So in the previous blog, I had open up a couple of points in relationship to the term/word "aggression". I had seen that I had been so scared of it, because I see that my father in the past would express aggression, and this would mean punishment in the past when I was a child, and so therefor, I had seen this caused aggression within myself, because I felt limited when he was aggressive, and I'm therefor still walking this process in order to unravel the tangled idea that I am limited within seeing aggression, or just simply fearing aggression.
So to open up my experience of aggression today, I had experienced aggression, maybe not necessarily anger, but the aggression of defending myself within a 2 instances.
1 instance, was I saw people who were attacking desteni, or questioning destenis purpose. In the past, this has accumulated waaaay too much, and within my point of giving up my ego and mind in order to see the real truth of desteni, I would always have this conflict, and aggression between desteni, or the attackers. Now however, It is way to fucking obvious that the material of desteni, and our purpose, is that which is best for this world, because the principles we share are considering every aspect of life, which is all that is here to support. Regardless, this still caused aggression, because I had seen aggressors, others minds, and therefor I felt like I had to defend my self expression as a destonian, against the aggressors, which really, is aggression, and really, means that I still have work within myself to do, to where I can see and respond myself as equal to aggressors/attackers towards desteni, because after all, the reason desteni exists, is to show that we are our own creators of existence, and must work with this accepted and allowed point, in order to live out equality/what's best for all, which means yes, even attackers to desteni are equal, which this opens up a realization - why not enjoy myself as equal to everyone, why have all of this aggression, and this experience of isolation, just to "protect myself from self expression" because then really, I am only protecting an idea of my self expression, which is really the representation, that I am still lacking much self expression, because I allow myself to be defined by what others have told me in the past, who I ought to be, how I'm supposed to be, when really, it was all lies, and I've used self deception within myself, through trying to portray "self expression" towards others, and thus within this, am the aggressor, am the one who is no better than a desteni attacker.
The 2nd instance, was when I had a old "friend" stop by next door. I went to go out and sweep and clean the patio and lawn, but I had seen it was sort of later in the day. I had so many reactions from hearing this neighbor talk over the fence, and remembered how aggressive our relationship was, how aggressive I was. I had all sorts of backchat, "they're going to yell at me for making too much noise, because they are the fucking aggressors". And so within this, I see that I am only projecting my past experiences towards this "friend". Yes we had fights and I felt like it was the wrong person to be around, but hell, he could've very well felt the same way, and so what does this show? It shows that I have been in this illusion that aggression is this thing that "happens to me". Therefor from all the experiences I had from my father telling me that I was doing something wrong - I have used these memories to project aggression in my world and have used it to "prevent" aggression from my world from people I "experienced them being aggressive", and therefor within this, I see and realize that I have been the aggressor all along, no matter if someone beats my head into the ground, because I EXIST in and as aggression.
Self forgiveness will continue in part 3.
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