Day 35 - I wait for me, under an influence. Part 2

Ive come to understand one thing, that has been the base line out of why I fear change. 

So I'll explain what has been occurring in my mind experience, and life experience at the moment which lead up to this point, which, I won't cover it up as if this is the breakthrough point of empowering myself, but, it very well is something I must write out, because this has been the absolute biggest point that has influenced all of my inability to REALLY do process.

So in these past 2 weeks, I have been in the pickle of seeing my own self destruction. I have seen primarily, how through participating in sex/porn, that this is the main key to destroying your life lmao. So, I have been seeing all around me, people point out all of my shit. I ask desteni "why is this happening, why is everything interconnected with my self destruction, where all of reality is throwing it right in my face?" Well, this is probably something I'm actually grateful for now, within this realization I will explain.

I have taken this pain that I experience with having to change, this ENORMOUS pain, where it's like, I can't face that pain, it's just absolutely too much, and no matter what I would do, I would absolutely be obliterated by what comes my way. So because of this, I might as well hide in my bedroom, in my moms house, and just wait for something to happen, and enjoy these last moments of my life before hell breaks lose, and I'm totally already fallen and deluded where I won't know what to do when it comes.

Now, in this time in hiding, I have been literally focusing 98% of my attention on desteni material. So, I know that I can't lie to myself knowing that I know I have to change, and I know deep inside me wants to change, otherwise I wouldn't be investing this much time in the material. In this time, I have learned about way more information. Such as the history of the universe, and mankind. I have gained allot of information from sunnett, Bernard, and destonians. Lol, and also have gotten some exposer for my bullshit, yet thankfully support afterwards. Now, it's only been about 3 weeks at most that I have masturbated to porn, and because of this, the temptation has been creeping up, especially once I stopped trying to move forward and face the hard shit. Yet, I'm grateful for this point.

I was just recently laying down, and I was scrolling through the news feed on fb, and saw this woman who was posed in a video with most of her ass showing, and in this perceived sexual position, which she ended up dancing, but clearly that much exposer was intended to attract males to start rubbing themselves off, or at least view and like the video. Anyways, I immediately had the sexual system energy flowing through. I was like "pornhub pornhub pornhub pornhub!!!" In my mind. Now, I started breathing immediately, because I knew that I really didn't want to further the shit I'm in already, even though that energy in itself is going to create consequence. Now I decided to go to YouTube and look at more desteni videos, but still, that absolute need to rub one off was there, but I just breathed through it. While I was looking for desteni videos, I came across an anti hate video from one of the destonians. I noticed that I usually would hide myself from the haters comments, but this time I decided to look anyways. Such things like "wtf is this satanist cult" " this is wierd fuck this cult". Then I decided to go to fb and deliberately look for that video with the woman's ass. Then at this point, I totally stopped. Got out of bed, and walked outside. I had this very pissed off sickening feeling, and at the moment I'm having allot of conflict with myself, my family. 

Then it clicked. I realized, that I have been allowing people all in my life, the system, people who are absolutely full of shit and abusive intent, who only cared to have manipulated me for their intent of gaining power, to have total power over me.. Whenever I have tried to break free, I was destroyed. Whenever I have tried to tell people what I was seeing and genuinely feeling, they would use that against me and tell me it was my fault. All of this has correlated throughout my life, as it has through many others, who have wanted to break out of this system, and people, and the system itself just beats a club over your head saying "listen to me, I am your authority, I know what's best". It's so easy to blame those who have created this, and yet I have accepted and allowed it, but at the same time, I know that I have totally been manipulated and decided by the system. However, I still accept and allow manipulation within my own participation in the same system.

So, what I know, is that I can't depend on anyone to coddle me in helping me figure out this life, and what's best for me. Therefor, there's no reason to fear the system in its entirety, because that isn't who I am, and I know that my fears have only been created through manipulation and deception, and therefor, I'm only fearing losing myself within the point of know I have lost myself most of my life.

So, this isn't some point to say I'm totally committed to process, because honestly, I can't step out of my house without becoming shit scared of everything around me. But I do know, that I have been fucked with into this state, and therefor have fucked myself into this state, because of the simple fact that I have feared losing myself, and resented those who have contributed to that fear.

