Day 50 - always having to be the pretty boy with the big toys and the big boys.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a huge ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to be a big boy, who wants the big toys, so that I can feel bigger than others, and then insert my knowledge into people who clearly see how full of shit I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be better than my fellow man/human/living beings, and only want the big boy toys for myself and feel big, so that others can bow down to my presence, not seeing and realizing that I m only comforting/conforming myself with bullshit status superficial gargan that I can therefor feel better and feel richer, and feel and experience all of these great superior motives and things that I just come up within my mind.

Day 49 - self consciousness, and the war within

So there is a point where I have developed back into a self conscious state. Things start becoming more frustrating, irritating, and allot of inner conflict starts reoccurring because of this point of self consciousness about either my physical appearance, my intelligence, how good of a person I am, etc.

So what has been occurring from consequence within this is allot of resentment towards the people around me, where I will start blaming them in my mind, anytime I sense there presence, and it just on't go away. There's so much inner dialog of defense systems for my position of being good enough, in where I'm really abusing myself and being hard on myself for how I look, or where Ii'm at in my life, where I just feel like shit the more the days pass by, and really I just want to flip my shit on the world, on the people around me, but am suppresing it with trying to keep up with being accepted by others, which clearly isn't going to fucking happen. 

What I must understand is - no one gives a fuck, or is going to give a fuck about me as much as I give a fuck about me. In this world, we were all built this way, where we have no full unconditional care for another human for what's best for their life, and even if we did, we still have our own lives to take care of, and can't just have success and a fulfilling life handed to us through a spoon.

So the point is trying to be so accepted by others through looks, intelligence, and just trying to appear strong a possible "be a fucking man". So I'm hard on myself, and I punish myself for how I look, for where I'm at in my life, and just have so much inner conflict that really is all surrounded by me not believing I'm good enough for myself to accept myself. 

It's a very tricky point to get lost into, because it really affects how one feels in their own skin.

So It's time to develop some comfortably within myself here. Regardless if I am fat, not so intellectual, so successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for being fat, for being not as intelligent, for hating myself for where I'm at in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get frustrated with myself in everything I do, because I am just constantly punishing myself, in where I therefor never feel good enough to do anything, in where I end up just further punishing myself and compounding anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pent up this anger and then direct it towards other to try to deliberately make them feel worse than the shit I feel inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction to the point of anger within myself, rather than directing it through self forgiveness. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be patient within the anger point to discover where it really comes from, and how I could direct the point through writing out self forgiveness to release the point more clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the delusions of wanting to "look attractive" in where I want to be accepted, or fulfill n illusion of happiness, when not seeing and realizing that I am merely buying into the consumerism, sex side of the system in this reality in where I will only fuck myself over by participating in those systems, even when knowing how much bullshit the dynamics are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself therefor for being fat, or for not being as capable for a female, when not seeing and realizing hat I am preconceiving what it means to be effective in a relationhip, as if it has anything to do with looks, when clearly it has nothing to do with it but the intimacy with the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted nd allowed myself to attach my ego to this "intelligent" personality, in where I believe I have to be better, when not seeing and realizing that it is a practical expression of who I am here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, and then judge others for how they are, when not seeing and realizing how limited it is to judge each's expressions as something better or worse, when in reality it is something practical that is used as a tool for the person to effectively participate in their world around them - the mind being the tool.

When and as I see myself going into anger, and self judgement, Ii stop and breath, and I do not further punish myself, or go into the point of accumulating the desires of wanting to "look attractive", or "be intelligent", and to learn and develop self acceptance.

I commit myself to redefine what is "beautiful".

day 48 - My turning point in process

So I would like to write about where, and when my turning point in process occurred, in where it was a turning point for the process itself, but as how I experienced myself after that point as a whole.

It started when I went to go pick up Adrian Blackburn (fellow destonian) from the airport in Fort Worth Texas. On the way I was very excited, on a happy trip, and was still on my medications seroquel. I was in a state in my life where I had fallen so much into psychiatry, and was absolutely miserable in having to take the meds and feel so dumbed down and sedated.

