It started when I went to go pick up Adrian Blackburn (fellow destonian) from the airport in Fort Worth Texas. On the way I was very excited, on a happy trip, and was still on my medications seroquel. I was in a state in my life where I had fallen so much into psychiatry, and was absolutely miserable in having to take the meds and feel so dumbed down and sedated.
So I got to the airport, and picked up Adrian. He welcomed me with a huge embracing hug, in which I was too much in my mind to take in the moment for what it really was, and happened to state "wow that was a big bear hug", as if I was surprised to receive such a welcoming hug. We got in the truck, and decided to head towards Austin Texas already. So not shortly after we made the decision, I was still on a very high in my mind, very much into the whole law of attraction, and wanting to be a super pop star famous musician, Ii mean just all of the positivity in the world right. Well, shortly after, I commented on the GPS voice, and I said "bitch shut up". Well then, Adrian happened to reply "wow there was allot of charge in that word". After this, everything came to life - my mind, all of the secrete pent up anger, desires, just everything. I started having a breakdown, and just was freaking out within myself. Now taking into the fact I was still coming off the meds, this was probably a big factor to what I was experiencing, but of course I was seeing the reality of the mind once again. So I started being unable to function with riving, becaue I was just having so much anxiety that I couldn't even move at some points, and was just absolutely scared of everything around me. So Adrian decided to drive, but then I was to nervous to let him drive, and so I decided to drive to the nearest hotel, no matter how expensive it was. I just had to get into a "safe place" and lay down and breath.
It was very supportive having Adrian there with me, because he explained to me that it was just all in my head, and to just breath. At this point, I just started voicing all of my points out to Adrian, in which he was very easily able to identify what I was going through, and my whole situation in why I experienced so much fear. The conclusion came down to the fact that Ii just simply didn't have enough self trust, and that I depended so much on the mind, on possessions, and psychiatry, as if there was always this feeling that something was wrong with me.
So long story short, this hole trip was eye opening. We went to Austin the next day, and each day felt more calming, relaxing, and I felt more self confident than ever before, as Adrian supported me so much with the best advice I've ever received for my specific situation, that it all made sense. So many realizations came up for both of us, and I saw the world for what it really was in the most practical sense I've ever seen this world. It was clearly fucked up, and I had to remain in self trust, I had to gift myself self love, and to not trust anybody but myself, because after all, I was the only one who had the authority of who I would define myself, and create myself to be.
Now there has been problems still ever since I got back home in Midland, but It's all being taking care of, and I get back up from my falls, and have been applying myself more effectively, within the whole sensation within myself that I am me, I am here, and no one can fuck with that, and I can always trust myself, regardless of what I experience, regardless of where I am. Also, to help that more, is to stay of cigarettes, booz, weed, porn, and allowing any participation in the mind.
I've learned to truly love myself allot more fully, even though there's still missing links, there is still that self awareness of who I really am, within the fact that Ii know I'm not some inferior person to anyone else, or superior, in that I can therefor embrace everything in this life as for what it is, and to recreate this world in a place that is best for all.
Thank you Adrian, you truly are a friend who cares so much, and it was the absolute changing point for my life all together. My life has changed because of your support and the trip we had, and I know I will be successful as a person in this life because of it.
