Day 37 - fearing ng my demon/demons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my demon/demons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the woman, because I know what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear kids. Because I know what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love the demon, instead of releasing the demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain, but know, that I have the ability to endure pain, and not be afraid of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the woman, because I know that I have created a demon that wants to harm women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be unchanged moor table, not seeing that I welcome it, bbecause I know that I have so much potential, not to harm, fuck that, I am here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark, not seeing that I come from darkness, fuck off demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncomfortablility, because of the fear of hurting someone, women. - emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a bully, fuck that, no more comfort ability for this fucking bully.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not practically be here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work for my family, not fuck around with demon shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically take self responsibility in every moment of breath, and not t allow energy to take over and possess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the medication, and not practically take self responsibility for what is here.

I commit myself to go get a job at 7-11 today.

Day 36 - masturbation

When we masturbate, we connect with the universe.

When we masturbate, we cleanse our bodies through piss, shit, sweat, and coughing, and other forms of clearing waiste.

When we have sex, we support each other through cleansing our bodies, and enjoying the experience of physical activities, just like exercising.

Day 35 - I wait for me, under an influence. Part 2

Ive come to understand one thing, that has been the base line out of why I fear change. 

So I'll explain what has been occurring in my mind experience, and life experience at the moment which lead up to this point, which, I won't cover it up as if this is the breakthrough point of empowering myself, but, it very well is something I must write out, because this has been the absolute biggest point that has influenced all of my inability to REALLY do process.

So in these past 2 weeks, I have been in the pickle of seeing my own self destruction. I have seen primarily, how through participating in sex/porn, that this is the main key to destroying your life lmao. So, I have been seeing all around me, people point out all of my shit. I ask desteni "why is this happening, why is everything interconnected with my self destruction, where all of reality is throwing it right in my face?" Well, this is probably something I'm actually grateful for now, within this realization I will explain.

I have taken this pain that I experience with having to change, this ENORMOUS pain, where it's like, I can't face that pain, it's just absolutely too much, and no matter what I would do, I would absolutely be obliterated by what comes my way. So because of this, I might as well hide in my bedroom, in my moms house, and just wait for something to happen, and enjoy these last moments of my life before hell breaks lose, and I'm totally already fallen and deluded where I won't know what to do when it comes.

Now, in this time in hiding, I have been literally focusing 98% of my attention on desteni material. So, I know that I can't lie to myself knowing that I know I have to change, and I know deep inside me wants to change, otherwise I wouldn't be investing this much time in the material. In this time, I have learned about way more information. Such as the history of the universe, and mankind. I have gained allot of information from sunnett, Bernard, and destonians. Lol, and also have gotten some exposer for my bullshit, yet thankfully support afterwards. Now, it's only been about 3 weeks at most that I have masturbated to porn, and because of this, the temptation has been creeping up, especially once I stopped trying to move forward and face the hard shit. Yet, I'm grateful for this point.

I was just recently laying down, and I was scrolling through the news feed on fb, and saw this woman who was posed in a video with most of her ass showing, and in this perceived sexual position, which she ended up dancing, but clearly that much exposer was intended to attract males to start rubbing themselves off, or at least view and like the video. Anyways, I immediately had the sexual system energy flowing through. I was like "pornhub pornhub pornhub pornhub!!!" In my mind. Now, I started breathing immediately, because I knew that I really didn't want to further the shit I'm in already, even though that energy in itself is going to create consequence. Now I decided to go to YouTube and look at more desteni videos, but still, that absolute need to rub one off was there, but I just breathed through it. While I was looking for desteni videos, I came across an anti hate video from one of the destonians. I noticed that I usually would hide myself from the haters comments, but this time I decided to look anyways. Such things like "wtf is this satanist cult" " this is wierd fuck this cult". Then I decided to go to fb and deliberately look for that video with the woman's ass. Then at this point, I totally stopped. Got out of bed, and walked outside. I had this very pissed off sickening feeling, and at the moment I'm having allot of conflict with myself, my family. 

Then it clicked. I realized, that I have been allowing people all in my life, the system, people who are absolutely full of shit and abusive intent, who only cared to have manipulated me for their intent of gaining power, to have total power over me.. Whenever I have tried to break free, I was destroyed. Whenever I have tried to tell people what I was seeing and genuinely feeling, they would use that against me and tell me it was my fault. All of this has correlated throughout my life, as it has through many others, who have wanted to break out of this system, and people, and the system itself just beats a club over your head saying "listen to me, I am your authority, I know what's best". It's so easy to blame those who have created this, and yet I have accepted and allowed it, but at the same time, I know that I have totally been manipulated and decided by the system. However, I still accept and allow manipulation within my own participation in the same system.

So, what I know, is that I can't depend on anyone to coddle me in helping me figure out this life, and what's best for me. Therefor, there's no reason to fear the system in its entirety, because that isn't who I am, and I know that my fears have only been created through manipulation and deception, and therefor, I'm only fearing losing myself within the point of know I have lost myself most of my life.

So, this isn't some point to say I'm totally committed to process, because honestly, I can't step out of my house without becoming shit scared of everything around me. But I do know, that I have been fucked with into this state, and therefor have fucked myself into this state, because of the simple fact that I have feared losing myself, and resented those who have contributed to that fear.

The journey starts when I am ready, I know, and It happens in a single breath, I know. There's no excuses to be made, and I will only prove it to myself once each action is accumulated in consistency., and knowing that there isn't some magical person who will do it for me.

I want a life that is dignified, and I know I have the potential. No beautiful self motivation, but the simple self realization of who I really can become.

Like Bernard said in a video interview, something along the lines of "when I fall, I immediately respond. It's my fucking life. You don't fuck around with that shit."

I either am empowered by who I know I am in this moment, or I allow my fears that were the origin of abusers and decievers to control me...

More blogs will be here to come.

Day 34 - I wait for time, while my life isn't infinite....

I have made it clear to myself, the currently aware consequences of what will happen if I do not move myself in each moment of breath here, to make sure I am not intensifying whatever cycle I've been in for these last some odd years of this "process", and before I discovered desteni.

I wait for time to do the work for me, because I have depended my self worth, experience, and what I identify with on my mind.