So I got to the airport, and picked up Adrian. He welcomed me with a huge embracing hug, in which I was too much in my mind to take in the moment for what it really was, and happened to state "wow that was a big bear hug", as if I was surprised to receive such a welcoming hug. We got in the truck, and decided to head towards Austin Texas already. So not shortly after we made the decision, I was still on a very high in my mind, very much into the whole law of attraction, and wanting to be a super pop star famous musician, Ii mean just all of the positivity in the world right. Well, shortly after, I commented on the GPS voice, and I said "bitch shut up". Well then, Adrian happened to reply "wow there was allot of charge in that word". After this, everything came to life - my mind, all of the secrete pent up anger, desires, just everything. I started having a breakdown, and just was freaking out within myself. Now taking into the fact I was still coming off the meds, this was probably a big factor to what I was experiencing, but of course I was seeing the reality of the mind once again. So I started being unable to function with riving, becaue I was just having so much anxiety that I couldn't even move at some points, and was just absolutely scared of everything around me. So Adrian decided to drive, but then I was to nervous to let him drive, and so I decided to drive to the nearest hotel, no matter how expensive it was. I just had to get into a "safe place" and lay down and breath.

It was very supportive having Adrian there with me, because he explained to me that it was just all in my head, and to just breath. At this point, I just started voicing all of my points out to Adrian, in which he was very easily able to identify what I was going through, and my whole situation in why I experienced so much fear. The conclusion came down to the fact that Ii just simply didn't have enough self trust, and that I depended so much on the mind, on possessions, and psychiatry, as if there was always this feeling that something was wrong with me.

So long story short, this hole trip was eye opening. We went to Austin the next day, and each day felt more calming, relaxing, and I felt more self confident than ever before, as Adrian supported me so much with the best advice I've ever received for my specific situation, that it all made sense. So many realizations came up for both of us, and I saw the world for what it really was in the most practical sense I've ever seen this world. It was clearly fucked up, and I had to remain in self trust, I had to gift myself self love, and to not trust anybody but myself, because after all, I was the only one who had the authority of who I would define myself, and create myself to be.

Now there has been problems still ever since I got back home in Midland, but It's all being taking care of, and I get back up from my falls, and have been applying myself more effectively, within the whole sensation within myself that I am me, I am here, and no one can fuck with that, and I can always trust myself, regardless of what I experience, regardless of where I am. Also, to help that more, is to stay of cigarettes, booz, weed, porn, and allowing any participation in the mind.

I've learned to truly love myself allot more fully, even though there's still missing links, there is still that self awareness of who I really am, within the fact that Ii know I'm not some inferior person to anyone else, or superior, in that I can therefor embrace everything in this life as for what it is, and to recreate this world in a place that is best for all.

Thank you Adrian, you truly are a friend who cares so much, and it was the absolute changing point for my life all together. My life has changed because of your support and the trip we had, and I know I will be successful as a person in this life because of it.

Day 46 - entertaining my mind to suppress the reality of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind as entertainment to escape the reality of what is here. Which I understand that I have had some vitamin b12, and coffee which increased physical energy, but yet using this energy to entertain thoughts, where I'm not taking directive responsibility for what's here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush within myself, as seeing that - yes, my body may be working a bit faster because of the energy, but to not go into mental energetic experiences and to slow down within the mind.

When and as I see myself going into mental experiences, I stop and breath, and I take it back to physical practicality as of what is here, and go through the process of releasing whatever mental points I'm experiencing, and to start working with what is here.

I commit myself to therefor work physically on things, where I'm focused on self development, and to work out of the mind with what is here.

Day 45 - being impatient when practicing guitar.

So I notice that I have a tendency to pick up my instrument, and when I practice or study the craft, I have little patients for developing my skill. I'll read alittle, play alittle, and put it down. So I see that just simply not putting in consistent work ethic, is a problem from getting better and moving forward quickly towards my career in music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put in the effort that I expect to manifest results equal to that effort, and being disappointed when I don't see the results.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself, to see and realize, that with time and patients, reaps great rewards, as I already have results for the limited styles that I play which I do nearly at a proficient level due to the amount of hours and work I've put into those styles I'm really good add, specifically finger style percussive.

