Day 11 - not knowing what to do - resistance

So yesterday, I faced a point, yes, just a point, but it was like I was about to deliberately place myself into a war zone, hell so to speak. I have had the tendency to prolong myself, prolong my process, by fearing facing myself, however, since this has been created, it must be recreated within different dimensions of this point, of fearing facing myself. So today I'll start on one point, which is the "not knowing what to do" personality.

When I have seen that I was having to push myself hard into doing something I really didn't want to do, or face, I allowed myself to self sabotage myself automatically within thinking that "I don't know what to do", which is really a reaction to the uncomfortable experience that I feel mentally, and physically, when stepping out of my comfort zone, and entering a state and opportunity of changing my existence as what I've accepted and allowed myself to become.

So the point that I was allowing to escalate, was the mental relationship that I had had with my partner, and what I had accepted and allowed as that entire relationship. So when I had seen there was much internal conflict within myself, I had went into this self sabotaging state of "not knowing what to do", simply because I accumulated the points within myself in relationship to her, and didn't allow myself before it got to an overwhelming state, to take a moment to look at where I was conflicted, and what I required letting go of, in order to change such relationship.

So these are points that will require being refaced, and so this will be a cool point to utilize, in order to recreate my ability in facing resistance, when it comes to certain relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage myself when facing a point, by telling myself "I don't know what to do".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this statement to myself, and exist as this statement, because I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses, that because I don't "feel" like facing myself when it is a practical moment to do so, I rather wait until this point escalates, and to where I only verify the point of "not knowing what to do" through relating that point to how I feel, perceive things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the excuse to not direct myself within points, because of how I have faced them in the past, which is with my mind, instead of letting go of the idea that I can somehow fix those patterns with my mind, and breathing through the experience, and directing it with as much focus as possible, and also slowly stepping into what I require changing, through taking breaks, or going back to what is physically here, within stepping out of that's elf sabotaging experience/state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the excuse that "I don't know hat to do", simply because of how the process of stepping into change is making me experience myself. Thus within this, when and as I see myself stepping into changing something, and start feeling this emotional experience, I stop, I breath, and I dissect the experience initially, within moving myself physically, and doing things that can walk myself out of the experience of "anxiety, irritation", and then on e stepped out of that point of conflict, reassessing what it is that I require facing, and then investigating, and recreating myself within the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think to myself "I don't know what to do" simply because I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression within facing myself, as basing my change off of "what I know" within and as how I've remained stable and confident within that knowledge pattern of who I am in relationship to myself, and therefor whatever that relates to my environment. Thus, when and as I see myself holding onto the patterns, experiences, within the knowledge point, I stop, I breath, and I slow down, and I walk through within the steps I've laid out within the previous commitment, but however understanding, that I cannot trust the previous patterns of myself, the limited knowledge, and that it must change, and I must recreate my acceptance and allowance of who I am, into something that is actually supportive, which meaning supportive for other people and myself, and not just what I THINK is supportive for me and others.

I commit myself to thus reface this point in relationship to agreements, and thus with also relationships with others who I experience conflict within myself which is really just a representation of resisting my acceptance and allowance to change, within the personality character of "I don't know what to do".

Day 10 - protecting my pride as a male, vs. women and males/my partner

So today is going to be quite an early blog, since I have had broken sleep, and decided to spend this early cold morning opening up a point that has been making itself quite known to me ever since something I experienced last night, and which lead to now.

So I was visiting with my partner, and her friend. We were having a nice time, laughs, everyone was having fun. We were waiting on my partners step brother to show up, so in the meantime we just were hangin out. So quite short and simple, my partners step brother and step father showed up. The first individual I saw was her step father, which would like to say, that it already have a "comfortable" relationship with her step father, so I said "hey what's up", and it was cool. So I was glad to see my partners step father, and step brother show up, and so I went to greet thes yep brother. It was interesting, because as soon as I had went face to face with him, it was welcoming like meeting someone should be, but then I got this change I knew manifested in my facial expression, and I knew the step brother probably caught onto it. Well, this change was due to intimidation.

So why was I intimidated, well, it's because I had judged this idea of this person within the protective point of my own pride, in relationship to being with my partner. See this is important, because I've had this pattern, when meeting family members who are males (which females too, but it has a different effect), I get intimidated, based on the age of the male, which I've seen here, that if he looks young, and in my perseption "dominate", I immediatly get this feeling and experience of fear, and intimidation, you know fear of my pride as a partner being taken away, from another male that I look to as in some form or shape dominate, whether the male has been seen as supportive, or have characteristics that I aspire to have, and thus within this, seeing that I've felt very incompetent as a person to my partner.

So continuing on, everything was fine, we talked, got to know eachother, but for the reason of feeling incompetent, I had felt very jealous of this male, and when I saw him hug and get along with my partner, lol, which I mean considering the fact that he's her fucking step brother, I was like getting this sense that "he's taking her away from me" which meaning that in my mind, he's very confident, has these characteristics, and my partner is getting along with him, which I'm comparing myself to this individual male, as him being better than me, and within this I saw that my partner could "have better" than me, a male who has more vibrant expression than myself, which yes, there's obviously allot of males who have more confidence, better vocabulary, better educated, better processed expression than myself, and so within this, I judged myself as incompetent, and within this, felt angry with myself, because my pride as "competent for my partner" was being shot down, and I had clearly seen this in the fore front of my experience towards my partner, and her step brother getting along.

