So in the previous vlog, I had opened up a point on becoming frightened, or getting this sense of heavy anxiety. Well, I decided to postpone the 2nd part for tomorrow, and tonight, focus on a situation I faced with a man who I encountered at the store parking lot.
So I was getting out of my truck, and I saw a man talking to a man getting in his car. I sort of had this knowingness that the man was going to approach me. I had this point of separation from the man, where I was somewhat afraid of him coming to talk to me, because I knew he would probably ask for money, or help with something. So the man came over, and asked for help, I said "sure what do you need help with", he said he had a son with him, and he couldn't afford to pay for staying in a room for a night. I immediatly reacted into making excuses why I couldn't help him - no money, Idk if I could trust him. I naturally said, "I only have my moms credit card", but then I wondered if maybe he had a phone that I could contact him on once I would have a way of helping the man and his child, which I didn't necessarily have an idea of how this would work. So I asked him if he had a phone, and he said his minutes were ran out. At this point, I immediatly went into the conclusion that I couldn't help him, but I sort of tried to just have a conversation with him, maybe getting to know him, but he was in a hurry (within his situation of needing money) and so we said our goodbyes.
I went into the store, and I went into all though of how I could've helped him better, like maybe I. Pudge simply gave him my phone number for him to contact me, and then some way I could help him. So once I checked out, I wrote down my number, and went out, got in my truck, and drove around to find him. Well, I couldn't find him, so I headed home. Suddenly I got this feeling of guilt, and self blame, and then I felt angry at the world, and then I felt sad, looking at the potential that I could've used to help this man and his child, and I blamed myself for not having been HERE, breathing, and having been much more directive within helping this man with his child, and then within this, I almost wanted to cry. So I tried letting go of the point, but when I walked in my house, I experienced this sadness/anger within myself, and as I talked to my mom, I sort of just wanted to go to my room, and then my dog came to play with me, but then I had seen that I was irritated with the dog, and so this was where it had to stop, this self sabotage, this self blame, because what is feeling sad and angry going to do, only separate myself further from what's here, and so this was the sign to write this blog.
Things that I need to take into consideration here, is why do I feel sad and the anger at he same time, because if these emotions were really valid, when seeing that someone is living pretty much on the streets to survive, when there is abuse like this all over this world. So why have I placed so much value towards this specific man and his child, when I haven't even considered the suffering that goes on all around in this world.
So I see this situation - not having been focused on what this man was needing help with, and also the experience of self sabotage from not having considered the abuse that I was allowing to not help this man, and also the experience of this when not considering the whole world, and how I've relatedand separated myself from it. I mean why do I care so much about wanting to help this man, when I wasn't even allowing myself to support myself and my life HERE, and see the abuse I accept and allow as separation from the people around me, which is really separation from this whole world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have been completely HERE when having had the opportunity to help the man and his child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have went into positive backchat when going into the store, within the hope that I was going to help this man, which placing value on this man, and myself as "good" within the situation of him needing money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this intense energetic emotion of anger/sadness when having seen that I wasn't able to help the man because I had seen that I was too much in my mind, and then seeing the abuse this man was going through with his child, and then getting angry at myself and saddened by how the world operates and allows men and their children to live poor on the streets, barely being able to live in a room for just a night.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize, that I have separated myself From the abuse in this world, and from how this world operates, within my limited fears of who I think I am in relationship to it, and therefor not seeing the real abuse that is in this situation with the man and his child, which is that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the emotional experience of self sabotage, placing myself as the more important one, and my mere experience of myself within how I relate to this world, and to the situation with the man and his child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value of one person over another, and therefor having had an emotional connection with people who suffer, instead of having a physical connection with myself, and how I can utilize my relationship/separation to the abuse in this world,a which is the very existence within myself, and how I've separated myself from it within feelings, emotions, love and light, the real shit that has been the cause of my own accepted and allowed abuse. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse the abuse within my world, within my environment, through only wanting to protect the mere feeling of who I am, the idea, and not actually allow myself to change every aspect that I can, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be completely focused and willing to change myself, in order to really see the change in this world, and to actually live the change, and stop the a use in real time, by stopping the excuses to allow self sabotage, sadness, anger, and to actually start practically changing myself within what and how I want to see the world change.
Within this, I see and realize that it will take physical work, physical application, and stopping emotions, stopping the excuses within myself to actually start living change, and living support, and stopping the abuse within my world, and quit thinking I must help the poor, when I haven't even seen how I relate myself to the poor, and the abuse the poor go through.
When and as I see myself feeling saddened and angry at the world, at myself for what I've Ccepted and allowed, I stop, I breath, and I understand that I have practically accepted and allowed shit, lived it out, and within this, knowing that there are solutions, which feeling upset, simply isn't a solution, and is all just self sabotaging nonsense, allowing the bullshit to rumble, and where I can sadden myself back to the same abusive patterns.
I commit myself to start working more on myself, to stop expecting motivation, and to start actually pushing through all obstacles that I can, and if I fall then I get up and I keep pushing, keep this purpose of changing myself, to live out change, and not only see change, but see it as a reference point, that I must work harder, and I cannot stop within what ive seen change in, because, most likely, it will take more than a life time to stop ALL the abuse in this world, and therefor I must keep going,until it is done, and must keep living in a purpose for that which is best for all, to Live as the words I speak within my blogs, vlogs, to live change. Therefor within this, I commit myself to give up desires, give up old relationships, and to live this, through applying myself within common sense, meaning that which is common in this world, and what I can use within that common understanding, and create a sense out of it, and therefor using this common sense, to walk out of emotions, thoughts, participations of abuse, however seeing I will have inevitable falls, and therefor within this common sense, not self sabotaging my falls, but finding solutions to not fall again.
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