When and as I see myself getting impatient, I stop, I breath, and I simply find a way to enjoy the process of learning, knowing that I'm supporting myself as a musician.

I commit myself to practice for 25 minutes at a time, and to schedule my practice times, as well as getting in the most comfortable setting I can to effectively practice and improve as a musician.

Day 44 - believing that I am not a good enough player at guitar

so today I went to the music store, and started playing on the guitars and the amps that I wanted. I was playing some intervals and rifts that I've been learning, and started being excited about how well I was playing compared to how I've recently been playing before. So it was a fun experience, but then I started saying to myself "I'm still not good enough". So it's like, even though I'm playing music, I'm not being HERE with what I'm playing, and actually enjoying it, yet telling myself "still not 'as good'".

Now there's nothing wrong with knowing I could be better, but I need to understand that It's the journey as a musician/artist that counts, and not expecting anything more than what I'm playing in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not a good enough guitar player when I play, out of the judgement that others are better, and therefor that somehow doesn't make me a worthy Enough musician/artist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being a great musician, as something aligned with my worthiness as a musician, rather than being grateful, and happy with how well I play now, and how fun the journey is going to be from now until I die as a musician/artist.

I see and realize that I should be easy on myself, and grateful that I play what I play, and express what I express, as well as being enthused about what will come in the future, such as my potential in colleges, or bands, or meeting other musicians.

I commit myself to be here as breath with expressing music, as well as working towards small step goals that I can be grateful for as a musician/artist.

Day 43 - addiction to escapism, not dealing with my reality.

So tonight I had a setback from dealing with getting off meds. I was planning on only taking 400 milligrams, but instead near midnight took 600 just about. I did it while I was listening to the crucifixion of Jesus, and started reacting toward it, and then I realized the high from the meds was wearing off, and I wasn't hungry anymore, and so I immediately took the med, and ate allot of food.

See, drugs, whether they are illegal or not,  are there for numbi out the reHELLity that we have created within us, which I see this, yet, I decide to define it as a hell, and so its entertained as such.

So, maybe I shouldn't be hard on myself for buying into the extra 200, because tapering off actually is suggested to do it for weeks at a time. Never the less, I need to aim for 400 milligrams at night.

What I noticed is that my feelings of living expression are coming out, and also I'm more effective without being drugged up so much. So I enjoy it as a loving expression.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to drug myself up to escape my owned preprogramming, and where I want to suppress everything through drugs and food, where I can just act like it's not there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared when a specific experience comes up, like believing that I'm demon possessed, or God possessed, or where I react and fear certain information and fear something bad happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically breath, and practice breathing more, and focus on writing out my experience, and forgiving any points I use that experience to justify abusing my mind body and beingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work as a group, and for real change, by being apart of the change that is best for all, and stop making excuses such as "hallucinations are too hard to deal with" or where I blame everybody and my experience of paranoia on medication.

I see and realize that I have the power to take self responsibility, but must do it and learn from mistakes, which I need to test out my medications with how I can taper off, and be more responsible and eventually totally get off of the medications.

I commit myself to not go cold turkey off meds, as well as work on breathing through mental, being, and physical experiences off the meds.

Day 42 - agitation with family

today has been alittle different than when I was taking 800 mg of seroquel. I woke up feeling agitated towards my family. It was like I was blaming them for how I felt, and so when they talked to me, I had this feeling of like "fuck just leave me alone."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel agitated towards my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath while feeling agitated, and rather than blaming them and being disrespectful towards them, I could've slowed down and been more nice, and receptive to what they were telling me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a rush when being around my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to just blow them off, without slowing down, and listening to what they have to say.

When and as I see myself feeling agitated due to coming off the meds, I stop I breath, and I pay attention to my breath, and reference back to what's supportive/fun, and I commit myself to always relate support, as fun.

Day 41 - conflicting thoughts, part 2 - seeing my symptoms

So I noticed last night, that I was showing some symptoms of schizophrenia when working.