The journey starts when I am ready, I know, and It happens in a single breath, I know. There's no excuses to be made, and I will only prove it to myself once each action is accumulated in consistency., and knowing that there isn't some magical person who will do it for me.

I want a life that is dignified, and I know I have the potential. No beautiful self motivation, but the simple self realization of who I really can become.

Like Bernard said in a video interview, something along the lines of "when I fall, I immediately respond. It's my fucking life. You don't fuck around with that shit."

I either am empowered by who I know I am in this moment, or I allow my fears that were the origin of abusers and decievers to control me...

More blogs will be here to come.

Day 34 - I wait for time, while my life isn't infinite....

I have made it clear to myself, the currently aware consequences of what will happen if I do not move myself in each moment of breath here, to make sure I am not intensifying whatever cycle I've been in for these last some odd years of this "process", and before I discovered desteni.

I wait for time to do the work for me, because I have depended my self worth, experience, and what I identify with on my mind.

I woke up this morning, just absolutely siked out in my mind. My thoughts gave my this experience of how fucking evil I am. I disregarded everything, even in that moment, and went back to sleep. I then had a dream where I was talking to this cashier, and I said some statement, and she said "ummm.. Ok?", and then I woke up, and had this thought that was super magnified, where I thought to myself "fat people are fat because they want to start a revolution". Then I proceeded for one second to actually believe that thought to be valid, in where I would go out and tell that to everybody. I felt very fucking dumb, and also realized, that I am allowing my life to be controlled by the parasitic  fucking nature of my mind.

When I was in Oklahoma City, Where I was living there was these 2 dogs I had to take care of. They seemed fine on the surface, but then once I looked at their bodies after about a week, I noticed there were these white bumps on them. It looked disgusting. So I called my birth mom who I was staying with, and sent her a picture. Well come to find out they were ticks, blood suckers. One of the dogs that lived with her ended up dieing because the of these blood suckers. So these dogs were being eaten away by parasites, which I come to understand now that parasites like ticks are the manifestation of the human mind.

So, I am being controlled by a tick inside my head, who is sucking the life out of me, and I can slowly but surely get rid of this ticks, yet I am just laying in a huge field of ticks, and allowing my body to rot, literally. The one visual evidence is my teeth. I barely noticed 2 days ago that I have tooth decay, and last night more of it showed up, and so I figured out that I have a cavity that has this red center spot, digging into my enamel. Also, with having lacked myself to get ahold of a dentist, I have a speeding ticket that I have to pay off in 14 days, and I don't even have a job. So here I am, laying in my bed, just wanting my mind to be reprogrammed in an instant, and fearing the pain I'm going to have to endure to actually fight off this huge tick, and while I'm waiting for time to cure me, my life is slowly but surely rotting away.

There was a point where I was at least doing some sort of movement forward just a few days ago, and I really fucking realized, "wow, this fucking sucks shit" because the harsh truth that I have to face, and the real change I have to be consistent with to eradicate all of the fucked up shit in this life. Shortly I ended up giving into the resistance, which I didn't really look at it this way, more like "the world is too hard, I'm just going to hide from it", when I in fact created it. However, even though the extensive pain that comes with process, it is nothing compared to the real pain that I am allowing to manifest by not doing anything. If I allowed myself to lay here and hope for time to cure me and this world any further, I will encounter some very, very real pain, and maybe even death. Who knows, I could lay here for another week, and I get a deep infection in my mouth, and then because I don't want to face my reality, just let it be, and then I have a warrant for my arrest because I didn't show up to curt, and then go to jail, and have to face that environment, and then the infection gets worse, and Im REALLY facing myself in jail, because that's just simply looking a good extent of the abuse in this world right in the face. Then I end up getting sick because the infection, and I don't get treated, and I end up dieing... It seems a bit over exaggerated from how quickly I'd die, but the point is, Is that I have accepted this of myself. I have accepted the idea, that I don't deserve to live a cool life, or at least the coolest I can possibly have it be considering consequences I'm really facing. I have told myself "Nick, you're a piece of shit human, everybody knows it, and because of that, you deserve nothing, and you need to just sit back, and know that that is all you will ever be. Just fucking lay in bed, and let your life go to shit and waiste. Don't fight the good fight and stand for yourself, because everybody deserves it but you."


