day 48 - My turning point in process

So I would like to write about where, and when my turning point in process occurred, in where it was a turning point for the process itself, but as how I experienced myself after that point as a whole.

It started when I went to go pick up Adrian Blackburn (fellow destonian) from the airport in Fort Worth Texas. On the way I was very excited, on a happy trip, and was still on my medications seroquel. I was in a state in my life where I had fallen so much into psychiatry, and was absolutely miserable in having to take the meds and feel so dumbed down and sedated.

So I got to the airport, and picked up Adrian. He welcomed me with a huge embracing hug, in which I was too much in my mind to take in the moment for what it really was, and happened to state "wow that was a big bear hug", as if I was surprised to receive such a welcoming hug. We got in the truck, and decided to head towards Austin Texas already. So not shortly after we made the decision, I was still on a very high in my mind, very much into the whole law of attraction, and wanting to be a super pop star famous musician, Ii mean just all of the positivity in the world right. Well, shortly after, I commented on the GPS voice, and I said "bitch shut up". Well then, Adrian happened to reply "wow there was allot of charge in that word". After this, everything came to life - my mind, all of the secrete pent up anger, desires, just everything. I started having a breakdown, and just was freaking out within myself. Now taking into the fact I was still coming off the meds, this was probably a big factor to what I was experiencing, but of course I was seeing the reality of the mind once again. So I started being unable to function with riving, becaue I was just having so much anxiety that I couldn't even move at some points, and was just absolutely scared of everything around me. So Adrian decided to drive, but then I was to nervous to let him drive, and so I decided to drive to the nearest hotel, no matter how expensive it was. I just had to get into a "safe place" and lay down and breath.

It was very supportive having Adrian there with me, because he explained to me that it was just all in my head, and to just breath. At this point, I just started voicing all of my points out to Adrian, in which he was very easily able to identify what I was going through, and my whole situation in why I experienced so much fear. The conclusion came down to the fact that Ii just simply didn't have enough self trust, and that I depended so much on the mind, on possessions, and psychiatry, as if there was always this feeling that something was wrong with me.

So long story short, this hole trip was eye opening. We went to Austin the next day, and each day felt more calming, relaxing, and I felt more self confident than ever before, as Adrian supported me so much with the best advice I've ever received for my specific situation, that it all made sense. So many realizations came up for both of us, and I saw the world for what it really was in the most practical sense I've ever seen this world. It was clearly fucked up, and I had to remain in self trust, I had to gift myself self love, and to not trust anybody but myself, because after all, I was the only one who had the authority of who I would define myself, and create myself to be.

Now there has been problems still ever since I got back home in Midland, but It's all being taking care of, and I get back up from my falls, and have been applying myself more effectively, within the whole sensation within myself that I am me, I am here, and no one can fuck with that, and I can always trust myself, regardless of what I experience, regardless of where I am. Also, to help that more, is to stay of cigarettes, booz, weed, porn, and allowing any participation in the mind.

I've learned to truly love myself allot more fully, even though there's still missing links, there is still that self awareness of who I really am, within the fact that Ii know I'm not some inferior person to anyone else, or superior, in that I can therefor embrace everything in this life as for what it is, and to recreate this world in a place that is best for all.

Thank you Adrian, you truly are a friend who cares so much, and it was the absolute changing point for my life all together. My life has changed because of your support and the trip we had, and I know I will be successful as a person in this life because of it.

Day 46 - entertaining my mind to suppress the reality of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind as entertainment to escape the reality of what is here. Which I understand that I have had some vitamin b12, and coffee which increased physical energy, but yet using this energy to entertain thoughts, where I'm not taking directive responsibility for what's here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush within myself, as seeing that - yes, my body may be working a bit faster because of the energy, but to not go into mental energetic experiences and to slow down within the mind.

When and as I see myself going into mental experiences, I stop and breath, and I take it back to physical practicality as of what is here, and go through the process of releasing whatever mental points I'm experiencing, and to start working with what is here.

I commit myself to therefor work physically on things, where I'm focused on self development, and to work out of the mind with what is here.

Day 45 - being impatient when practicing guitar.

So I notice that I have a tendency to pick up my instrument, and when I practice or study the craft, I have little patients for developing my skill. I'll read alittle, play alittle, and put it down. So I see that just simply not putting in consistent work ethic, is a problem from getting better and moving forward quickly towards my career in music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put in the effort that I expect to manifest results equal to that effort, and being disappointed when I don't see the results.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that with time and patients, reaps great rewards, as I already have results for the limited styles that I play which I do nearly at a proficient level due to the amount of hours and work I've put into those styles I'm really good add, specifically finger style percussive.