My body was manifesting it and I would have these automatic impulses towards others. Not like in a dangerous way, but just reactive movements.

I see that this can be prevented however through breathing, and not thinking so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through conflicting thoughts towards my coworkers, rather than being here as breath, and seeing opportunities, and the potential harmony I could have with them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only think of myself in the situation of the work routine, and not see the potential of how we could work as a better team, with considering my coworkers on a positive and friendly way, along with the customers.

I commit myself to breath while at work, and look in a positive perspective with my coworkers and customers. I commit myself within this to study up on your wish is your command.

Day 40 - thinking conflicting thoughts about my co workers and costumers part 1

I don't know if you e ever applied for a job that was dealing with customer service, or where you had to move quickly with customers and co workers, where at first you just have automatic negative reactions. Well, I had allot of negative, and very overwhelming reactions at my job starting off.

I would constantly have this sour feel to my face, and aggression within my tone and body language. Luckily I was taken back to the Taco Bell line, that allowed a good break for the rest of the shift from customers face to face.

So what is it that causes me to have these reactions? Is it because I'm scared of taking things personally, and others seeing that I'm sensitive, and therefor I have this apprehensive reaction towards everybody as if they're out to hurt me, or look at me in this form of separation.

That's a good point. What keeps this separated perspective, where we feel like we aren't together as one in this world, when it's clear as day with night goggles on, that we all are one, and require supporting each other, have fun, and live together in harmony. I would say that If we all accepted this very real concept as a species, there would be Much less experiences of separation, or where the environments we end up in most of the time that cause that separated experience, wouldn't exist anymore.

Self forgiveness will be in part 2

Day 39 - expecting different results from old thought/behavioral patterns

I forgive myself (while loving self) that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into old obsessions through thought and behavior, when reacting to certain comments on Facebook, where I want to go into conflict with the opposer that I've created in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open to critical comments, and instead of defending myself, rather expand on the information from the person who is giving critique towards what I've put out there n my fb page.

When and as I see myself reacting to critical comments towards what I put out, I stop, breath, let go, and take a break for a moment, and then focus on something else, or come back to the comment and breath, whilst using processing the information in a principle of equality.

I commit myself to this corrective statement.

Thank you.

Day 38 - a new start on life.

in the past 2 months, I've been though a few versions of hell and back. First and most importantly, was when I ended up in jail for 2 days due to being lost in a delusion. I personally don't want to explain the facts, but let's just say jail is the definition of abuse in this world. I felt like I had no purpose, that I was a nobody who society hates.

Before then I was in the hospital, getting treatment for being diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now regardless if I have a mental illness, or whether there isn't such thing, and it's simply all a consequence of fucking up our minds, I will say that I need to stay on my medications prescribed.

I learned allot about myself and this world, and people, and with being in a hospital surrounded by patients, and jail surrounded by general population, I had certainly broken the introverted Nick, and scared of people nick, scared to express myself Nick to a good degree.

From this point forward and already having made good improvement, I'm going to look in front of me and not in the rear view mirror, unless I need to write sf on points.

I am stable on my medications now, and have a real positive practical mind set about my life, and what I will accept and what I will not accept through principles from desteni, and other sources.

I have goals to achieve, and changes to make, and ultimately to influence at greater positions to change this world into a place that is best for all.

Im taking things slow and steady, yet progressive.

Thank you desteni :).

Day 37 - fearing ng my demon/demons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my demon/demons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the woman, because I know what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear kids. Because I know what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love the demon, instead of releasing the demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain, but know, that I have the ability to endure pain, and not be afraid of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the woman, because I know that I have created a demon that wants to harm women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be unchanged moor table, not seeing that I welcome it, bbecause I know that I have so much potential, not to harm, fuck that, I am here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark, not seeing that I come from darkness, fuck off demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncomfortablility, because of the fear of hurting someone, women. - emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a bully, fuck that, no more comfort ability for this fucking bully.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not practically be here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work for my family, not fuck around with demon shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practically take self responsibility in every moment of breath, and not t allow energy to take over and possess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the medication, and not practically take self responsibility for what is here.