So bringing is specific situation up, is not to necessarily looks to this specific situation, because this experience is much bigger and this relationship with my partner and her step brother, shows something that I've been keepi exclusively in my own mind for quite some time in relationship to women, which my partner being the focus because my partners a woman. The point is, is that I have always thought, that I have had to prove competence to women, either through attraction, intelligence, confidence, or any other form of expression, and what I've seen, is that when I learnt about what my partner had told me she was attracted to, I had immediatly felt incompetent, because lol, I have already set myself for failure by placing judgements within myself as negative, in relationship to women. I mean, my whole life I've had a struggle with communicating with women, I've had these preconceived ideas that I needed to therefor impress women.

So the vital point to expose here, is why do I feel the need to protect my partner from other males, why do I find it necessary, and accept and allow myself to become jealous of young, "attractive" males that my partner gets along with?

Before stating self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, I see that, within facing this, that this is something that I've been fearful of to discuss with my partner. So today, I'm finally going to open this point up to her, but within principles of not self sabotaging the point, which is usually why I've been afraid to open it up, and so within this commitment to talking to my partner about this point, I'm going to lay out a better understanding of how I can communicate this point with my partner, which will also be laid out in this blog.



Self forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to feel incompetent to women, and therefor try and promote my "competence" through wanting to be lovey dovey, touchy, and put on a show of "confidence" when around women, specifically my partner. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this, within the understanding that there are males who practically have different characteristics than myself, that I see as "better than me" and therefor within being "confident" around my partner, I'm actually playing confidence, in the hopes that she will accept me for who I am, and then within this, seeing that when that confidence is exposed within myself as fake, or maybe not fake, but simply when a point comes up that I feel insecure about, that influences my confidence, I immediatly go into being quiet with her, or not being as open, and also I see that I will usually resort to wanting to touch her more, like hug, hold her hand, kiss her, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus feel angry at myself, and have this anger because I feel incompetent, and I know I've accepted and allowed my self expression to be the result of the potential that I've hidden away within myself, behind this idea that I'm incompetent.within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to therefor compare myself to women, and to my partner as incompetent, to where I want to beat her within my perception of "attractiveness" "intellect", "good person". Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to have defined myself as these things, and then when faced with seeing that my partner expresses herself, or has relationships with people that I see I've mostly been afraid of having, I then get angry and have conflict towards her, due to being angry within myself, as "feeling incompetent".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to want to protect my partner, from males who I see as "better than me", because I understand within myself, that I've created this comparison point towards women, and males, to the point where I want to OWN my partner, as wanting to keep her enslaved and limited in her expression, because I have felt too incompetent with myself as a living expression. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused my partner in the past, through arguments, through manipulation, through being outrageous, because I have had this main point of feeling incompetent in relationship to my partner, and to other males that I see have more expressive characteristics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel in ompetent towards my partner, because I've always limited myself from being in this idea that I'm "worse than, better than" my partner, and women or males, that I have instead of seeing the potential I have, within seeing how cool it is that others including my partner are able to express themselves through confidence and the ability to express skills that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully express myself within and as, that I rather go into conflict, and separation, and isolation from males and women, and my partner. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an attachment to my partner, within the idea of "love", because I have related love, to wanting to depend on someone emotionally, to suppress myself from facing myself, within what I've accepted and allowed within myself, and therefor seeing that within me having done this, I have validated incompetence of being able to express myself within my own skin, without having to emotionally depend on my partner, through touch, through manipulation, and within this, I see that I have therefor abused my partner, through arguments, through manipulation, and through wanting to limit herself from expressing herself as life, as the living expression that she is capable of expressing, but something that I've wanted to keep limited, because I have accepted and allowed myself to project my emotions through her, and therefor created a false relationship within myself in relationship to my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for this, instead of working with this point as what it is, and what has already been. Within this, I see that this is a point that will take time to unfold, and recreate, and that I must embrace it, and change it, and understand that now I can discuss this with my partner, and continue investigating the point within myself, in order to stop the manipulation, to stop the set up for conflict and arguments, and to stop the accepted and allowed limitations within myself, and thus within the manifestation that is current within my relationship with my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear, and go into panic mode, when I see that this has all been a facade, that I can no longer abuse my partner in the old ways I've accepted and allowed, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to instead of giving up the ego, which in this case, my comparison of competence, I rather go into isolation, or go into the old patterns with my partner, such as touching her out of suppression, within this "your mine" intent, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the fear of protecting her from other males, or protecting my own feeling of competence, through touching her, or laying down with her, or hugging her, or talking sweet to her, or looking at her in a "help me" state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto these experiences in my mind, and hold onto my partner in my mind, to such an extent, that it's created inner turmoil within myself, because I have created this such dependent point of living myself through her, to where I have validated this feeling of incompetence, and therefor within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how abusive this is, how abusive it is to have these warm feelings of emotions towards her, because in the end, I am willing to abuse her, JUST for the sake of having this security within myself, as "competent enough".