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for my life, in the actual real time movement, to support myself, and truly live in each moment, push through resistance, challenges, because I fear the pain that I know comes with change, and believe that pain to be a reason why I shouldn't go through with changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a life of unnecessary suffering, restriction, and limitation, because I have existed as this character that I have hidin behind, to validate the fucked up shit I am not willing to take responsibility for, because I separate myself from everybody else, and separate me from me, and don't want to admit that I am creating massive amounts of suffering, FOR MYSELF AS WELL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that allowing this energetic attachment to what I've used to make me feel good, is actually sickening, fucked up, and the reason why the consequences I'm facing exist, because I have allowed people to suffer in my name, along with killing myself for the sake of a fucking illusion.

I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base what I do, on how I feel, instead of who I am, because I know, that who I am REALLY, was always meant to be life, and that a glimps of my is still there, and that I see what I am doing to myself, and the life that I know I can really bring out and live, and not destroy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify feeling and experience, over the real issue and real pain that exists. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want my positive fix, and NOT really be self honest with what I want, which is to live in this world, and create myself in his world as a man who doesn't take anything less than what is best for everyone., because it also includes myself, in which looking at what I am existing as, I am not doing myself any good by holding on to bullshit ideas that I believe are serving me and the people I only could wish I had some real fucking consideration for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept that it's going to be very difficult, especially at first, but that I know damn fucking well, that if I simply allow myself to trust myself, that I can get through however long it may take to become consistent and effective, and create results that will support me, and that I know I will be way more fucking thankful for, than living like a peice of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider this world, and that there are people that suffer way worse, and also, that there are going to be people that will be in my similar shoes, who will miss their chance at living their best life, if I don't step the fuck up and take the up most responsibility for myself, because I know that I would be in a way worse scenario, if it weren't for those who unconditionally supported me, and to this day still do, and who I know won't quit, and for me to just sit here and disregard them for everything they have done for me,  and not apply what they have given to me, is really fucking shitty.

When and as I see myself becoming very eager to quit, simply because I am experiencing resistance, pain, and challenge, I stop, I breath, I slow the fuck down, stop what I'm doing if I have to, and reassess what I really want for myself, and for this world that I know I would want for others, because I know I would want it for myself.

I commit myself to this one commitment, if it has to be a commitment, that I will not allow the suffering, and fucked up shitty existence that I haveaccepted and allowed up to this point, and that no matter how tough shit gets, that I know I have support, and that I know I have self trust, and breath to validate that there is no excuse to not move forward at all times until it is done. I have a head, I have hands, I have a full functioning, currently a little bit weak, but healthy functioning body, and that there is no fucking excuse to say that a fucking experience is the reason why I can't change.

Day 33 - Accepting less than what I'm truly capable of

         




          There's a point that I've recognized, which is that I allow less than what I'm truly capable of. I've accepted the habits and efforts of somebody who is weak minded.


       
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept less effort, and less forms of habits, than what I'm truly capable of putting forth.


        
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect results to come my way , when not seeing and understanding, that I must put in the most amount of effort possible to succeed.


        
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define happiness as this immediate energetic emotional feeling that "must exist", when not seeing and realizing. that physical effort, yet with conviction and building belief, is the only way to truly be happy.


         
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to not truly act with my most effort, because I allow the fear of exposing myself to high uncomfortability, and pain take over instead of looking at what's absolutely best for myself and the mark that I'm perfectly capable of making in this world.


        
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect the world to owe me, when not seeing and understanding, that I am no better or more worth anyone else, and must take strong action to give to this world, and not just simply take for my personal self interests.


       
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up temporary pleasures, and comfort for intense uncomfortability, and growth. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not sacrifice and dedicate my life to what's best for myself, and this world.


        
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully stick with the commitment of hard work, regardless of how difficult and tough things tend to get.


        


           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect luxury and great things, simply by wishing it, instead of actually putting in the intense amount of work that is required to get to the point I need to be at.


       
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play scenarios in my head of how hard I'm working, instead of being present and actually doing the hard amount of work that I require to do, to get to a greater version of myself.


   
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think these scenarios, because I would rather have attention for my personal interests, than the actual results that contribute to society, people I care about, myself, and my character.


