dealing with getting off meds. I was planning on only taking 400 milligrams, but instead near midnight took 600 just about. I did it while I was listening to the crucifixion of Jesus, and started reacting toward it, and then I realized the high from the meds was wearing off, and I wasn't hungry anymore, and so I immediately took the med, and ate allot of food.

See, drugs, whether they are illegal or not,  are there for numbi out the reHELLity that we have created within us, which I see this, yet, I decide to define it as a hell, and so its entertained as such.

So, maybe I shouldn't be hard on myself for buying into the extra 200, because tapering off actually is suggested to do it for weeks at a time. Never the less, I need to aim for 400 milligrams at night.

What I noticed is that my feelings of living expression are coming out, and also I'm more effective without being drugged up so much. So I enjoy it as a loving expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to drug myself up to escape my owned preprogramming, and where I want to suppress everything through drugs and food, where I can just act like it's not there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared when a specific experience comes up, like believing that I'm demon possessed, or God possessed, or where I react and fear certain information and fear something bad happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically breath, and practice breathing more, and focus on writing out my experience, and forgiving any points I use that experience to justify abusing my mind body and beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work as a group, and for real change, by being apart of the change that is best for all, and stop making excuses such as "hallucinations are too hard to deal with" or where I blame everybody and my experience of paranoia on medication.

I see and realize that I have the power to take self responsibility, but must do it and learn from mistakes, which I need to test out my medications with how I can taper off, and be more responsible and eventually totally get off of the medications.

I commit myself to not go cold turkey off meds, as well as work on breathing through mental, being, and physical experiences off the meds.