I woke up this morning, just absolutely siked out in my mind. My thoughts gave my this experience of how fucking evil I am. I disregarded everything, even in that moment, and went back to sleep. I then had a dream where I was talking to this cashier, and I said some statement, and she said "ummm.. Ok?", and then I woke up, and had this thought that was super magnified, where I thought to myself "fat people are fat because they want to start a revolution". Then I proceeded for one second to actually believe that thought to be valid, in where I would go out and tell that to everybody. I felt very fucking dumb, and also realized, that I am allowing my life to be controlled by the parasitic  fucking nature of my mind.

When I was in Oklahoma City, Where I was living there was these 2 dogs I had to take care of. They seemed fine on the surface, but then once I looked at their bodies after about a week, I noticed there were these white bumps on them. It looked disgusting. So I called my birth mom who I was staying with, and sent her a picture. Well come to find out they were ticks, blood suckers. One of the dogs that lived with her ended up dieing because the of these blood suckers. So these dogs were being eaten away by parasites, which I come to understand now that parasites like ticks are the manifestation of the human mind.

So, I am being controlled by a tick inside my head, who is sucking the life out of me, and I can slowly but surely get rid of this ticks, yet I am just laying in a huge field of ticks, and allowing my body to rot, literally. The one visual evidence is my teeth. I barely noticed 2 days ago that I have tooth decay, and last night more of it showed up, and so I figured out that I have a cavity that has this red center spot, digging into my enamel. Also, with having lacked myself to get ahold of a dentist, I have a speeding ticket that I have to pay off in 14 days, and I don't even have a job. So here I am, laying in my bed, just wanting my mind to be reprogrammed in an instant, and fearing the pain I'm going to have to endure to actually fight off this huge tick, and while I'm waiting for time to cure me, my life is slowly but surely rotting away.

There was a point where I was at least doing some sort of movement forward just a few days ago, and I really fucking realized, "wow, this fucking sucks shit" because the harsh truth that I have to face, and the real change I have to be consistent with to eradicate all of the fucked up shit in this life. Shortly I ended up giving into the resistance, which I didn't really look at it this way, more like "the world is too hard, I'm just going to hide from it", when I in fact created it. However, even though the extensive pain that comes with process, it is nothing compared to the real pain that I am allowing to manifest by not doing anything. If I allowed myself to lay here and hope for time to cure me and this world any further, I will encounter some very, very real pain, and maybe even death. Who knows, I could lay here for another week, and I get a deep infection in my mouth, and then because I don't want to face my reality, just let it be, and then I have a warrant for my arrest because I didn't show up to curt, and then go to jail, and have to face that environment, and then the infection gets worse, and Im REALLY facing myself in jail, because that's just simply looking a good extent of the abuse in this world right in the face. Then I end up getting sick because the infection, and I don't get treated, and I end up dieing... It seems a bit over exaggerated from how quickly I'd die, but the point is, Is that I have accepted this of myself. I have accepted the idea, that I don't deserve to live a cool life, or at least the coolest I can possibly have it be considering consequences I'm really facing. I have told myself "Nick, you're a piece of shit human, everybody knows it, and because of that, you deserve nothing, and you need to just sit back, and know that that is all you will ever be. Just fucking lay in bed, and let your life go to shit and waiste. Don't fight the good fight and stand for yourself, because everybody deserves it but you."


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for my life, in the actual real time movement, to support myself, and truly live in each moment, push through resistance, challenges, because I fear the pain that I know comes with change, and believe that pain to be a reason why I shouldn't go through with changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a life of unnecessary suffering, restriction, and limitation, because I have existed as this character that I have hidin behind, to validate the fucked up shit I am not willing to take responsibility for, because I separate myself from everybody else, and separate me from me, and don't want to admit that I am creating massive amounts of suffering, FOR MYSELF AS WELL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that allowing this energetic attachment to what I've used to make me feel good, is actually sickening, fucked up, and the reason why the consequences I'm facing exist, because I have allowed people to suffer in my name, along with killing myself for the sake of a fucking illusion.

I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base what I do, on how I feel, instead of who I am, because I know, that who I am REALLY, was always meant to be life, and that a glimps of my is still there, and that I see what I am doing to myself, and the life that I know I can really bring out and live, and not destroy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify feeling and experience, over the real issue and real pain that exists. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want my positive fix, and NOT really be self honest with what I want, which is to live in this world, and create myself in his world as a man who doesn't take anything less than what is best for everyone., because it also includes myself, in which looking at what I am existing as, I am not doing myself any good by holding on to bullshit ideas that I believe are serving me and the people I only could wish I had some real fucking consideration for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept that it's going to be very difficult, especially at first, but that I know damn fucking well, that if I simply allow myself to trust myself, that I can get through however long it may take to become consistent and effective, and create results that will support me, and that I know I will be way more fucking thankful for, than living like a peice of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider this world, and that there are people that suffer way worse, and also, that there are going to be people that will be in my similar shoes, who will miss their chance at living their best life, if I don't step the fuck up and take the up most responsibility for myself, because I know that I would be in a way worse scenario, if it weren't for those who unconditionally supported me, and to this day still do, and who I know won't quit, and for me to just sit here and disregard them for everything they have done for me,  and not apply what they have given to me, is really fucking shitty.

When and as I see myself becoming very eager to quit, simply because I am experiencing resistance, pain, and challenge, I stop, I breath, I slow the fuck down, stop what I'm doing if I have to, and reassess what I really want for myself, and for this world that I know I would want for others, because I know I would want it for myself.

I commit myself to this one commitment, if it has to be a commitment, that I will not allow the suffering, and fucked up shitty existence that I haveaccepted and allowed up to this point, and that no matter how tough shit gets, that I know I have support, and that I know I have self trust, and breath to validate that there is no excuse to not move forward at all times until it is done. I have a head, I have hands, I have a full functioning, currently a little bit weak, but healthy functioning body, and that there is no fucking excuse to say that a fucking experience is the reason why I can't change.

Day 33 - Accepting less than what I'm truly capable of

         




          There's a point that I've recognized, which is that I allow less than what I'm truly capable of. I've accepted the habits and efforts of somebody who is weak minded.


       
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept less effort, and less forms of habits, than what I'm truly capable of putting forth.