 
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not place full focus on what it is that builds me, and allows that, than what destroys and limits me and that which is best for this world.


 
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and understand, that what's best for this world is a place that supports all life equally, and to give my full contribution and expression that's most genuine and best for this world, starting from people like family, to the masses.



           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame other people, and separate myself from them, as if they are the cause of my lack of fulfillment and happiness.


   
           I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and understand, that true happiness comes from taking full self responsibility, and giving as much as I can to others and this world.


 
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other people on how they are, because I'm insecure with the fact that I'm not fully expressing my effort and responsibility in this world. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not want to do something, and allow that to control me, instead of to committing to the principle of doing everything I must do to be the best version of myself, and to equally give my all in empathy and consideration to other people/humans, and all life on earth.


   
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider all life on earth, because I have only considered my own "happiness" in the delusions I use to make myself feel better than others as more successful, or more attractive, and generally dominant.


   
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be dominant, because I know that I'm insecure about my competence in this world, and therefor crave attention for what I'm really not.



          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wish for the attention of what I do, because I hold value towards what other people think, due to the lack of security within myself as to who I am. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to link euphoria to this idea of attention that people giving or might/will give to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not value the reality of what I am as physical expression, and what I can work very hard for, to get to the goal of contributing to other people, and the world.



          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to value comfort over the value of change and growth, for the betterment of myself and this world, because of the conditioning of false pleasures that only benefit quick fixes and highs that only serve my personal self interest.


 
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow feeling and mere automatic relationships, instead of causing friction and changing myself in every aspect of who I am, regardless of how difficult it is.


  
         When and as I see myself not putting in the full amount of effort that I'm capable of putting in, I stop, and breath, and I look at what I can do better than what I'm putting forth. Then immediately take massive action without hesitation at all!!


  
         When and as I see myself becoming entitled to have greatness, I stop, and breath, and I immediately take action into the intent of giving to myself the ability to work my fucking ass off, on the real value of expressing my full potential, and contributing that needed responsibility to the world.


   
        When and as I see myself going into energetic states of what happiness "should be", with wishful thinking that gives me the feeling that I'll receive attention for the idea of myself, I stop, and breath, and I immediately take action with the most intense effort possible without any excuses to what some bullshit delusional mind energy will give me.


    
        When and as I see, myself only considering myself in this world, and in each situation that I'm in, I stop, and breath, and realize that my comfortability, isn't nearly as important as the betterment of this world, and my ability to fully express my total potential.


  
        When and as I see myself wanting to settle for comfortable situations, instead of pushing myself, and totally acting on the commitment to bettering myself at the best effort each and every day, I stop, and breath, and I understand that whatever I'm painfully experiencing, is always something to be grateful for, and looked at as a blessing, to drive myself to expose myself to more of it, in order for strength, and growth.


    
        When and as I see myself in an extremely tough place, and I want to just give up, I stop, and breath, and I remember that giving my all, and slamming the pedal through those tough times, is the best way to learn, strengthen, and grow into a man that I absolutely need to be, and can perfectly acquire.


 
        When and as I see myself going into a wishful state of thinking, simply out of expecting luxury, I stop, and breath, and I go back into reality, which is who I am in this moment, being grateful for what's in my life, and then moving forward with intense effort, and no excuse but to work my ass off with conviction and a burning drive that I will become the best version of myself, and create the best results for this world.


 
        When and as I see myself creating the idea that I'm working hard, instead of actually in physical time (with no thought), putting in the hardest work that I can possibly put in.


 
        When and as I see myself day dreaming of having attention, for being this "great person", I stop, and breath, and I self honestly look at what I'm lacking in true character, and I improve that point of what I'm lacking in, but without expecting other people to see me do it, but for what's truly valuable - life, expression, the well being of humans, plants, and animals, and true fulfillments and enjoyment.


  
       When and as I see myself losing focus on what's most effective, and best for myself, and the betterment of this world, out of wanting to stick to comfortability, and temporary/false pleasure, I stop, and breath, and I immediately move myself into a state of the most focus I can possibly give, with the tools I have, and with physically acting at full physical effort.


  
       When and as I see myself falling into the mind, of self interest, and comfortability, I stop, and breath, and I walk into self forgiveness statements, that open up the understanding, that I must live my purpose as life here on earth, to contribute to what is absolutely best for all life, and not just my personal satisfaction/delusion.


