I have made it clear to myself, the currently aware consequences of what will happen if I do not move myself in each moment of breath here, to make sure I am not intensifying whatever cycle I've been in for these last some odd years of this "process", and before I discovered desteni.
I wait for time to do the work for me, because I have depended my self worth, experience, and what I identify with on my mind.
I woke up this morning, just absolutely siked out in my mind. My thoughts gave my this experience of how fucking evil I am. I disregarded everything, even in that moment, and went back to sleep. I then had a dream where I was talking to this cashier, and I said some statement, and she said "ummm.. Ok?", and then I woke up, and had this thought that was super magnified, where I thought to myself "fat people are fat because they want to start a revolution". Then I proceeded for one second to actually believe that thought to be valid, in where I would go out and tell that to everybody. I felt very fucking dumb, and also realized, that I am allowing my life to be controlled by the parasitic fucking nature of my mind.
When I was in Oklahoma City, Where I was living there was these 2 dogs I had to take care of. They seemed fine on the surface, but then once I looked at their bodies after about a week, I noticed there were these white bumps on them. It looked disgusting. So I called my birth mom who I was staying with, and sent her a picture. Well come to find out they were ticks, blood suckers. One of the dogs that lived with her ended up dieing because the of these blood suckers. So these dogs were being eaten away by parasites, which I come to understand now that parasites like ticks are the manifestation of the human mind.
So, I am being controlled by a tick inside my head, who is sucking the life out of me, and I can slowly but surely get rid of this ticks, yet I am just laying in a huge field of ticks, and allowing my body to rot, literally. The one visual evidence is my teeth. I barely noticed 2 days ago that I have tooth decay, and last night more of it showed up, and so I figured out that I have a cavity that has this red center spot, digging into my enamel. Also, with having lacked myself to get ahold of a dentist, I have a speeding ticket that I have to pay off in 14 days, and I don't even have a job. So here I am, laying in my bed, just wanting my mind to be reprogrammed in an instant, and fearing the pain I'm going to have to endure to actually fight off this huge tick, and while I'm waiting for time to cure me, my life is slowly but surely rotting away.
There was a point where I was at least doing some sort of movement forward just a few days ago, and I really fucking realized, "wow, this fucking sucks shit" because the harsh truth that I have to face, and the real change I have to be consistent with to eradicate all of the fucked up shit in this life. Shortly I ended up giving into the resistance, which I didn't really look at it this way, more like "the world is too hard, I'm just going to hide from it", when I in fact created it. However, even though the extensive pain that comes with process, it is nothing compared to the real pain that I am allowing to manifest by not doing anything. If I allowed myself to lay here and hope for time to cure me and this world any further, I will encounter some very, very real pain, and maybe even death. Who knows, I could lay here for another week, and I get a deep infection in my mouth, and then because I don't want to face my reality, just let it be, and then I have a warrant for my arrest because I didn't show up to curt, and then go to jail, and have to face that environment, and then the infection gets worse, and Im REALLY facing myself in jail, because that's just simply looking a good extent of the abuse in this world right in the face. Then I end up getting sick because the infection, and I don't get treated, and I end up dieing... It seems a bit over exaggerated from how quickly I'd die, but the point is, Is that I have accepted this of myself. I have accepted the idea, that I don't deserve to live a cool life, or at least the coolest I can possibly have it be considering consequences I'm really facing. I have told myself "Nick, you're a piece of shit human, everybody knows it, and because of that, you deserve nothing, and you need to just sit back, and know that that is all you will ever be. Just fucking lay in bed, and let your life go to shit and waiste. Don't fight the good fight and stand for yourself, because everybody deserves it but you."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for my life, in the actual real time movement, to support myself, and truly live in each moment, push through resistance, challenges, because I fear the pain that I know comes with change, and believe that pain to be a reason why I shouldn't go through with changing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a life of unnecessary suffering, restriction, and limitation, because I have existed as this character that I have hidin behind, to validate the fucked up shit I am not willing to take responsibility for, because I separate myself from everybody else, and separate me from me, and don't want to admit that I am creating massive amounts of suffering, FOR MYSELF AS WELL.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that allowing this energetic attachment to what I've used to make me feel good, is actually sickening, fucked up, and the reason why the consequences I'm facing exist, because I have allowed people to suffer in my name, along with killing myself for the sake of a fucking illusion.
I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base what I do, on how I feel, instead of who I am, because I know, that who I am REALLY, was always meant to be life, and that a glimps of my is still there, and that I see what I am doing to myself, and the life that I know I can really bring out and live, and not destroy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify feeling and experience, over the real issue and real pain that exists. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want my positive fix, and NOT really be self honest with what I want, which is to live in this world, and create myself in his world as a man who doesn't take anything less than what is best for everyone., because it also includes myself, in which looking at what I am existing as, I am not doing myself any good by holding on to bullshit ideas that I believe are serving me and the people I only could wish I had some real fucking consideration for
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept that it's going to be very difficult, especially at first, but that I know damn fucking well, that if I simply allow myself to trust myself, that I can get through however long it may take to become consistent and effective, and create results that will support me, and that I know I will be way more fucking thankful for, than living like a peice of shit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider this world, and that there are people that suffer way worse, and also, that there are going to be people that will be in my similar shoes, who will miss their chance at living their best life, if I don't step the fuck up and take the up most responsibility for myself, because I know that I would be in a way worse scenario, if it weren't for those who unconditionally supported me, and to this day still do, and who I know won't quit, and for me to just sit here and disregard them for everything they have done for me, and not apply what they have given to me, is really fucking shitty.
When and as I see myself becoming very eager to quit, simply because I am experiencing resistance, pain, and challenge, I stop, I breath, I slow the fuck down, stop what I'm doing if I have to, and reassess what I really want for myself, and for this world that I know I would want for others, because I know I would want it for myself.
I commit myself to this one commitment, if it has to be a commitment, that I will not allow the suffering, and fucked up shitty existence that I haveaccepted and allowed up to this point, and that no matter how tough shit gets, that I know I have support, and that I know I have self trust, and breath to validate that there is no excuse to not move forward at all times until it is done. I have a head, I have hands, I have a full functioning, currently a little bit weak, but healthy functioning body, and that there is no fucking excuse to say that a fucking experience is the reason why I can't change.
