day 30 - becoming anxious and overwehlmed when having to change.

          So I'm finally coming to a point, where I realize there's too much self induced pain occuring in my life. I have been through tramendous mental turmoil before, and it seems I haven't actually gotten to the root problem in order to actually stand up, and effectively change myself for the betterment of myself and how I would effect others.


          I've realized that I've grown an addiction to certain behavior patterns, which also being influenced by weed, alchohol, and porn. These three physical addictions have very much caused a huge emotional layer upon another, that I've defined as "terrified of changing". When I started builing real momentum to change, I was quickly getting this huge wave of anxiety, and then would want to suppress that by going to one of the 3 physical addictions. I haven't allowed myself to even slightly realize how much I've been self abusing, and in consequence I'm paying the emotional and psychological toll.


          There's only so much pain one allows themself to andure untill you MUST change to save yourself, and not only do I need to save myself at this point, but I need to make a life long commitment that I will give/gift care to myself and eventually in due time to others, no matter what happens. Time and time again, I have blamed, self sabotaged, and abused myself and others, in the name of self interest for the sake of my own comfort, to try to escape the ultimate point of facing the reality that 100% self responsibility is required to live in this world, whether the world is totally fucked up, or totally in harmony.


          I make a commitment to myself here, that I will no longer accept uneccasary suffering to continue, and to only live for what's best for myself and others. When I fall I get back up, forgive myself, correct, and not look back.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses not to change, because I don't want to experience pain in losing what's familiar to me/comfort.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing familiarity, because I understand that it would mean giving up the illusions in which I participate in, in order to prevent my full self responsibility in this world, for my life and for others.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the use of physical addictions, o suppress the pain that I've ignored, which has shown that I'm not taking self responsibility.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to develop depression, in order to self sabotog myself, and then express it to others so to prevent myself from taking self responsibility, where I then expect others to feel sorry for me.


          When and as I see myself making excuses, merely because of pain that occurs in the process of changing, I stop and breath, and focus on what to change practically in the moment that would be supportive for my life and would build a better version of myself as a living expression.


          I commit myself to walk a process of giving up my addictions mentally and physically, and focus primarily on changing without giving into addictions and old habbits, through self forgiveness, self corrective statements and self application.