So there was an interesting situation that happened within myself, a sort of paranoia hallucination type feeling, after I was at a cigar bar down town. It seems that when I smoke or am around cigar smoke, it gives me this initial anxiety. Usually when it is night time, this anxiety turn into this hyper intense paranoia, so much that it's like my experience, is like this heavy negative and scary feeling on my body. Now, this heavy feeling is merely the effects of the cigar reacting physically with my brain, which if you've never had a cigar, some can be quite strong.
So where does this feeling and experience related to the heavy dizzy feeling come from? Well, it comes from my relationship with altering feelings that relate to the effect a cigar has on me, to the time when I used to smoke weed, and do psychedelics. Basically, when I smoked weed, or did psychedelics, I felt extremely paranoid, self conscious, not knowing what to feel or think, and therefor, this stuff has really altered my mental experience, and also therefor my living experience, because before all of this shit, I never had these scary feelings, or freaked out moments, and this has also contributed to my schizophrenia, and the way I experience myself in certain situations of my life.
It's funny how easily these substances can just fall in the hands of an adolescent or even a child, who is completely naive to the point at which these substances can effect the mind, and once the child/adolescent is exposed to it, most of the time these things are used consistently, or depending on their minds, and how eaches mind functions, can cause such a drastic effect, such as myself being an example. So within this point, I see that this was a consequence I accepted and allowed, which I understand that my guardians or people who were supposed to be a better influence, were a factor, as well as the education system - meaning how this world educates our children all together, but, it was my choice, and I abused these substances, and now I am facing these experiences, and also facing how I experience myself as a whole already.
However within all of this, i will say this, the chances of me having been as concerned about wanting to stop these experiences of feeling like shit all of the time, and having my experience being altered, to where I was accessing points in my mind that I never experienced before these substances, I probably wouldn't have discovered desteni. So not to say that these drugs are somehow "life changing for the better" lol, but just saying from my personal experience, I wouldn't probably have ever considered looking up the things I did. So for the reader, I would highly suggest staying away from any kind of drug, besides drugs that are prescribed by professional support.
So this is the point I'm facing, my consequence of using drugs, and being mentally influenced, to the point where I have these scares, and frights, and this "not knowing what to do" experience, which has abdicated allot of my ability to have a more clear perspective of things, which not singling myself out as someone "I'll", but simply understanding that I must utilize this point over time, untill I'm no longer effected by it.
Self forgiveness will continue in part 2.
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