  
       When and as I see myself going into blaming other people for my failures, my shortcomings, my experiences, my feeling, and my circumstances, I stop, and breath, and I immediately write down 5 things that I'm lacking in, and then next to it, put - why the fuck haven't I done anything about this, and then do something about it, with completely letting go of the separation between myself, and anyone, no matter who it is.
   
       I see and realize, that taking 100% full self responsibility - giving to others, and this world my best physical output, that this is the true source of fulfillment, happiness, and success.
   
      When and as I see myself comparing myself to others as "they are better/worse than me in this particular trait" I stop, and breath, and I practically see that I must reference back to the point of becoming the best version of myself, for the purpose, of giving to this world, and its ability to fulfill its fullest potential and purpose.
   
      I see and realize that accepting and allowing delusions and experiences to exist as valid, and then allowing them to manifest with my own personal deluded self interests, are the very essence of the problem of why I fail, why I cause abuse to others, and do not fully fulfill my purpose in giving as I would like to receive, in taking full self responsibility.
   
      When and as I see myself expecting attention, or fantasizing about the attention I would get from others for some quality I have, I stop, and breath, and I do not follow into the point of accepting or allowing myself to separate myself from others in any form as being "better than" them, and to focus on the value of giving, and contributing to this world with humbleness, and not with trying to show off.
   
      I commit myself to always value physical potential, expression, and contribution over any type of ego boost, or mental energetic experience that only separates myself from others, for my own self interest in gaining power. Within this, I see and realize that the only real value comes from what gives life its fullest expression, which means that I must gift myself my fullest expression, through hard work, and change, with intense passion, and effort.
   
      I commit myself, to growth, to ultimate change every day, and to never expect anything less, than what's best for the moment HERE, that will actually change myself for real, which initially will be very painful, but is necessary to grow into the best version of myself, so that I can give to myself, and this world the best possible outcome.
    
      I commit myself to always be in the moment, as much as I can, with hard effort, without allowing my emotional state to dictate what, or who I am, and the full effort I require to grow, and to change, for the betterment of not only myself, but this world.

Day 32 - Procrastination with the excuse that there's nothing to do

The problem I've been having, and accepting and allowing, is procrastinating with the idea that there is nothing to do, when In fact I have multiple options that would make my time productive and useful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to waiste time through procrastination and not doing anything because of the excuse that there's nothing to do, when I'm really just not wanting to put in the effort, and not wanting to experience the physical force it requires, because I've accepted and allowed myself to define working my hardest as "bad", or "boring", when I'n fact, regardless of how challenging it is, I could benifit in the long term if I would just move myself, and develop a perspective that work is something that I can enjoy, and to define what the real experience of working is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look at the micro situations, of telling myself "well this isn't working out currently", when not realizing that I have so much benifit from working my hardest, believing in myself with self confidence, and through having practical patients and faith that it will all work out, without anything being fear driven. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at the future of what I am capable of, and focusing on what It is that I am aiming for.

When and as I see myself holding back through procrastination, with making the excuse that I have nothing else to do, I stop, and breath, and I move myself to doing something that benifits my goals of what I want to be and do in the future.

I commit myself to work my hardest, yet not too hard, and to focus on the macro situatin that I am aiming for in my life with no excuses or waisting time.

Day 32 - Procrastination with the excuse that there's nothing to do

The problem I've been having, and accepting and allowing, is procrastinating with the idea that there is nothing to do, when In fact I have multiple options that would make my time productive and useful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to waiste time through procrastination and not doing anything because of the excuse that there's nothing to do, when I'm really just not wanting to put in the effort, and not wanting to experience the physical force it requires, because I've accepted and allowed myself to define working my hardest as "bad", or "boring", when I'n fact, regardless of how challenging it is, I could benifit in the long term if I would just move myself, and develop a perspective that work is something that I can enjoy, and to define what the real experience of working is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look at the micro situations, of telling myself "well this isn't working out currently", when not realizing that I have so much benifit from working my hardest, believing in myself with self confidence, and through having practical patients and faith that it will all work out, without anything being fear driven. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at the future of what I am capable of, and focusing on what It is that I am aiming for.