        
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect results to come my way , when not seeing and understanding, that I must put in the most amount of effort possible to succeed.


        
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define happiness as this immediate energetic emotional feeling that "must exist", when not seeing and realizing. that physical effort, yet with conviction and building belief, is the only way to truly be happy.


         
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to not truly act with my most effort, because I allow the fear of exposing myself to high uncomfortability, and pain take over instead of looking at what's absolutely best for myself and the mark that I'm perfectly capable of making in this world.


        
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect the world to owe me, when not seeing and understanding, that I am no better or more worth anyone else, and must take strong action to give to this world, and not just simply take for my personal self interests.


       
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up temporary pleasures, and comfort for intense uncomfortability, and growth. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not sacrifice and dedicate my life to what's best for myself, and this world.


        
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully stick with the commitment of hard work, regardless of how difficult and tough things tend to get.


        


           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect luxury and great things, simply by wishing it, instead of actually putting in the intense amount of work that is required to get to the point I need to be at.


       
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play scenarios in my head of how hard I'm working, instead of being present and actually doing the hard amount of work that I require to do, to get to a greater version of myself.


   
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think these scenarios, because I would rather have attention for my personal interests, than the actual results that contribute to society, people I care about, myself, and my character.


 
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not place full focus on what it is that builds me, and allows that, than what destroys and limits me and that which is best for this world.


 
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and understand, that what's best for this world is a place that supports all life equally, and to give my full contribution and expression that's most genuine and best for this world, starting from people like family, to the masses.



           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame other people, and separate myself from them, as if they are the cause of my lack of fulfillment and happiness.


   
           I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and understand, that true happiness comes from taking full self responsibility, and giving as much as I can to others and this world.


 
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other people on how they are, because I'm insecure with the fact that I'm not fully expressing my effort and responsibility in this world. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not want to do something, and allow that to control me, instead of to committing to the principle of doing everything I must do to be the best version of myself, and to equally give my all in empathy and consideration to other people/humans, and all life on earth.


   
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider all life on earth, because I have only considered my own "happiness" in the delusions I use to make myself feel better than others as more successful, or more attractive, and generally dominant.


   
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be dominant, because I know that I'm insecure about my competence in this world, and therefor crave attention for what I'm really not.



          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wish for the attention of what I do, because I hold value towards what other people think, due to the lack of security within myself as to who I am. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to link euphoria to this idea of attention that people giving or might/will give to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not value the reality of what I am as physical expression, and what I can work very hard for, to get to the goal of contributing to other people, and the world.



          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to value comfort over the value of change and growth, for the betterment of myself and this world, because of the conditioning of false pleasures that only benefit quick fixes and highs that only serve my personal self interest.


 
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow feeling and mere automatic relationships, instead of causing friction and changing myself in every aspect of who I am, regardless of how difficult it is.


  
         When and as I see myself not putting in the full amount of effort that I'm capable of putting in, I stop, and breath, and I look at what I can do better than what I'm putting forth. Then immediately take massive action without hesitation at all!!


  
         When and as I see myself becoming entitled to have greatness, I stop, and breath, and I immediately take action into the intent of giving to myself the ability to work my fucking ass off, on the real value of expressing my full potential, and contributing that needed responsibility to the world.


   
        When and as I see myself going into energetic states of what happiness "should be", with wishful thinking that gives me the feeling that I'll receive attention for the idea of myself, I stop, and breath, and I immediately take action with the most intense effort possible without any excuses to what some bullshit delusional mind energy will give me.


    
        When and as I see, myself only considering myself in this world, and in each situation that I'm in, I stop, and breath, and realize that my comfortability, isn't nearly as important as the betterment of this world, and my ability to fully express my total potential.


  
        When and as I see myself wanting to settle for comfortable situations, instead of pushing myself, and totally acting on the commitment to bettering myself at the best effort each and every day, I stop, and breath, and I understand that whatever I'm painfully experiencing, is always something to be grateful for, and looked at as a blessing, to drive myself to expose myself to more of it, in order for strength, and growth.


    
        When and as I see myself in an extremely tough place, and I want to just give up, I stop, and breath, and I remember that giving my all, and slamming the pedal through those tough times, is the best way to learn, strengthen, and grow into a man that I absolutely need to be, and can perfectly acquire.


 
        When and as I see myself going into a wishful state of thinking, simply out of expecting luxury, I stop, and breath, and I go back into reality, which is who I am in this moment, being grateful for what's in my life, and then moving forward with intense effort, and no excuse but to work my ass off with conviction and a burning drive that I will become the best version of myself, and create the best results for this world.


 
        When and as I see myself creating the idea that I'm working hard, instead of actually in physical time (with no thought), putting in the hardest work that I can possibly put in.


 
        When and as I see myself day dreaming of having attention, for being this "great person", I stop, and breath, and I self honestly look at what I'm lacking in true character, and I improve that point of what I'm lacking in, but without expecting other people to see me do it, but for what's truly valuable - life, expression, the well being of humans, plants, and animals, and true fulfillments and enjoyment.


  
       When and as I see myself losing focus on what's most effective, and best for myself, and the betterment of this world, out of wanting to stick to comfortability, and temporary/false pleasure, I stop, and breath, and I immediately move myself into a state of the most focus I can possibly give, with the tools I have, and with physically acting at full physical effort.


  
       When and as I see myself falling into the mind, of self interest, and comfortability, I stop, and breath, and I walk into self forgiveness statements, that open up the understanding, that I must live my purpose as life here on earth, to contribute to what is absolutely best for all life, and not just my personal satisfaction/delusion.


  
       When and as I see myself going into blaming other people for my failures, my shortcomings, my experiences, my feeling, and my circumstances, I stop, and breath, and I immediately write down 5 things that I'm lacking in, and then next to it, put - why the fuck haven't I done anything about this, and then do something about it, with completely letting go of the separation between myself, and anyone, no matter who it is.
   
       I see and realize, that taking 100% full self responsibility - giving to others, and this world my best physical output, that this is the true source of fulfillment, happiness, and success.
   
      When and as I see myself comparing myself to others as "they are better/worse than me in this particular trait" I stop, and breath, and I practically see that I must reference back to the point of becoming the best version of myself, for the purpose, of giving to this world, and its ability to fulfill its fullest potential and purpose.
   
