Day 45 - being impatient when practicing guitar.

So I notice that I have a tendency to pick up my instrument, and when I practice or study the craft, I have little patients for developing my skill. I'll read alittle, play alittle, and put it down. So I see that just simply not putting in consistent work ethic, is a problem from getting better and moving forward quickly towards my career in music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put in the effort that I expect to manifest results equal to that effort, and being disappointed when I don't see the results.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that with time and patients, reaps great rewards, as I already have results for the limited styles that I play which I do nearly at a proficient level due to the amount of hours and work I've put into those styles I'm really good add, specifically finger style percussive.

When and as I see myself getting impatient, I stop, I breath, and I simply find a way to enjoy the process of learning, knowing that I'm supporting myself as a musician.

I commit myself to practice for 25 minutes at a time, and to schedule my practice times, as well as getting in the most comfortable setting I can to effectively practice and improve as a musician.

Day 44 - believing that I am not a good enough player at guitar

so today I went to the music store, and started playing on the guitars and the amps that I wanted. I was playing some intervals and rifts that I've been learning, and started being excited about how well I was playing compared to how I've recently been playing before. So it was a fun experience, but then I started saying to myself "I'm still not good enough". So it's like, even though I'm playing music, I'm not being HERE with what I'm playing, and actually enjoying it, yet telling myself "still not 'as good'".

Now there's nothing wrong with knowing I could be better, but I need to understand that It's the journey as a musician/artist that counts, and not expecting anything more than what I'm playing in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not a good enough guitar player when I play, out of the judgement that others are better, and therefor that somehow doesn't make me a worthy Enough musician/artist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being a great musician, as something aligned with my worthiness as a musician, rather than being grateful, and happy with how well I play now, and how fun the journey is going to be from now until I die as a musician/artist.

I see and realize that I should be easy on myself, and grateful that I play what I play, and express what I express, as well as being enthused about what will come in the future, such as my potential in colleges, or bands, or meeting other musicians.

I commit myself to be here as breath with expressing music, as well as working towards small step goals that I can be grateful for as a musician/artist.

Day 43 - addiction to escapism, not dealing with my reality.

So tonight I had a setback from dealing with getting off meds. I was planning on only taking 400 milligrams, but instead near midnight took 600 just about. I did it while I was listening to the crucifixion of Jesus, and started reacting toward it, and then I realized the high from the meds was wearing off, and I wasn't hungry anymore, and so I immediately took the med, and ate allot of food.

See, drugs, whether they are illegal or not,  are there for numbi out the reHELLity that we have created within us, which I see this, yet, I decide to define it as a hell, and so its entertained as such.

So, maybe I shouldn't be hard on myself for buying into the extra 200, because tapering off actually is suggested to do it for weeks at a time. Never the less, I need to aim for 400 milligrams at night.

What I noticed is that my feelings of living expression are coming out, and also I'm more effective without being drugged up so much. So I enjoy it as a loving expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to drug myself up to escape my owned preprogramming, and where I want to suppress everything through drugs and food, where I can just act like it's not there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared when a specific experience comes up, like believing that I'm demon possessed, or God possessed, or where I react and fear certain information and fear something bad happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically breath, and practice breathing more, and focus on writing out my experience, and forgiving any points I use that experience to justify abusing my mind body and beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work as a group, and for real change, by being apart of the change that is best for all, and stop making excuses such as "hallucinations are too hard to deal with" or where I blame everybody and my experience of paranoia on medication.

I see and realize that I have the power to take self responsibility, but must do it and learn from mistakes, which I need to test out my medications with how I can taper off, and be more responsible and eventually totally get off of the medications.

I commit myself to not go cold turkey off meds, as well as work on breathing through mental, being, and physical experiences off the meds.