When and as I see myself around my partner, and get these experiences of conflict, within initially feeling incompetent, and therefor comparing myself to her, and the males I see having different characteristics, expressions, physical attributes, I stop, I breath, and I understand, that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value towards my partner, as this relationship of being in comparison, and that now, I see and realize that this must change, within starting to learn how I can express myself unconditionally by myself, and when around my partner, women, and other males, and thus within this, get to learn how others are capable of expressing themselves, including my partner, and thus seeing how human expression operates, how high of a level of expression my partner, and the males and women aroun her express themselves, and instea of comparing, learning from them, and also working with them within my expression, and expanding my understanding of my shit, and the shit I've limited myself within, and to start investigating an reflecting, where I can become more capable of my self expression

I commit myself to therefor start exposing the separation I've created from my partner in detail, through self investigation, and communicating with her, about where I can change my expression, into what's best for the agreement, and to where I am no longer using manipulation, saying things to feel better about myself and to put my partner down, and to rather learn what it means to pick up from my partners expression, and see where I can apply that to myself, and also even support her in living expression.

Laying out how I will communicate this with my partner:

I commit myself to sit down with my partner, and to open this point up to her, within the starting point of learning about her, and within this learning about myself in my limitations as self expression, and to then come to a better understanding of eachother, which with open up solutions to our communication, which will open up more points to investigate within myself.

Day 9 - fearing my thoughts, and experiences part 2

So I was opening up the point of becoming very anxious, scared, within how I experience myself when smoking cigars, or around around cigar smoke, and how this has related to the mental reaction I get to the experience from the cigar smoke, and also why this occurs within myself- So there was an interesting situation that happened within myself, a sort of paranoia hallucination type feeling, after I was at a cigar bar down town. It seems that when I smoke or am around cigar smoke, it gives me this initial anxiety. Usually when it is night time, this anxiety turn into this hyper intense paranoia, so much that it's like my experience, is like this heavy negative and scary feeling on my body. Now, this heavy feeling is merely the effects of the cigar reacting physically with my brain, which if you've never had a cigar, some can be quite strong.

So where does this feeling and experience related to the heavy dizzy feeling come from? Well, it comes from my relationship with altering feelings that relate to the effect a cigar has on me, to the time when I used to smoke weed, and do psychedelics. Basically, when I smoked weed, or did psychedelics, I felt extremely paranoid, self conscious, not knowing what to feel or think, and therefor, this stuff has really altered my mental experience, and also therefor my living experience, because before all of this shit, I never had these scary feelings, or freaked out moments, and this has also contributed to my schizophrenia, and the way I experience myself in certain situations of my life.

Self forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get anxiety when I inhale cigar smoke, within when I see that I feel this altering physical change in my brain and body, I automatically relate the experiences I had with weed and psychedelics, the hallucination paranoia state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the cigar, instead of seeing how I relate to the feeling the cigar gives me, and utilizing that feeling, and walking through it within the practical understanding, that my body is simply experiencing the heavy, dizzy feeling. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breath through the anxiety, and rather walk through what fears I have in relationship to the anxiety, maybe what I was already experiencing and fearful of beforehand, and then to see how I can stop the paranoia, intense anxiety.

Within this, when and as I see myself inhaling cigar smoke, whether deliberately or whether around it, and see myself getting this heavy dizzy feeling, I stop, I breath, and I immediately start working with what's here. Focusing on the practical solutions we my environment, and understanding that it is simply a physical change within myself, and that this change is simply effecting my brain, and the chemical functioning relation of my brain, and body.

Within this, I commit myself to not fear this feeling, but rather see what experiences come up, focus on that one experience, assess it, and forgive it, or if in a busy situation, focusing on what's here, on breath, and focusing on how I can improve my self expression within the physical changes from the cigar smoke.

I commit myself to buy a cigar, slowly smoke it, and then start off in an alone enironment, listen to music, and analyze what changes are happening, see what thoughts come up, and then utilize what I assess as the main experience I have.

Then when I'm comfortable with the first step, I commit myself to go back to the cigar bar, simply be around the smoke in the air, and then utilize what I experience as how I've laid out the tools for the first step, and then when I'm ready, smoke a cigar, while around cigar smoke, and then apply these tools.

Day 8 - blaming myself for not having been HERE when talking to a poor man

So in the previous vlog, I had opened up a point on becoming frightened, or getting this sense of heavy anxiety. Well, I decided to postpone the 2nd part for tomorrow, and tonight, focus on a situation I faced with a man who I encountered at the store parking lot.

So I was getting out of my truck, and I saw a man talking to a man getting in his car. I sort of had this knowingness that the man was going to approach me. I had this point of separation from the man, where I was somewhat afraid of him coming to talk to me, because I knew he would probably ask for money, or help with something. So the man came over, and asked for help, I said "sure what do you need help with", he said he had a son with him, and he couldn't afford to pay for staying in a room for a night. I immediatly reacted into making excuses why I couldn't help him - no money, Idk if I could trust him. I naturally said, "I only have my moms credit card", but then I wondered if maybe he had a phone that I could contact him on once I would have a way of helping the man and his child, which I didn't necessarily have an idea of how this would work. So I asked him if he had a phone, and he said his minutes were ran out. At this point, I immediatly went into the conclusion that I couldn't help him, but I sort of tried to just have a conversation with him, maybe getting to know him, but he was in a hurry (within his situation of needing money) and so we said our goodbyes.