      I see and realize that accepting and allowing delusions and experiences to exist as valid, and then allowing them to manifest with my own personal deluded self interests, are the very essence of the problem of why I fail, why I cause abuse to others, and do not fully fulfill my purpose in giving as I would like to receive, in taking full self responsibility.
   
      When and as I see myself expecting attention, or fantasizing about the attention I would get from others for some quality I have, I stop, and breath, and I do not follow into the point of accepting or allowing myself to separate myself from others in any form as being "better than" them, and to focus on the value of giving, and contributing to this world with humbleness, and not with trying to show off.
   
      I commit myself to always value physical potential, expression, and contribution over any type of ego boost, or mental energetic experience that only separates myself from others, for my own self interest in gaining power. Within this, I see and realize that the only real value comes from what gives life its fullest expression, which means that I must gift myself my fullest expression, through hard work, and change, with intense passion, and effort.
   
      I commit myself, to growth, to ultimate change every day, and to never expect anything less, than what's best for the moment HERE, that will actually change myself for real, which initially will be very painful, but is necessary to grow into the best version of myself, so that I can give to myself, and this world the best possible outcome.
    
      I commit myself to always be in the moment, as much as I can, with hard effort, without allowing my emotional state to dictate what, or who I am, and the full effort I require to grow, and to change, for the betterment of not only myself, but this world.

Day 32 - Procrastination with the excuse that there's nothing to do

The problem I've been having, and accepting and allowing, is procrastinating with the idea that there is nothing to do, when In fact I have multiple options that would make my time productive and useful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to waiste time through procrastination and not doing anything because of the excuse that there's nothing to do, when I'm really just not wanting to put in the effort, and not wanting to experience the physical force it requires, because I've accepted and allowed myself to define working my hardest as "bad", or "boring", when I'n fact, regardless of how challenging it is, I could benifit in the long term if I would just move myself, and develop a perspective that work is something that I can enjoy, and to define what the real experience of working is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look at the micro situations, of telling myself "well this isn't working out currently", when not realizing that I have so much benifit from working my hardest, believing in myself with self confidence, and through having practical patients and faith that it will all work out, without anything being fear driven. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at the future of what I am capable of, and focusing on what It is that I am aiming for.

When and as I see myself holding back through procrastination, with making the excuse that I have nothing else to do, I stop, and breath, and I move myself to doing something that benifits my goals of what I want to be and do in the future.

I commit myself to work my hardest, yet not too hard, and to focus on the macro situatin that I am aiming for in my life with no excuses or waisting time.

Day 32 - Procrastination with the excuse that there's nothing to do

The problem I've been having, and accepting and allowing, is procrastinating with the idea that there is nothing to do, when In fact I have multiple options that would make my time productive and useful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to waiste time through procrastination and not doing anything because of the excuse that there's nothing to do, when I'm really just not wanting to put in the effort, and not wanting to experience the physical force it requires, because I've accepted and allowed myself to define working my hardest as "bad", or "boring", when I'n fact, regardless of how challenging it is, I could benifit in the long term if I would just move myself, and develop a perspective that work is something that I can enjoy, and to define what the real experience of working is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look at the micro situations, of telling myself "well this isn't working out currently", when not realizing that I have so much benifit from working my hardest, believing in myself with self confidence, and through having practical patients and faith that it will all work out, without anything being fear driven. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at the future of what I am capable of, and focusing on what It is that I am aiming for.

When and as I see myself holding back through procrastination, with making the excuse that I have nothing else to do, I stop, and breath, and I move myself to doing something that benifits my goals of what I want to be and do in the future.

I commit myself to work my hardest, yet not too hard, and to focus on the macro situatin that I am aiming for in my life with no excuses or waisting time.

Day 31 - The resistance to commiting to action

          Today I recognized a problem within myself that I have when it comes to commiting to a schedule, activity, chore, job, or just anything in general that requires my participation. What I notice is that I get stressed easily when I'm on a busy schedule, because usually I'm ao used to sitting on my ass and not doing anything but fulfill mental pleasures that I use to escape my existence/reality.


          I ended up sleeping for 3 hours when I noticed that I was getting very stressed out. I made the feeling and experience of stress into this physical tiredness. So I waisted 3 hours getting unecessary sleep, and therefor throwing off my schedule of tasks I needed to do.


          The main pattern of thoughts and experiences that came up was the definition of - this is too much, because I'm so used to not doing anything that this chore, or activity takes too much effort from me. So this pattern tended to make my movement in what I was doing more exshausting.


SELF FORGIVENESS STATEMENTS:
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have resistance to tasks, and therefor make it harder on myself to complete them, with the pattern of thoughts, and experiences of - this is too much, I'd rather lay down, or just chill.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate these thoughts and experiences from old patterns/habits of not sticking to commitments of completing a task at my best ability, and slacking off from taking self responsibility in what requires my physical participation.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the experience of physical effort as "bad" because I have built an addiction to pleasure, which I've related to not taking responsibility, and not physically moving myself and working on something physical that benifits me and others.


SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS:
          When and as I see myself experiencing resistance to tasks when telling myself "this is too much, I stop, breath, and I take a 2 minute break, and focus on the vision of what I want, and what I know is best, and then go back to the task with more clarity and confidence.


          I commit myself to develop confidence, consistency, and effectiveness in tasks, and what I participate in to achieve goals, and responsibilities.

day 30 - becoming anxious and overwehlmed when having to change.

          So I'm finally coming to a point, where I realize there's too much self induced pain occuring in my life. I have been through tramendous mental turmoil before, and it seems I haven't actually gotten to the root problem in order to actually stand up, and effectively change myself for the betterment of myself and how I would effect others.


          I've realized that I've grown an addiction to certain behavior patterns, which also being influenced by weed, alchohol, and porn. These three physical addictions have very much caused a huge emotional layer upon another, that I've defined as "terrified of changing". When I started builing real momentum to change, I was quickly getting this huge wave of anxiety, and then would want to suppress that by going to one of the 3 physical addictions. I haven't allowed myself to even slightly realize how much I've been self abusing, and in consequence I'm paying the emotional and psychological toll.