Day 42 - agitation with family

today has been alittle different than when I was taking 800 mg of seroquel. I woke up feeling agitated towards my family. It was like I was blaming them for how I felt, and so when they talked to me, I had this feeling of like "fuck just leave me alone."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel agitated towards my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath while feeling agitated, and rather than blaming them and being disrespectful towards them, I could've slowed down and been more nice, and receptive to what they were telling me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush when being around my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to just blow them off, without slowing down, and listening to what they have to say.

When and as I see myself feeling agitated due to coming off the meds, I stop I breath, and I pay attention to my breath, and reference back to what's supportive/fun, and I commit myself to always relate support, as fun.

Day 41 - conflicting thoughts, part 2 - seeing my symptoms

So I noticed last night, that I was showing some symptoms of schizophrenia when working.

My body was manifesting it and I would have these automatic impulses towards others. Not like in a dangerous way, but just reactive movements.

I see that this can be prevented however through breathing, and not thinking so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through conflicting thoughts towards my coworkers, rather than being here as breath, and seeing opportunities, and the potential harmony I could have with them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only think of myself in the situation of the work routine, and not see the potential of how we could work as a better team, with considering my coworkers on a positive and friendly way, along with the customers.

I commit myself to breath while at work, and look in a positive perspective with my coworkers and customers. I commit myself within this to study up on your wish is your command.

Day 40 - thinking conflicting thoughts about my co workers and costumers part 1

I don't know if you e ever applied for a job that was dealing with customer service, or where you had to move quickly with customers and co workers, where at first you just have automatic negative reactions. Well, I had allot of negative, and very overwhelming reactions at my job starting off.

I would constantly have this sour feel to my face, and aggression within my tone and body language. Luckily I was taken back to the Taco Bell line, that allowed a good break for the rest of the shift from customers face to face.

So what is it that causes me to have these reactions? Is it because I'm scared of taking things personally, and others seeing that I'm sensitive, and therefor I have this apprehensive reaction towards everybody as if they're out to hurt me, or look at me in this form of separation.

That's a good point. What keeps this separated perspective, where we feel like we aren't together as one in this world, when it's clear as day with night goggles on, that we all are one, and require supporting each other, have fun, and live together in harmony. I would say that If we all accepted this very real concept as a species, there would be Much less experiences of separation, or where the environments we end up in most of the time that cause that separated experience, wouldn't exist anymore.

Self forgiveness will be in part 2

Day 39 - expecting different results from old thought/behavioral patterns

I forgive myself (while loving self) that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into old obsessions through thought and behavior, when reacting to certain comments on Facebook, where I want to go into conflict with the opposer that I've created in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open to critical comments, and instead of defending myself, rather expand on the information from the person who is giving critique towards what I've put out there n my fb page.

When and as I see myself reacting to critical comments towards what I put out, I stop, breath, let go, and take a break for a moment, and then focus on something else, or come back to the comment and breath, whilst using processing the information in a principle of equality.

I commit myself to this corrective statement.

Thank you.

Day 38 - a new start on life.

in the past 2 months, I've been though a few versions of hell and back. First and most importantly, was when I ended up in jail for 2 days due to being lost in a delusion. I personally don't want to explain the facts, but let's just say jail is the definition of abuse in this world. I felt like I had no purpose, that I was a nobody who society hates.

Before then I was in the hospital, getting treatment for being diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now regardless if I have a mental illness, or whether there isn't such thing, and it's simply all a consequence of fucking up our minds, I will say that I need to stay on my medications prescribed.

I learned allot about myself and this world, and people, and with being in a hospital surrounded by patients, and jail surrounded by general population, I had certainly broken the introverted Nick, and scared of people nick, scared to express myself Nick to a good degree.

From this point forward and already having made good improvement, I'm going to look in front of me and not in the rear view mirror, unless I need to write sf on points.

I am stable on my medications now, and have a real positive practical mind set about my life, and what I will accept and what I will not accept through principles from desteni, and other sources.

I have goals to achieve, and changes to make, and ultimately to influence at greater positions to change this world into a place that is best for all.

Im taking things slow and steady, yet progressive.

Thank you desteni :).