I went into the store, and I went into all though of how I could've helped him better, like maybe I. Pudge simply gave him my phone number for him to contact me, and then some way I could help him. So once I checked out, I wrote down my number, and went out, got in my truck, and drove around to find him. Well, I couldn't find him, so I headed home. Suddenly I got this feeling of guilt, and self blame, and then I felt angry at the world, and then I felt sad, looking at the potential that I could've used to help this man and his child, and I blamed myself for not having been HERE, breathing, and having been much more directive within helping this man with his child, and then within this, I almost wanted to cry. So I tried letting go of the point, but when I walked in my house, I experienced this sadness/anger within myself, and as I talked to my mom, I sort of just wanted to go to my room, and then my dog came to play with me, but then I had seen that I was irritated with the dog, and so this was where it had to stop, this self sabotage, this self blame, because what is feeling sad and angry going to do, only separate myself further from what's here, and so this was the sign to write this blog.

Things that I need to take into consideration here, is why do I feel sad and the anger at he same time, because if these emotions were really valid, when seeing that someone is living pretty much on the streets to survive, when there is abuse like this all over this world. So why have I placed so much value towards this specific man and his child, when I haven't even considered the suffering that goes on all around in this world.

So I see this situation - not having been focused on what this man was needing help with, and also the experience of self sabotage from not having considered the abuse that I was allowing to not help this man, and also the experience of this when not considering the whole world, and how I've relatedand separated  myself from it. I mean why do I care so much about wanting to help this man, when I wasn't even allowing myself to support myself and my life HERE, and see the abuse I accept and allow as separation from the people around me, which is really separation from this whole world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have been completely HERE when having had the opportunity to help the man and his child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have went into positive backchat when going into the store, within the hope that I was going to help this man, which placing value on this man, and myself as "good" within the situation of him needing money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this intense energetic emotion of anger/sadness when having seen that I wasn't able to help the man because I had seen that I was too much in my mind, and then seeing the abuse this man was going through with his child, and then getting angry  at myself and saddened by how the world operates and allows men and their children to live poor on the streets, barely being able to live in a room for just a night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize, that I have separated myself   From the abuse in this world, and from how this world operates, within my limited fears of who I think I am in relationship to it, and therefor not seeing the real abuse that is in this situation with the man and his child, which is that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the emotional experience of self sabotage, placing myself as the more important one, and my mere experience of myself within how I relate to this world, and to the situation with the man and his child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value of one person over another, and therefor having had an emotional connection with people who suffer, instead of having a physical connection with myself, and how I can utilize my relationship/separation to the abuse in this world,a which is the very existence within myself, and how I've separated myself from it within feelings, emotions, love and light, the real shit that has been the cause of my own accepted and allowed abuse. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse the abuse within my world, within my environment, through only wanting to protect the mere feeling of who I am, the idea, and not actually allow myself to change every aspect that I can, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be completely focused and willing to change myself, in order to really see the change in this world, and to actually live the change, and stop the a use in real time, by stopping the excuses to allow self sabotage, sadness, anger, and to actually start practically changing myself within what and how I want to see the world change.

Within this, I see and realize that it will take physical work, physical application, and stopping emotions, stopping the excuses within myself to actually  start living change, and living support, and stopping the abuse within my world, and quit thinking I must help the poor, when I haven't even seen how I relate myself to the poor, and the abuse the poor go through.

When and as I see myself feeling saddened and angry at the world, at myself for what I've Ccepted and allowed, I stop, I breath, and I understand that I have practically accepted and allowed shit, lived it out, and within this, knowing that there are solutions, which feeling upset, simply isn't a solution, and is all just self sabotaging nonsense, allowing the bullshit to rumble, and where I can sadden myself back to the same abusive patterns.

I commit myself to start working more on myself, to stop expecting motivation, and to start actually pushing through all obstacles that I can, and if I fall then I get up and I keep pushing, keep this purpose of changing myself, to live out change, and not only see change, but see it as a reference point, that I must work harder, and I cannot stop within what ive seen change in, because, most likely, it will take more than a life time to stop ALL the abuse in this world, and therefor I must keep going,until  it is done, and must keep living in a purpose for that which is best for all, to Live as the words I speak within my blogs, vlogs, to live change. Therefor within this, I commit myself to give up desires, give up old relationships, and to live this, through applying myself within common sense, meaning that which is common in this world, and what I can use within that common understanding, and create a sense out of it, and therefor using this common sense, to walk out of emotions, thoughts, participations of abuse, however seeing I will have inevitable falls, and therefor within this common sense, not self sabotaging my falls, but finding solutions to not fall again.

Day 7 - fearing my thoughts, and experiences.

So there was an interesting situation that happened within myself, a sort of paranoia hallucination type feeling, after I was at a cigar bar down town. It seems that when I smoke or am around cigar smoke, it gives me this initial anxiety. Usually when it is night time, this anxiety turn into this hyper intense paranoia, so much that it's like my experience, is like this heavy negative and scary feeling on my body. Now, this heavy feeling is merely the effects of the cigar reacting physically with my brain, which if you've never had a cigar, some can be quite strong.