          There's only so much pain one allows themself to andure untill you MUST change to save yourself, and not only do I need to save myself at this point, but I need to make a life long commitment that I will give/gift care to myself and eventually in due time to others, no matter what happens. Time and time again, I have blamed, self sabotaged, and abused myself and others, in the name of self interest for the sake of my own comfort, to try to escape the ultimate point of facing the reality that 100% self responsibility is required to live in this world, whether the world is totally fucked up, or totally in harmony.


          I make a commitment to myself here, that I will no longer accept uneccasary suffering to continue, and to only live for what's best for myself and others. When I fall I get back up, forgive myself, correct, and not look back.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses not to change, because I don't want to experience pain in losing what's familiar to me/comfort.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing familiarity, because I understand that it would mean giving up the illusions in which I participate in, in order to prevent my full self responsibility in this world, for my life and for others.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the use of physical addictions, o suppress the pain that I've ignored, which has shown that I'm not taking self responsibility.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to develop depression, in order to self sabotog myself, and then express it to others so to prevent myself from taking self responsibility, where I then expect others to feel sorry for me.


          When and as I see myself making excuses, merely because of pain that occurs in the process of changing, I stop and breath, and focus on what to change practically in the moment that would be supportive for my life and would build a better version of myself as a living expression.


          I commit myself to walk a process of giving up my addictions mentally and physically, and focus primarily on changing without giving into addictions and old habbits, through self forgiveness, self corrective statements and self application.

Day 29 - making excuses not to move myself

So these past few weeks have been very unproductive and blowed off. I spent allot of time just blowing off time by drinking, smoking pot, sleeping allot, watching videos on YouTube. I see that nothing ever came from doing this, and now I'm having to start moving again to get myself working out n what needs to be done, like my blogging and vloging, exercise, getting a job, my music, and whatever else needs to be attended to do.

I've usually came up with excuses not to move myself - either I told myself that I didn't have the energy, or because I'm coming off my medications, or because it's simply too much work.

So today I'm starting with some actions, which blogging being the first.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to not walk my process, along with taking care of other responsibilities, as well as working on physical goals for myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that it's "too much work", or "I don't have the energy", without seeing that these are simply excuses to not work with on myself, and are procrastination mechanisms to keep myself docile, and stuck in only entertaining my mind with drugs, alcohol, sleep, watching videos.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I must take self responsibility in order to support my journey to life, and the desteni group, in bringing a world that is best for all, which doesn't come by only laying around and fucking off time.

When and as I see myself wanting to go int laziness, and blow off time, I stop, I breath, and I start moving with activities, work, and all things required to support myself, and others.

I commit myself to make a schedule around a job, and as well without a job, that moves myself into profession, and where I am consistently working on myself, and supporting what's best for all life.

Day 28 - getting overwhelmed with self judgement (not looking/doing good) part 1

So currently, I'm experiencing a point of self judgement, where I feel the need to constantly keep judging myself, to where it's a snowball of stress that is spiraling, to where I expect compinsatin through positive affirmations. I then go into more self judgement, where I see that others aren't feeling sorry for me within my personal feelings of self judgement. I then go into excuses of "I won't be able to handle work, or being active, because here I am so damn stressed".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgement, after I heard people laughing at the tennis court, when I was running, and then I heard the laughter, and related the laughter to my running, to where I went into self judgement, from the memory relationship to having been laughed at for how I was running,a nd so went into backchat and this physical restriction as if I'm weak for how I run, and therefor went into self judgement, which lead into self pity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into self pity, and want these loving/positive affirmations, because I've always resorted to wanting to be accepted by others, because it would make me feel better about myself, and then would go into the positive backchat, and feel better. Within this, I see and realize that this purely masks the point of the nagative reaction at being made fun of/looked at as a lesser/inferior expression compared to other people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this want for positive affirmations, is a point of abdicating self responsibility to taking care, and working/living physical expression, as an equal and one point, where I'm no better or worse at who aI am in each moment in breath as physical expression, yet can also reflect off of the laughter,a nd see that I'm purely trying to survive under the Patton of "who looks better than the other". Therefor, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed because I fear that my image as being "good" isn't actually supportive as who I am, and this is merely an illusion that I'm trying to survive in to feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed, because I know that what I'm physicaly expressing is this separation, and therefor the more I feel seperated, the more I go into this heightened anxiety, and continuously judge myself based on how I'm experiencing myself in relationship to my environment, and females specifically.

I forgive myself that I've accted and allowed myself to fear looking bad in front of females, and therefor experience this frustration of "she's judging me and looks to me as weak, and because of this is going to take advantage of me". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted a nd allowed myself to blame another female/other people for my personal experiences of myself, because I want to look good, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience - the fact that I "don't look good" and then go into anxiety, frustration, and anger, when I feel that I'm not looking good to other people, even if in others perception I'm not looking good, or doing good at a sport, task, or an activity.

Part two will continue on the next day.

Day 27 - not allowing myself to take self responsibility

So there's a point within myself, that I recognize all the time, where I go int energetic experiences and I "don't know how to stop them". I usually try to think my way out of it, when not seeng or realizing, that it only lingers the point, and I become more submissive to the point/points I experience. Within all of this, it's simply a lack of discipline to take self responsibility with doing my writings of self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, and changing myself within each Patton that I have to deal with now.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not focus on working with my points through practicing/writings self forgiveness and self corrective statements, because I fear being here as physical, and have developed a pattern where I make excuses to not do my writings, and therefor imply that I am unable to take self responsibility through writing self forgiveness/Self corrective statements.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created this unwillingness to be here, and taking the necessary actions to go through process, by breathing and working through emotional experiences that I've accepted and allowed myself to create due to developing bad habits.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a certain extent of writing, and within this seeng that that certain extent, means that aim accepting and allowing movement as the mind, and thus comes the unwillingness to take self responsibility for myself, and for change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experiences, when not seeing and realizing, that it's pure abdication to self responsibility, where I justify movement as the mind! and emotional attachments to self interest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to predetermine what I'm going to do that lacks my full attention to self responsibility to what's here, rather than investigating the desteni material, as well as working with full effort with writing and self application, to take the necessary responsibility to change myself in principles of what's best for all life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be defiant towards life, by not taking the full responsibility required to change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses through self judgement when aI realize that aim not taking full responsibility to change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create distractions in my environment, to abdicate self responsibility to what is here, and to not work through points of separation, that I've accepted and allowed over time. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow bad habits that excuse lack of self responsibility, within this I see and realize that I must start changing bad habits, into directive principles that impose a living example that supports all life.