I commit myself to go get a job at 7-11 today.

Day 36 - masturbation

When we masturbate, we connect with the universe.

When we masturbate, we cleanse our bodies through piss, shit, sweat, and coughing, and other forms of clearing waiste.

When we have sex, we support each other through cleansing our bodies, and enjoying the experience of physical activities, just like exercising.

Day 35 - I wait for me, under an influence. Part 2

Ive come to understand one thing, that has been the base line out of why I fear change. 

So I'll explain what has been occurring in my mind experience, and life experience at the moment which lead up to this point, which, I won't cover it up as if this is the breakthrough point of empowering myself, but, it very well is something I must write out, because this has been the absolute biggest point that has influenced all of my inability to REALLY do process.

So in these past 2 weeks, I have been in the pickle of seeing my own self destruction. I have seen primarily, how through participating in sex/porn, that this is the main key to destroying your life lmao. So, I have been seeing all around me, people point out all of my shit. I ask desteni "why is this happening, why is everything interconnected with my self destruction, where all of reality is throwing it right in my face?" Well, this is probably something I'm actually grateful for now, within this realization I will explain.

I have taken this pain that I experience with having to change, this ENORMOUS pain, where it's like, I can't face that pain, it's just absolutely too much, and no matter what I would do, I would absolutely be obliterated by what comes my way. So because of this, I might as well hide in my bedroom, in my moms house, and just wait for something to happen, and enjoy these last moments of my life before hell breaks lose, and I'm totally already fallen and deluded where I won't know what to do when it comes.

Now, in this time in hiding, I have been literally focusing 98% of my attention on desteni material. So, I know that I can't lie to myself knowing that I know I have to change, and I know deep inside me wants to change, otherwise I wouldn't be investing this much time in the material. In this time, I have learned about way more information. Such as the history of the universe, and mankind. I have gained allot of information from sunnett, Bernard, and destonians. Lol, and also have gotten some exposer for my bullshit, yet thankfully support afterwards. Now, it's only been about 3 weeks at most that I have masturbated to porn, and because of this, the temptation has been creeping up, especially once I stopped trying to move forward and face the hard shit. Yet, I'm grateful for this point.

I was just recently laying down, and I was scrolling through the news feed on fb, and saw this woman who was posed in a video with most of her ass showing, and in this perceived sexual position, which she ended up dancing, but clearly that much exposer was intended to attract males to start rubbing themselves off, or at least view and like the video. Anyways, I immediately had the sexual system energy flowing through. I was like "pornhub pornhub pornhub pornhub!!!" In my mind. Now, I started breathing immediately, because I knew that I really didn't want to further the shit I'm in already, even though that energy in itself is going to create consequence. Now I decided to go to YouTube and look at more desteni videos, but still, that absolute need to rub one off was there, but I just breathed through it. While I was looking for desteni videos, I came across an anti hate video from one of the destonians. I noticed that I usually would hide myself from the haters comments, but this time I decided to look anyways. Such things like "wtf is this satanist cult" " this is wierd fuck this cult". Then I decided to go to fb and deliberately look for that video with the woman's ass. Then at this point, I totally stopped. Got out of bed, and walked outside. I had this very pissed off sickening feeling, and at the moment I'm having allot of conflict with myself, my family. 

Then it clicked. I realized, that I have been allowing people all in my life, the system, people who are absolutely full of shit and abusive intent, who only cared to have manipulated me for their intent of gaining power, to have total power over me.. Whenever I have tried to break free, I was destroyed. Whenever I have tried to tell people what I was seeing and genuinely feeling, they would use that against me and tell me it was my fault. All of this has correlated throughout my life, as it has through many others, who have wanted to break out of this system, and people, and the system itself just beats a club over your head saying "listen to me, I am your authority, I know what's best". It's so easy to blame those who have created this, and yet I have accepted and allowed it, but at the same time, I know that I have totally been manipulated and decided by the system. However, I still accept and allow manipulation within my own participation in the same system.