So where does this feeling and experience related to the heavy dizzy feeling come from? Well, it comes from my relationship with altering feelings that relate to the effect a cigar has on me, to the time when I used to smoke weed, and do psychedelics. Basically, when I smoked weed, or did psychedelics, I felt extremely paranoid, self conscious, not knowing what to feel or think, and therefor, this stuff has really altered my mental experience, and also therefor my living experience, because before all of this shit, I never had these scary feelings, or freaked out moments, and this has also contributed to my schizophrenia, and the way I experience myself in certain situations of my life.

It's funny how easily these substances can just fall in the hands of an adolescent or even a child, who is completely naive to the point at which these substances can effect the mind, and once the child/adolescent is exposed to it, most of the time these things are used consistently, or depending on their minds, and how eaches mind functions, can cause such a drastic effect, such  as myself being an example. So within this point, I see that this was a consequence I accepted and allowed, which I understand that my guardians or people who were supposed to be a better influence, were a factor, as well as the education system - meaning how this world educates our children all together, but, it was my choice, and I abused these substances, and now I am facing these experiences, and also facing how I experience myself as a whole already.

However within all of this, i will say this, the chances of me having been as concerned about wanting to stop these experiences of feeling like shit all of the time, and having my experience being altered, to where I was accessing points in my mind that I never experienced before these substances, I probably wouldn't have discovered desteni. So not to say that these drugs are somehow "life changing for the better" lol, but just saying from my personal experience, I wouldn't probably have ever considered looking up the things I did. So for the reader, I would highly suggest staying away from any kind of drug, besides drugs that are prescribed by professional support.

So this is the point I'm facing, my consequence of using drugs, and being mentally influenced, to the point where I have these scares, and frights, and this "not knowing what to do" experience, which has abdicated allot of my ability to have a more clear perspective of things, which not singling myself out as someone "I'll", but simply understanding that I must utilize this point over time, untill I'm no longer effected by it.

Self forgiveness will continue in part 2.

Day 6 - redefining aggression part 3

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel aggressive towards desteni attackers/aggressors, within the fear that they are trying to attack my self expression, as a destonian. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from desteni attackers, as if they are inferior to me within the sense that - because they don't understand, I am somehow superior. Thus I see here that I am no better than them within my process, because they are at their point within their process, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to desteni attackers processes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize, that I have used aggression,as a. Defense mechanism to not just do this process for myself, but instead compare myself to others processes, and try and live out these characters I've created in my mind as "destonian" and not instead just live out what I've seen from desteni, and show it, and live it too myself, in order to make is much easier on my process, within this support of living what I've seen from destonians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor judge myself within what I share, what I'm expressing, because I have always wanted to be accepted, and always wanted to have others see me do my process, when not seeing and realizing, that it doesn't make a difference whether others see it or not, because I am the living example of what I accept and allow. Thus within this, I commit myself to let go of all of the wants and needs within myself to want to impress others, and other destonians, and to start changing this pattern, by living out change throughout my day, and proving it to myself, and stop this aggressive mood within myself towards others in my world, as if they are somehow inferior to me and what I'm expressing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus get this feeling of embarrassment, or failure, because I feel like no matter what I do, I will never achieve life, when not seeing that life is already here, and it just takes letting go of the ego, to live what's here, and breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from my "friend" in fear of him being aggressive, or in fear that the past will unfold again, and will manifest itself in front of me, where I think he will judge me for cleaning my yard in the late afternoon.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that in the past, I have been equally liable for being aggressive, and for experiencing separation and manifesting abuse towards this "friend", and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as better than this friend, as if I am somehow the "innocent", and he is somehow the "nice", and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my aggression/lack of self responsibility/lack of doing my process in equality to others, towards my friend, in order to not see myself, see myself for my own acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus not face my acceptances and allowances in real time, and start changing myself for what I have allowed within myself, and the consequences I have created in my life. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to thus walk through all points of energy, ego, and separation as much as I can.

When and as I see myself fearing aggression, within the actuality that I am only merely projecting my aggression towards another, I stop, I breath, and I walk out of the projection, by taking self responsibility for my experiences, and what I am accepting and allowing as limitation.

When and as I see myself separating myself from a desteni attacker, I stop, and breath, and I see where I have allowed conflict, and separation within myself, towards the desteni group, towards my environment, and I walk through my accepted and allowed ego as this "great destonian", and I stop the nonsense, and stop this idea that I am a guru, god, and I practically walk with what's here, enjoy my self expression, and enjoy my process, by applying myself to my process, and actually living it.

I commit myself to thus attempt the 21 day challenge, of stopping all thoughts from directing me, and taking all the self responsibility I can.

Day 5 - redefining aggression part 2

So in the previous blog, I had open up a couple of points in relationship to the term/word "aggression". I had seen that I had been so scared of it, because I see that my father in the past would express aggression, and this would mean punishment in the past when I was a child, and so therefor, I had seen this caused aggression within myself, because I felt limited when he was aggressive, and I'm therefor still walking this process in order to unravel the tangled idea that I am limited within seeing aggression, or just simply fearing aggression.