When and as I see myself lacking responsibility, I stop, and breath, and then focus on work that is best for my environment, and to investigate where I lack responsibility, step by step.

I commit myself to start changing and actually walking process. Within this, I commit myself to change one bad habit this week that I've used to abdicate self responsibility - over eating and looking in the mirror.

I commit myself to stand for life, and assist and support myself with writing, reading blogs, watching blogs, and investigating desteni material.

Day 26 - my writtings

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto negative experiences, and define myself to that as valid.

I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to negative experiences, because I feel it will keep my idea of controlling other people to express themselves I a. Specific way for my liking.

Non non, I get my Ron, and play beyond. I get a point of stress with my beyond fond of the music that cries from the pond.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm controlling others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to believing that aI have to control others.

I forgive myself hat I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for every experience n lyrical sense.


The rest is hard to read, I'll make sure to write more clearly next time.

Day 25 - I don't know what I don't know

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know everything.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling positive instead of physically aware and confident is the key to success, or is a way of making everything happening for me, instead of for everyone. Within this I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to not consider everyone in the picture of what's best for what is here within the context of every moment of breath that I'm here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take 100% self responsibility for what's here, and face myself through getting a job and understanding what points still exist within myself, while providing financial support for the person I'm living with.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to my experiences, instead of working on what I want to create in my life, and taking action.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear taking action, because I fear that something had is going to happen.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling fear of a situation and my circumstances. Within this I see and realize that I'm the one creating my circumstances and feelings.

When and as I see myself believing that I know everything, I stop, and breath, and I walk here as directive principle by remaining stable in breath and activity, as well as in my actions for what is best for what is here/for everyone.

I commit myself to start working on the directive principles for what's here, by taking, and giving as well, the act of getting a job, and not just meditating in bullshit with myself.

I commit myself to get a part time job, and build up from there for making money, and learning how to communicate with others, without punishing myself in the process of what I'm figuring out as to what's best in directive principle.

I commit myself to brea through my experiences, and work on feeling aware and happy for myself that I'm taking the initiative for taking 100% self responsibility.

I see and realize that believing that something had is going to happen, is purely based off of not being willing to give up my behaviors and experiences that aren't best for myself, and therefor not best for others as well.

I commit myself to do what I know I must do, to change this world into a place that's best for all, by focus on what's best.

Day 24 - judging myself and trying to hold back my behaviors/expressions

So here's this tendency I have where I will try to suppress my expressions in fear of other people seeing them. I have this automatic fear of something had happening to me, and therefor express myself in this limited state.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my expressions and behaviors, because I fear something had happening to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold back from expressing myself to other people, and within this separating myself from people, out of this fear, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in my expressions, to face myself around others, yet not be all spontaneous and go on overdrive with my expressions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to therefor fear others expressing themselves, because I want o control others to express themselves to my level, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge others expressions, and then react to others expressions, and then either isolate myself, or give others a hard time about their expressions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself myself to limit myself in expression, because I fear what others will think of me, as crazy, or fear them seeing my points.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expressions with self medicating, and therefor, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with medications, and therefor create a limited expression around others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for myself, and therefor see and realize that I've depended on medications to suppress my reality.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts, and behaviors, and therefor fear being expressive with myself.

When and as I see myself holding back my expressions, I stop, and breath, and track back to what I'm focused on in responsibilities, and then to as well talk to people, and those around me, to expose myself, and take practical responsibility with forgiving myself on these points.

I commit myself to study desteni material, n line with what I have to face.

Day 23 - just get it over with

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have this "just get it over with" attitude about something I want to do and get done. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not practically enjoy what I do, such as self forgiveness. Within this, I forge myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define "enjoy", as a good feeling.

I commit myself to redefine enjoy, and to work through any reactions I have to the word "boring", and therefor work up the word enjoy, and redefine it as something else.

Enjoy is the Floyd.

Enjoy is the fun.

Enjoy is the boy who had one/won.

So why do I enjoy only when I've won.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define "enjoy", as having to win something sometime in the fire for what I enjoy, instead of practically being physically expressive here in the moment, enjoying things I'm working on, or theme together with other people, or playing an instrument or game.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not work n things that require physical effort, because I've defined myself and other things as boring/bad, instead of something I can dig into a bit more and actually enjoy.

So what does it mean to enjoy with digging in with physical effort - why do I lack the will power?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not work through resistance, toactually benefit   what's best for others, and therefor myself included when working on something, or playing, or hanging out with other people. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define work as a burden, instead of an expression of myself in the here moment of work, along with playing, and hanging out with other people.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as to doing something, as "unable to", and therefor already predetermine what m doing as something I "just want to get it over with".

Get over with is the sith of the mind, lol the positivity is still blind, why not just express and accept what is here, yet changing myself for the year, and the next to come for everyone equal.

 I commit myself to practice breathing, and looking at doing something that initially I'm uncomfortable with, and just take that one step of going at it with confidence and true fulfillment n the moment of doing something -working, playing, or leisure time, or hanging out with other people.

Here I am, as breath - b - r - earth. Here I am as physical expression as breath. Make music and dance to the breath, to the sounds of birds, and to the innocence of a child.

Thank you :)

Day 22 - fear asking others for something

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for something.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for something because I fear having reactions, or appearing intimidating to others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be self absorbed in my expressions, because I fear that others are going to react to me badly in my perception of what's 'bad'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to intimidate others with my expression, because I want something then and there, and fear being told no.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being told no, because I fear experiencing negativity when I hear the word 'no'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become upset and angry when others express themselves, and so I observe my expression to prevent there expression, and therefor create this idea that everyone has to have a specific expression that pleases my mind, my ego as everyone expressing themselves in this particular way the compromises with my limited expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect others to treat me a certain way, because I want others to have a limited expression, to match with my limited expression. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to limit my expression, and therefor expect others expressions to be limited out of pleasing my idea of myself.

When and as I see myself expecting others expressions to be limited to mine, I stop, and breath, and continue paying attention solely on the topic, or what The question is, and work with others expressions as a practical point of support to see what my natural expression is.

