So I was opening up the point of becoming very anxious, scared, within how I experience myself when smoking cigars, or around around cigar smoke, and how this has related to the mental reaction I get to the experience from the cigar smoke, and also why this occurs within myself- So there was an interesting situation that happened within myself, a sort of paranoia hallucination type feeling, after I was at a cigar bar down town. It seems that when I smoke or am around cigar smoke, it gives me this initial anxiety. Usually when it is night time, this anxiety turn into this hyper intense paranoia, so much that it's like my experience, is like this heavy negative and scary feeling on my body. Now, this heavy feeling is merely the effects of the cigar reacting physically with my brain, which if you've never had a cigar, some can be quite strong.
So where does this feeling and experience related to the heavy dizzy feeling come from? Well, it comes from my relationship with altering feelings that relate to the effect a cigar has on me, to the time when I used to smoke weed, and do psychedelics. Basically, when I smoked weed, or did psychedelics, I felt extremely paranoid, self conscious, not knowing what to feel or think, and therefor, this stuff has really altered my mental experience, and also therefor my living experience, because before all of this shit, I never had these scary feelings, or freaked out moments, and this has also contributed to my schizophrenia, and the way I experience myself in certain situations of my life.
Self forgiveness statements:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get anxiety when I inhale cigar smoke, within when I see that I feel this altering physical change in my brain and body, I automatically relate the experiences I had with weed and psychedelics, the hallucination paranoia state.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the cigar, instead of seeing how I relate to the feeling the cigar gives me, and utilizing that feeling, and walking through it within the practical understanding, that my body is simply experiencing the heavy, dizzy feeling. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breath through the anxiety, and rather walk through what fears I have in relationship to the anxiety, maybe what I was already experiencing and fearful of beforehand, and then to see how I can stop the paranoia, intense anxiety.
Within this, when and as I see myself inhaling cigar smoke, whether deliberately or whether around it, and see myself getting this heavy dizzy feeling, I stop, I breath, and I immediately start working with what's here. Focusing on the practical solutions we my environment, and understanding that it is simply a physical change within myself, and that this change is simply effecting my brain, and the chemical functioning relation of my brain, and body.
Within this, I commit myself to not fear this feeling, but rather see what experiences come up, focus on that one experience, assess it, and forgive it, or if in a busy situation, focusing on what's here, on breath, and focusing on how I can improve my self expression within the physical changes from the cigar smoke.
I commit myself to buy a cigar, slowly smoke it, and then start off in an alone enironment, listen to music, and analyze what changes are happening, see what thoughts come up, and then utilize what I assess as the main experience I have.
Then when I'm comfortable with the first step, I commit myself to go back to the cigar bar, simply be around the smoke in the air, and then utilize what I experience as how I've laid out the tools for the first step, and then when I'm ready, smoke a cigar, while around cigar smoke, and then apply these tools.
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