So to open up my experience of aggression today, I had experienced aggression, maybe not necessarily anger, but the aggression of defending myself within a 2 instances.

1 instance, was I saw people who were attacking desteni, or questioning destenis purpose. In the past, this has accumulated waaaay too much, and within my point of giving up my ego and mind in order to see the real truth of desteni, I would always have this conflict, and aggression between desteni, or the attackers. Now however, It is way to fucking obvious that the material of desteni, and our purpose, is that which is best for this world, because the principles we share are considering every aspect of life, which is all that is here to support. Regardless, this still caused aggression, because I had seen aggressors, others minds, and therefor I felt like I had to defend my self expression as a destonian, against the aggressors, which really, is aggression, and really, means that I still have work within myself to do, to where I can see and respond myself as equal to aggressors/attackers towards desteni, because after all, the reason desteni exists, is to show that we are our own creators of existence, and must work with this accepted and allowed point, in order to live out equality/what's best for all, which means yes, even attackers to desteni are equal, which this opens up a realization - why not enjoy myself as equal to everyone, why have all of this aggression, and this experience of isolation, just to "protect myself from self expression" because then really, I am only protecting an idea of my self expression, which is really the representation, that I am still lacking much self expression, because I allow myself to be defined by what others have told me in the past, who I ought to be, how I'm supposed to be, when really, it was all lies, and I've used self deception within myself, through trying to portray "self expression" towards others, and thus within this, am the aggressor, am the one who is no better than a desteni attacker.

The 2nd instance, was when I had a old "friend" stop by next door. I went to go out and sweep and clean the patio and lawn, but I had seen it was sort of later in the day. I had so many reactions from hearing this neighbor talk over the fence, and remembered how aggressive our relationship was, how aggressive I was. I had all sorts of backchat, "they're going to yell at me for making too much noise, because they are the fucking aggressors". And so within this, I see that I am only projecting my past experiences towards this "friend". Yes we had fights and I felt like it was the wrong person to be around, but hell, he could've very well felt the same way, and so what does this show? It shows that I have been in this illusion that aggression is this thing that "happens to me". Therefor from all the experiences I had from my father telling me that I was doing something wrong - I have used these memories to project aggression in my world and have used it to "prevent" aggression from my world from people I "experienced them being aggressive", and therefor within this, I see and realize that I have been the aggressor all along, no matter if someone beats my head into the ground, because I EXIST in and as aggression.

Self forgiveness will continue in part 3.

Day 4 - redefining aggression

So within this post, I'm going to redefine my relationship to the term "aggression", and will be seeing where I've limited myself from the ability to express myself freely and with enjoyment when I see aggression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within the idea that aggression is something to be feared, or something that is scary, or something that should make me feel uncomfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel scary, uncomfortable, and afraid when around aggression, from the memory of my father being aggressive, and thus having related myself to my father in fear that when he is/was aggressive, it is something that I should for some reason react to, because aggression is "scary".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my father when he is aggressive, because I had the relationship to this aggression, as if something bad was going to happen, such as being punished, or something that he would express in which I would feel limited, or frustrated with, which thus seeing that that something bad happening, would be my inability to express myself, or my inability to stop my father from punishing me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor relate aggression to punishment, to where when I see aggression, I think that my self expression would be punished, or would be impeded because "there's simply nothing I can do, I'll inevitably be punished and there's nothing I can do or say about it".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get a sense of anxiety when I see aggression, or separation, because I see it within myself, and that I have accepted and allowed this point of limitation - the fear of being punished, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the excuse not to express myself freely and enjoyably, because of this in depth fear of being punished, within the idea that no matter what I do or say, my self expression will be punished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor have limited myself within this fear of aggression, to not take self responsibility, and to not express myself within living, because I have had this in depth idea that if I do, then I will somehow be punished, or will end up in suffering from expressing myself in living - response ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame when I see aggression from my father, or from K, or anyone, within seeing that point within myself that I have limited myself within the fear of being punished for expressing myself in self response-ability, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the excuse to not push through limitations, because I fear that the people around me will be aggressive towards it.

I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to hold this projection towards the people around me, that my limitations are their fault, when seeing that this aggression is really something that is also within myself, because I've refused to give up this system of blame, aggression, and excuse to not take self responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my experiences and limitations, and therefor see this aggression as a scapegoat to feel like I'm more valuable within myself because "they're just aggressive, and I am only doing what's best, what he fuck are they limiting me". Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within this idea that others are limiting me, when not seeing and realizing that I simply see that I am in a situation and position of relationships that are inevitably limited within past manipulations, and thus within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize, that I am equally responsible and liable for being aggressive, and abusive, and thus  within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define aggression, as this outside force, instead of seeing aggression as myself, and within and as my participation to the consequences of aggression within my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus hold others points against them, instead of working within myself, to see solutions within communicating better to support the people around me into what's best, and seeing that, clearly even though these individuals still are within their own minds, I've proven to myself that in certain areas, there is opportunity for better relationships, and better use of those relationships to see within myself, that I can work with these individuals, even if there are disorders within myself in relationship to them. Within this I see that I don't have to take their points personally, or take my reactions to them personally, but to practically work within myself, how I can better the situation in relationship to these individuals, through working within myself, and also taking self response ability within my own experiences, and also by doing physical work, like working for my work force, doing chores, and also having fun and enjoying myself within activities, such as my band/music for equality.