Day 21 - I am here

I am here as life.

I am here as breath. I am here equal to others.

I am here as one and the other brother.

I am always here as breath.

The ego is what creates unnecessary death.

My false beliefs creates death.

My second sense is the sense of breath, and not as the mind.

I want to rewind time because it unfolds the mind as the lime abeam through time in automatic crimes.

I am here as one with response that my ability is to create a fondle of my breath.

I require the responsibility needed to be fully here as breath, and not of necessary death.

I forgive myself that I've allowed death, with unnecessary mess.

Please load here as breath, to assist and support each step.

My breath nt with the system, but with life as all.

My life isn't the end, and neither is resperdol . (Trying to learn Spanish)

My time here isn't of the fucked up lime beer that simmers and sheers my teeth away n the years as unnecessary thought.

I am here as breath and not as a thot.

Fuck my mind and fuck the mess.

I am here as necessary breath.

Fuck yes to the step of each breath and what I express.

The time to take is here to follow my breath as each point and each step that is educated guess.

Hypothesis is bullshit to breath.

I'm a male and not an insect.

I am here as support and not as fuvked up step. (Didn't mean to misspell, but it works.

demons - day 20

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind.

day 19 - having manipulated K

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have manipulated K.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself with having tried to manipulate K.

I commit myself to face myself here, as the point of exposing the shot that is here within myself (journal)

day 18 - expecting my body to be aesthetic (ass-the-tic)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect my body to be aesthetic (ass-the-tic).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect my body to be aesthetic (ass-the-tic) because I want to appear as "sexy" to women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to appear sexy to women, because I want to control women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to control women with "being aesthetic", because I define "aesthetic" as strength, when not seeing and realizing that I am afraid to have principled strength, and there for compensate the lack of building best for all principles with building/destroying my body, to appear strong, and sexy. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not actually be willing to be principled for what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to appear sexy or physically strong, when not seeing and realizing that I am not actually strong with merely having an aesthetic body, and only intend on abusing others, by creating this model appearance, that has nothing to do with who I really am, and the actual potential that I can recreate myself with, for what is best for all life, and not what is only best for my self interest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look in the mirror to see if my body is "aesthetic".

When and as I see myself looking in the mirror to see if my body is "aesthetic", I stop, and breath, and go write doqn, or speak one principle that I'm lacking, and then to speak self forgiveness for lacking that principle.

I commit myself to then always put the tip of my thumb, on the tip of my pointer finger, and always speak that one principle I'm lacking every time I want to go look at my body in the mirror.

day 17 - laughing at my bullshit, this bullshit system

I'm at the hospital because I was afraid I was going to die, or lose my identity, myself. HAHAHAHA.

Why the duck am I so worried about the points I have to face, when it's all a load of bullshit? Why am I so wrapped up in expressing myself a specific way just to please those who are so keen on keeping others trapped in an illusion of happiness and suppression.

Why do I worry so much about points that could easily be a point of facing myself in practical living, and really just doing what's automatic and see I g where I lack the responsibility by just simply taking care of it. HAHAHA.

Why am I so afraid of being called out, when it's practically a point I need to look at as see I g where I think all the Damon time to try and figure out what the problem is, nd trying to hold onto false identities to make myself feel better for women, when it makes no sense to just be here as a point of practical living and play and fun. Why do I make process this dreadful bullshit thing that I'm afraid of looking bad, when it's just resonant points that I'm facing, and have refused to take care of because I was simply afraid to look bad and stupid, Hashanah. Why do I care so much about what others thin km of me, when I'm simply seeing that it's merely just a point that I'm experiencing, and nothing else.

Why do I let authority figures dictate my self expression, when all of it is just points that I CAN SIMPLY TAKE CARE OF IN EACH MOMENT OF EXPRESSION.

Why do I let fear dictate my reality, when all I require doing is working and having fun without letting fear and authority figures make me this diminished person who can't face his own shot, because he allows points like humility to dictate me.

Why do I fear being looked at as stupid.

Why do I fear expressing myself practically to what is here
Why do I think that I'm this special person, and try to protect how I feel, when it has nothing to do with practically being here.

Duck this stupid bullshit system.

Duck trying to please everybody and look good or bad or the whole thing that has nothing to do with actually being here as breath and focusing on the practical point of living, and facing myself and s to piping fears.

I laugh at the system as what it is, and know that reprogramming is simply a system, and nothing else but something that is used to control and create this idea that I'm a "bad person" or "good person".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear looking bad.

I forgive myself that I've accepted an den allowed myself to fear looking bad, when I simply can just take the necessary responsibility for what is here, without judging it, and just simply changing it to what is here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear looking bad, and living with people who do nothing but create a point of seclusion. Not blaming them, but simply taking the initiative to get the duck out of these prison cells that I create for myself, and practically expressing myself as to what is here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what is here, and not practically just support myself in change by taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not practically be here as a poi t of seeing what is best for myself, and working and playing o. That point to practically be here as what it is I need to do, and stop judging myself and blaming myself because of what I've accepted and allowed to convince myself that my expression is this "bad thing"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not practically create myself as to what is best, and to focus on what it is I need and want to live a comfortable and happy life and to support others within that point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto point instead of just moving and releasing them for what I need to do to face myself as to what is here. Stop using all of these excuses to not take self responsibility and just live for what is best, and. Hanging that intent over time

day 16 - allowing energy to move me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow energy to move through me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to go into mind backchat, and following the thoughts of positivity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative experiences, and therefor allow positive energy to move through me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of systems, when not seeing and realizing that those systems aren't really who I am, but merely what I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as in this reality of physical life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, and go into fear when I see that there's still systems in me, that I know are consequential to what is here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to judge others as trying to attack me, and therefor go into points of defense, when not seeing and understanding, that those points of defense, are my own accepted and allowed mechanisms of war, and destruction.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and understand, that I require moving myself as self responsibility as much as possible, to impose a point of support for all living things, including myself, yet not lacking either or, and yet having to sacrifice some physical points for another that is the best physical action to take to support everyone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to confuse myself with what's best, when not seeing and understanding that what is best, is that which isn't moved by energy, or any form of excuse. Within this, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and understand that these points will require being utilized with time, which means that one point, and most points aren't going to be able to be taken care of in a single moment.