When and as I see myself holding back through procrastination, with making the excuse that I have nothing else to do, I stop, and breath, and I move myself to doing something that benifits my goals of what I want to be and do in the future.

I commit myself to work my hardest, yet not too hard, and to focus on the macro situatin that I am aiming for in my life with no excuses or waisting time.

Day 31 - The resistance to commiting to action

          Today I recognized a problem within myself that I have when it comes to commiting to a schedule, activity, chore, job, or just anything in general that requires my participation. What I notice is that I get stressed easily when I'm on a busy schedule, because usually I'm ao used to sitting on my ass and not doing anything but fulfill mental pleasures that I use to escape my existence/reality.


          I ended up sleeping for 3 hours when I noticed that I was getting very stressed out. I made the feeling and experience of stress into this physical tiredness. So I waisted 3 hours getting unecessary sleep, and therefor throwing off my schedule of tasks I needed to do.


          The main pattern of thoughts and experiences that came up was the definition of - this is too much, because I'm so used to not doing anything that this chore, or activity takes too much effort from me. So this pattern tended to make my movement in what I was doing more exshausting.


SELF FORGIVENESS STATEMENTS:
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have resistance to tasks, and therefor make it harder on myself to complete them, with the pattern of thoughts, and experiences of - this is too much, I'd rather lay down, or just chill.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate these thoughts and experiences from old patterns/habits of not sticking to commitments of completing a task at my best ability, and slacking off from taking self responsibility in what requires my physical participation.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the experience of physical effort as "bad" because I have built an addiction to pleasure, which I've related to not taking responsibility, and not physically moving myself and working on something physical that benifits me and others.


SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS:
          When and as I see myself experiencing resistance to tasks when telling myself "this is too much, I stop, breath, and I take a 2 minute break, and focus on the vision of what I want, and what I know is best, and then go back to the task with more clarity and confidence.


          I commit myself to develop confidence, consistency, and effectiveness in tasks, and what I participate in to achieve goals, and responsibilities.

day 30 - becoming anxious and overwehlmed when having to change.

          So I'm finally coming to a point, where I realize there's too much self induced pain occuring in my life. I have been through tramendous mental turmoil before, and it seems I haven't actually gotten to the root problem in order to actually stand up, and effectively change myself for the betterment of myself and how I would effect others.


          I've realized that I've grown an addiction to certain behavior patterns, which also being influenced by weed, alchohol, and porn. These three physical addictions have very much caused a huge emotional layer upon another, that I've defined as "terrified of changing". When I started builing real momentum to change, I was quickly getting this huge wave of anxiety, and then would want to suppress that by going to one of the 3 physical addictions. I haven't allowed myself to even slightly realize how much I've been self abusing, and in consequence I'm paying the emotional and psychological toll.


          There's only so much pain one allows themself to andure untill you MUST change to save yourself, and not only do I need to save myself at this point, but I need to make a life long commitment that I will give/gift care to myself and eventually in due time to others, no matter what happens. Time and time again, I have blamed, self sabotaged, and abused myself and others, in the name of self interest for the sake of my own comfort, to try to escape the ultimate point of facing the reality that 100% self responsibility is required to live in this world, whether the world is totally fucked up, or totally in harmony.


          I make a commitment to myself here, that I will no longer accept uneccasary suffering to continue, and to only live for what's best for myself and others. When I fall I get back up, forgive myself, correct, and not look back.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses not to change, because I don't want to experience pain in losing what's familiar to me/comfort.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing familiarity, because I understand that it would mean giving up the illusions in which I participate in, in order to prevent my full self responsibility in this world, for my life and for others.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the use of physical addictions, o suppress the pain that I've ignored, which has shown that I'm not taking self responsibility.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to develop depression, in order to self sabotog myself, and then express it to others so to prevent myself from taking self responsibility, where I then expect others to feel sorry for me.


          When and as I see myself making excuses, merely because of pain that occurs in the process of changing, I stop and breath, and focus on what to change practically in the moment that would be supportive for my life and would build a better version of myself as a living expression.


          I commit myself to walk a process of giving up my addictions mentally and physically, and focus primarily on changing without giving into addictions and old habbits, through self forgiveness, self corrective statements and self application.