This will expand in part 2

Day 3 - inner conflict within thinking something is wrong with me - self corrective statements continued

When and as I see myself experiencing conflict within myself towards K, I stop, I breath, and I stop any judgements towards her, and I reflect on what I'm fearing within myself, and to focus on how I can support her within communication, and within the point of discussing things that are fun, within the context of understanding that what I see within her, is actually myself, and to apply self responsibility within communication, or if not communication, rather focusing on the point of self awareness, and direct my thoughts and feelings through assessing them through self forgiveness, and dissecting the point that I mainly feel conflicted towards K, and to continue practicing redirecting within self awareness, when around K.

I see and realize, that I am only projecting my insecurities of what I've limited myself within of thinking I'm somehow "nice" or "better than" K, because I have always limited myself within thinking I require relying on how she expresses herself, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my self expression, is K's self expression, and that I am somehow dictated by how K expresses herself. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame K for her expression, because I have limited myself within depending on her expression, emotionally, to survive within my emotionally dependent expressions. I thus commit myself within this, to discover how I can express myself around other people, and see how I can direct myself within projections, and emotionally dependent reactions, and redirect them within supportive responses.

When and as I see myself losing myself within trying to portray myself as "nice" as a defense mechanism to seeing K's expression, I stop, I breath, and I push myself to focus on what's most supportive within communication to K, and if not in communication, what is most supportive to direct myself through my relationship to K's expression, within this seeing that I must learn to respond to her expressions, and see how I can support myself first, within being around K, whether I see her expressions as "good" or as "bad", and thus within this, discovering how I perceive K within how I've related myself to K.

I see and realize that me thinking K is "mean" is a limited judgement that I have used to not express myself towards K, in what I want within my relationship to her, and that I must utilize this perception, while at the same time applying solutions to when I feel uncomfortable around K, and to open up opportunities to communicate with K, in a way that I see most supportive for myself within being around K, within K's specific expression.

I commit myself to open up my next blog, in how I've limited myself within the definition of "aggression", and to walk through this definition, and to redefine it in a way that is more supportive within seeing how I can better respond to aggression, and take response ability for myself when faced with "aggression"/my perception of aggression.

I commit myself to STOP pretending to "feel nice", and to START LIVING and BREATHING and DIRECTING what's SUPPORTIVE. No more accepting and allowing BULLSHIT ideas that I'm somehow this nice person, but to live what nice really means. Within this, I commit myself to redefine "nice" as what I've related it as to "aggression", and to see within myself how I can live in a way that is actually supportive, and to walk through real time, out of the illusion of "nice".

I commit myself to rather direct conflict and backchat, through letting go of the experience, within self forgiveness, and to apply self correction within how I experience myself when K is expressing herself as "aggressive". Thus, when and as I see myself reacting to K within my perception of her being "aggressive", I stop, I breath, and I first, try and move the conversation into something that we would both find intriguing or interesting, and to first practice this approach every time I experience myself within perceiving her as being "aggressive", and or see what she wants to talk about that could potentially be supportive, and if it doesn't work out, simply focus on physical responsibility, first breathing, physically moving, and then seeing what is best to move myself within what's most supportive for myself within what's here. So for future reference, when and as I see that there isn't a compromise within communication, I continue what I am doing around K physically, or I do something else that is mores supportive than what I intended initially around K.

I commit myself to stop protecting these ideas, by walking my process through focusing on what best supports myself within my relationships, and thus within this, apply those same principles when around K, and to no longer accept false ideations, or experiences, to limit myself from what I know is supportive, and within this, implying within myself that I know who I am, which is living, which responsibility, which is equal to life, and thus, learning to apply these principles to my life, and to my relationships, including with K.

I see and realize that this paranoia, is a representation my mind is playing out, that I am losing touch with myself, and thus when and as I see myself feeling paranoid with what I'm doing, within allowing fears and limitations of myself around K that I've laid out her within correction, and if it comes to a point of paranoia, Immediately stop any thoughts, any reactions, and I focus hard on physical movement, and I direct myself back to practical awareness! and stop the self sabotage, stop the excuses to not direct myself within what I've laid out here, and to walk out of the experience, within seeing practically what I've placed as support for myself her in these self corrective statements. Thus within this, before I decide to go around k, I commit myself to always read this blog, and to also expand myself within my awareness of myself when around k, through finding moments to forgive myself, and to expand on self corrective application.