When and as I see myself moving energy within myself, I stop, and breath, and do not excuse any mechanism of war - positive or negative, and to make sure that I'm expressing myself in the full physical, whether it's confident or not, because real confidence is built over time, and means that I must be willing to be unconfident at times, and confident at others, until the point of physical confidence is proficient.

I commit myself to stand in every moment possible, and to be realistic with all of my points until I have them down as something consistent.

I commit myself to always use thoughts that consider everyone, until I process information at a realistic level, and so therefor moving myself according to the physical, but to use assessments, and there for self talking with myself as the thoughts, and applying the thoughts with what is here, and testing out what is best. (Not to allow thoughts, but talk to myself with physical force, along with moving myself in a way that is best for all, which therefor moving more than anything)

Day 15 - going into a rush - running away from self.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush, as a way of "running away from myself".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to go into this rush, out of trying to protect my Identity/ego.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to have gone into fear, when logging back into Facebook, because I became aware of the fact that my experience of myself on Facebook, has mostly been a point of trying to protect my identity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear the environment I'm in, because I'm aware that much has been changing, and that I have held onto so many points for so long, that I haven't been willing to take care of them, and rather hide them to not face the main point of abuse and created chaos within my world/me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for my experiences, and start projecting myself towards them, to protect my identity.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to run away from my accepted and allowed identity, because I see the extensive abuse that I've created in my world, by trying to protect my ego.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush, because of the fear that I'm going to be judged by the people in my world, and there for end up falling when someone tells me something that is a point of manipulation (which I've participated in), and blame them for my own accepted and allowed participation in the very point of manipulation that I've been willingly participating in for so long.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to believe that I need to use thoughts and experiences to be able to function.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to hold on to experiences, to justify my abusing and manipulating behaviors that I've used throughout my/this life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to become paranoid that something bad is going to happen, when not seeing and realizing, that all of it is created in my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that the resonant points I put out, are what will be created and rippled throughout this reality. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to get caught up in the awareness of resonating systems, and have tried to protect myself in it ever since I've become aware of it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear going into a rush experience, because I'm aware that I'm rushing out of fear of being exposed in my environment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not balance out being consistantly working at an effective pace, along with being aware of myself in every moment possible, to be able to impose what's best for all in each moment I'm alive.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take it easy in the current position I'm in within my circumstances, along with how I'm currently experiencing myself, yet being consistently In breath, to work on being consistently self responsible (self forgiveness, self correction, and self application)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to rush, because I expect everything to be done in one moment, in the fear of falling, and the unwillingness to fully apply myself consistently.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear having to be patient yet effective in this world, and to not go into this extreme state of emotional possession, which is a very dangerous point in instances of being around people, because of what I put out to them in such a point of anxiety and fear, to where it'll be imposed more and more, to the point where the people around me will move with my accepted and allowed state of anxiety, rush, and fear.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to focus on what's the biggest problems I have, that are limiting my self expression.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to test out commitments, to where I can experiment with what I do, as of seeing what's better as support, and what's the least effective way of support.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not be here as breath, as working, resting, and playing, which are what I currently define as self responsibility, because all of these points need to be balanced out to support consistency as a way of being self responsible.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that I need to do self forgiveness, until I'm completely clear within myself, to ensure that I've physically released the point of fear, and to then apply myself to my responsibilities, to be stable and effective with everything I physically participate in.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to focus on physical tasks, and goals to assist myself with physical things that develop principles that I can apply to my process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be self jnterested.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be self interested with my process, by only doing it to look good, and to feel a sensation of power, by using self forgiveness to portray a false point of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear what will happen if I fully apply myself to self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to protect myself from fully being exposed for the shit I have done to K,K,C,J.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness as an emotional release, to feel better about myself, to suppress the reality I've created towards K,K,C,J.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not be here, because I want to protect myself from facing the reality that I've created for K,K,C,J.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to protect the positive experiences, to prevent the full awareness, that I've created hell for K,K,C,J.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to not see and realize, that I require being as alone within my environment as I can, yet still practically communicating with the people in my environment, to ensure that I'm not allowing any loose ends that could turn into huge points of fear and resistance.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize, that I must utilize the tools I have, to work, where I make sure that I'm consistently stable, and facing myself in each moment, which is the only way I will give care to those who I've extensively abused, in the most fucked up ways that I haven't allowed myself to REALLY comprehend.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to blame others, when not seeing that I accept and allow myself to manipulate those who were totally destroyed by my unwillingness to give care and responsibility. Within This, I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see that this system isn't going to support me to be self responsible, and that I must work with great effort to make sure that I'm consistently changing to impose a better environment for others, and comfortability for those who I have destroyed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to have exploited myself towards others with SF,, to create an illusion that I'm this all mighty person, who knows how to control everything that fucking moves.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to fear facing myself, because I know that it takes allot of effort and dedication to do what's best for what's here, because I'm fucking scared of facing the reality that I've imposed to others, to a fucking extent of total cotastraphy, that I've burnt every aspect of people's lives, and have been perfectly comfortable with it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself, to define my experiences as "bad", because I have created such difficult points to transend, which means I'm facing the consequence of not having taken the best responsibility I could give, in the moments I accepted and allowed energy and fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not focus on physical needs that others require to have.

When and as I see myself wanting to buy into a mental distraction, I stop, Breath, and I cross reference my dysfunctional behavior, and catch that moment to physically work and release the problem through self forgiveness, and continue speaking it until I'm stable, and then move back to physically working.

I see and realize, that I must "take it easy" currently with where I'm at in my process, until I can become consistently stable with fast paced tasks.

I commit myself to focus on physical responsibilities, that will assist me when I get lost in my mind.

I commit myself to work on principles that create onsideration for all life, and creates a point of cross referencing with, to create a change in my environment, to support others.

I commit myself to catch myself when participating in the mind, and to work on directing myself in those moments, to get back to here, as self responsibility and consistent change.

I commit myself to focus on physically pushing myself to take responsibility, and to give up all mind entertainment that impedes the process of change, and work, which imposes what's best for all in each moment, to where those who have been destroyed, will know that I have been the devil who has fucked with its creator, and has been the handler of total deception, and fear mongering.