So there is a point where I have developed back into a self conscious state. Things start becoming more frustrating, irritating, and allot of inner conflict starts reoccurring because of this point of self consciousness about either my physical appearance, my intelligence, how good of a person I am, etc.
So what has been occurring from consequence within this is allot of resentment towards the people around me, where I will start blaming them in my mind, anytime I sense there presence, and it just on't go away. There's so much inner dialog of defense systems for my position of being good enough, in where I'm really abusing myself and being hard on myself for how I look, or where Ii'm at in my life, where I just feel like shit the more the days pass by, and really I just want to flip my shit on the world, on the people around me, but am suppresing it with trying to keep up with being accepted by others, which clearly isn't going to fucking happen.
What I must understand is - no one gives a fuck, or is going to give a fuck about me as much as I give a fuck about me. In this world, we were all built this way, where we have no full unconditional care for another human for what's best for their life, and even if we did, we still have our own lives to take care of, and can't just have success and a fulfilling life handed to us through a spoon.
So the point is trying to be so accepted by others through looks, intelligence, and just trying to appear strong a possible "be a fucking man". So I'm hard on myself, and I punish myself for how I look, for where I'm at in my life, and just have so much inner conflict that really is all surrounded by me not believing I'm good enough for myself to accept myself.
It's a very tricky point to get lost into, because it really affects how one feels in their own skin.
So It's time to develop some comfortably within myself here. Regardless if I am fat, not so intellectual, so successful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for being fat, for being not as intelligent, for hating myself for where I'm at in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get frustrated with myself in everything I do, because I am just constantly punishing myself, in where I therefor never feel good enough to do anything, in where I end up just further punishing myself and compounding anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pent up this anger and then direct it towards other to try to deliberately make them feel worse than the shit I feel inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction to the point of anger within myself, rather than directing it through self forgiveness. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be patient within the anger point to discover where it really comes from, and how I could direct the point through writing out self forgiveness to release the point more clearly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the delusions of wanting to "look attractive" in where I want to be accepted, or fulfill n illusion of happiness, when not seeing and realizing that I am merely buying into the consumerism, sex side of the system in this reality in where I will only fuck myself over by participating in those systems, even when knowing how much bullshit the dynamics are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself therefor for being fat, or for not being as capable for a female, when not seeing and realizing hat I am preconceiving what it means to be effective in a relationhip, as if it has anything to do with looks, when clearly it has nothing to do with it but the intimacy with the other person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted nd allowed myself to attach my ego to this "intelligent" personality, in where I believe I have to be better, when not seeing and realizing that it is a practical expression of who I am here as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, and then judge others for how they are, when not seeing and realizing how limited it is to judge each's expressions as something better or worse, when in reality it is something practical that is used as a tool for the person to effectively participate in their world around them - the mind being the tool.
When and as I see myself going into anger, and self judgement, Ii stop and breath, and I do not further punish myself, or go into the point of accumulating the desires of wanting to "look attractive", or "be intelligent", and to learn and develop self acceptance.
I commit myself to redefine what is "beautiful".