Day 2 - inner conflict within thinking something is wrong with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience conflict within myself, within the idea that "something's wrong with me".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that something is wrong with me, when around K, out of the relationship I have always experienced myself with K, within the idea that I'm somehow expressing myself incorrectly. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience this, because of how I perceive her as doing something wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor have initially judged K within my idea of her doing something "wrong, bad, inappropriate", and thus within this experience of inner conflict within myself towards her, I want to protect myself within the idea that "something's wrong with me".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her as her doing something "wrong, bad, inappropriate", due to the past relationship of having been in conflict with her, and to have created the idea within myself, that there's something wrong with me, simply due to the fact that I have an understanding that I experience conflict within myself towards her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor experience conflict towards her when I hear her express herself in a way of being "mean". Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to thus see her expressing herself in what I've always percieved as "mean", and then trying to protect myself within the idea that "I'm better than her, she's mean and I'm nice"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor lose myself within this projection, within trying to protect myself under the definition of "nice".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor fear being around K, because I see that I have this lie within myself on how I've related myself to K, to where I see that I am trying to protect myself as "nice", within the relationship to her being "mean".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think K is "mean" when I see her expressing aggression. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define aggression as "mean, wrong, inappropriate" within the experience of this being negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus defend myself as "nice" in order to defend the experience I get when I see K expressing aggression, as a way of feeling better about myself when around her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor place all of my focus on K, as being aggressive, and thus having the expectation that she is going to continue being aggressive. Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to try and control how K is expressing herself, out of the fear of her being aggressive. Within this, I forgive myself for no accepting and allowing myself, to see and realize that I am in fact trying to only control how she expresses herself, because I fear within myself that I will react In aggression towards her, and so seeing this, I think something is wrong with me, because I have used self sabotage within my expression towards her, in order to prevent conflict with her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within all of this, by going in the back of my mind, to try and protect all of the ideas of myself, and all of my mind relationships, within the understanding that my relationship to these things, have been created within in relationship towards K, which thus seeing that there's inner conflict within myself already, that I have gone into the pattern of protecting these relationships, because I have always tried to protect the idea of myself within relationship to K, and seeing that it becomes more obvious when I see her expressing herself in a specific way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to therefor become paranoid of what I'm doing, or if something bad is going to happen, while around K.

When and as I see myself within the idea and experience of "something is wrong with me", I stop, and breath, and I redirect myself within seeing that I am practically here, doing what I have to do, and then from this point, direct myself through the point of self responsibility, and find that moment to investigate what I think is wrong within myself.

When and as I see myself going through the experience that I'm doing something wrong around K, I stop, I breath, and I track back to the point where I had percieved her as doing something wrong.

I see and realize that when I think something is wrong with me, it is simply me trying to protect myself in relationship to K as the point of wanting to be better than her, within the context of doing something "right".

Will continue in part 2.

Day 1 -knowing I'm schizophrenic, and embracing myself

So I have learned fully today, that I'm schizophrenic. I am experiencing panic, and experiencing the point of not knowing what to do. I have realized that I have walked this process, not being completely aware that I am schizophrenic, and allot of consequences have happened because of this, that I wasn't self honest about taking care of, and thus, now I am breathing, and walking through the point of embracing myself, my past, my consequence within my own mind and physical body, to where I can now take on this point of schizophrenia, and can assist myself with my professional support, and can assist myself additionally with the tools of desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have been self honest within the point of being schizophrenic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have see and realized, that I must takes self responsibility for my schizophrenia, because I am in a point of having multiple personalities try and emerge themselves T once, which within this, see that I must direct myself in real time, and to assist myself with activities, such as music, walking, exercising, breathing, playing with my dog, going for drives, and to walk myself, and take it slow within myself, to assist and support myself within the understanding, that I am schizophrenic, and have a dis functioning within myself, that requires being taken care of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus compare myself to other destonians, because I have seen that they are able to simply write very structurally, and very consistently, but not seeing and realizing that I am disabled in being able to just sit down and write, and must instead, walk my points within real time, in order to assist myself in doing my best in writing out my points in my daily blogs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to not see and realize that if I do not take care of myself, and take it slow, that I will continue losing functionality, and will not be able to take care of myself, which thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to fear taking on responsibilities, because I see that there are points of anger and rage within myself, that tend to want to emerge themselves allot, and that within this, I have seen that the possessions have been too much to handle at times. Thus within this, I see and realize that I must apply tools, reading, and expanding my education, and cognition with self directive tools, in order to assist and support myself, in seeing how I relate myself to other people, within my condition of schizophrenia.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become scared, and activate the personality of anger, to where I see that I am schizophrenic, that I have lived this way, and that I have lived out personalities that created consequences, and have not taken self responsibility for these experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that I must learn how to best support myself, without allowing fear to take over me, and to build a support system around me, to where I can support myself in becoming more effective when dealing with my personality possessions. Within this, I see and realize that I must prevent possessions, through taking things slow, through listening to desteni material, to read books, to talk to my family, and to not be afraid that I'm going to hurt other people around me, because I am in a position of being schizophrenic, so therefor I must accept myself as life within equal to others, and embrace myself with schizophrenia, and learn to deal with it.

Within this, I commit myself to walk this process, within the support of my family, destonians, my professional support, and to see that I can walk this process as long  as I understand who I am within my process, which is a schizophrenic, and to not victimize myself, but to rather embrace myself, and to learn strength , and to learn who I am in relationship to other people as personalities, and as the experience of being schizophrenic.

Within this, I commit myself to stand in this process, and to walk this process by directing myself within practical application - scheduling my activities, breathing, writing in my journal, and learning who I am within my schizophrenia/personalities, and learning how I experience myself within personalities, and personality possessions.

I commit myself to thus make a schedule for today, on what I'm going to do - write self forgiveness on my fear and reactions from seeing I am schizophrenic in my journal, then to clean my house, etc.