When and as I see myself getting impatient, I stop, I breath, and I simply find a way to enjoy the process of learning, knowing that I'm supporting myself as a musician.

I commit myself to practice for 25 minutes at a time, and to schedule my practice times, as well as getting in the most comfortable setting I can to effectively practice and improve as a musician.

Day 44 - believing that I am not a good enough player at guitar

so today I went to the music store, and started playing on the guitars and the amps that I wanted. I was playing some intervals and rifts that I've been learning, and started being excited about how well I was playing compared to how I've recently been playing before. So it was a fun experience, but then I started saying to myself "I'm still not good enough". So it's like, even though I'm playing music, I'm not being HERE with what I'm playing, and actually enjoying it, yet telling myself "still not 'as good'".

Now there's nothing wrong with knowing I could be better, but I need to understand that It's the journey as a musician/artist that counts, and not expecting anything more than what I'm playing in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not a good enough guitar player when I play, out of the judgement that others are better, and therefor that somehow doesn't make me a worthy Enough musician/artist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being a great musician, as something aligned with my worthiness as a musician, rather than being grateful, and happy with how well I play now, and how fun the journey is going to be from now until I die as a musician/artist.

I see and realize that I should be easy on myself, and grateful that I play what I play, and express what I express, as well as being enthused about what will come in the future, such as my potential in colleges, or bands, or meeting other musicians.

I commit myself to be here as breath with expressing music, as well as working towards small step goals that I can be grateful for as a musician/artist.

Day 43 - addiction to escapism, not dealing with my reality.

So tonight I had a setback from dealing with getting off meds. I was planning on only taking 400 milligrams, but instead near midnight took 600 just about. I did it while I was listening to the crucifixion of Jesus, and started reacting toward it, and then I realized the high from the meds was wearing off, and I wasn't hungry anymore, and so I immediately took the med, and ate allot of food.

See, drugs, whether they are illegal or not,  are there for numbi out the reHELLity that we have created within us, which I see this, yet, I decide to define it as a hell, and so its entertained as such.

So, maybe I shouldn't be hard on myself for buying into the extra 200, because tapering off actually is suggested to do it for weeks at a time. Never the less, I need to aim for 400 milligrams at night.

What I noticed is that my feelings of living expression are coming out, and also I'm more effective without being drugged up so much. So I enjoy it as a loving expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to drug myself up to escape my owned preprogramming, and where I want to suppress everything through drugs and food, where I can just act like it's not there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared when a specific experience comes up, like believing that I'm demon possessed, or God possessed, or where I react and fear certain information and fear something bad happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically breath, and practice breathing more, and focus on writing out my experience, and forgiving any points I use that experience to justify abusing my mind body and beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work as a group, and for real change, by being apart of the change that is best for all, and stop making excuses such as "hallucinations are too hard to deal with" or where I blame everybody and my experience of paranoia on medication.

I see and realize that I have the power to take self responsibility, but must do it and learn from mistakes, which I need to test out my medications with how I can taper off, and be more responsible and eventually totally get off of the medications.

I commit myself to not go cold turkey off meds, as well as work on breathing through mental, being, and physical experiences off the meds.

Day 42 - agitation with family

today has been alittle different than when I was taking 800 mg of seroquel. I woke up feeling agitated towards my family. It was like I was blaming them for how I felt, and so when they talked to me, I had this feeling of like "fuck just leave me alone."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel agitated towards my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath while feeling agitated, and rather than blaming them and being disrespectful towards them, I could've slowed down and been more nice, and receptive to what they were telling me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush when being around my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to just blow them off, without slowing down, and listening to what they have to say.

When and as I see myself feeling agitated due to coming off the meds, I stop I breath, and I pay attention to my breath, and reference back to what's supportive/fun, and I commit myself to always relate support, as fun.

Day 41 - conflicting thoughts, part 2 - seeing my symptoms

So I noticed last night, that I was showing some symptoms of schizophrenia when working.

My body was manifesting it and I would have these automatic impulses towards others. Not like in a dangerous way, but just reactive movements.

I see that this can be prevented however through breathing, and not thinking so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through conflicting thoughts towards my coworkers, rather than being here as breath, and seeing opportunities, and the potential harmony I could have with them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only think of myself in the situation of the work routine, and not see the potential of how we could work as a better team, with considering my coworkers on a positive and friendly way, along with the customers.

I commit myself to breath while at work, and look in a positive perspective with my coworkers and customers. I commit myself within this to study up on your wish is your command.