So, what I know, is that I can't depend on anyone to coddle me in helping me figure out this life, and what's best for me. Therefor, there's no reason to fear the system in its entirety, because that isn't who I am, and I know that my fears have only been created through manipulation and deception, and therefor, I'm only fearing losing myself within the point of know I have lost myself most of my life.

So, this isn't some point to say I'm totally committed to process, because honestly, I can't step out of my house without becoming shit scared of everything around me. But I do know, that I have been fucked with into this state, and therefor have fucked myself into this state, because of the simple fact that I have feared losing myself, and resented those who have contributed to that fear.

The journey starts when I am ready, I know, and It happens in a single breath, I know. There's no excuses to be made, and I will only prove it to myself once each action is accumulated in consistency., and knowing that there isn't some magical person who will do it for me.

I want a life that is dignified, and I know I have the potential. No beautiful self motivation, but the simple self realization of who I really can become.

Like Bernard said in a video interview, something along the lines of "when I fall, I immediately respond. It's my fucking life. You don't fuck around with that shit."

I either am empowered by who I know I am in this moment, or I allow my fears that were the origin of abusers and decievers to control me...

More blogs will be here to come.

Day 34 - I wait for time, while my life isn't infinite....

I have made it clear to myself, the currently aware consequences of what will happen if I do not move myself in each moment of breath here, to make sure I am not intensifying whatever cycle I've been in for these last some odd years of this "process", and before I discovered desteni.

I wait for time to do the work for me, because I have depended my self worth, experience, and what I identify with on my mind.

I woke up this morning, just absolutely siked out in my mind. My thoughts gave my this experience of how fucking evil I am. I disregarded everything, even in that moment, and went back to sleep. I then had a dream where I was talking to this cashier, and I said some statement, and she said "ummm.. Ok?", and then I woke up, and had this thought that was super magnified, where I thought to myself "fat people are fat because they want to start a revolution". Then I proceeded for one second to actually believe that thought to be valid, in where I would go out and tell that to everybody. I felt very fucking dumb, and also realized, that I am allowing my life to be controlled by the parasitic  fucking nature of my mind.

When I was in Oklahoma City, Where I was living there was these 2 dogs I had to take care of. They seemed fine on the surface, but then once I looked at their bodies after about a week, I noticed there were these white bumps on them. It looked disgusting. So I called my birth mom who I was staying with, and sent her a picture. Well come to find out they were ticks, blood suckers. One of the dogs that lived with her ended up dieing because the of these blood suckers. So these dogs were being eaten away by parasites, which I come to understand now that parasites like ticks are the manifestation of the human mind.

So, I am being controlled by a tick inside my head, who is sucking the life out of me, and I can slowly but surely get rid of this ticks, yet I am just laying in a huge field of ticks, and allowing my body to rot, literally. The one visual evidence is my teeth. I barely noticed 2 days ago that I have tooth decay, and last night more of it showed up, and so I figured out that I have a cavity that has this red center spot, digging into my enamel. Also, with having lacked myself to get ahold of a dentist, I have a speeding ticket that I have to pay off in 14 days, and I don't even have a job. So here I am, laying in my bed, just wanting my mind to be reprogrammed in an instant, and fearing the pain I'm going to have to endure to actually fight off this huge tick, and while I'm waiting for time to cure me, my life is slowly but surely rotting away.

There was a point where I was at least doing some sort of movement forward just a few days ago, and I really fucking realized, "wow, this fucking sucks shit" because the harsh truth that I have to face, and the real change I have to be consistent with to eradicate all of the fucked up shit in this life. Shortly I ended up giving into the resistance, which I didn't really look at it this way, more like "the world is too hard, I'm just going to hide from it", when I in fact created it. However, even though the extensive pain that comes with process, it is nothing compared to the real pain that I am allowing to manifest by not doing anything. If I allowed myself to lay here and hope for time to cure me and this world any further, I will encounter some very, very real pain, and maybe even death. Who knows, I could lay here for another week, and I get a deep infection in my mouth, and then because I don't want to face my reality, just let it be, and then I have a warrant for my arrest because I didn't show up to curt, and then go to jail, and have to face that environment, and then the infection gets worse, and Im REALLY facing myself in jail, because that's just simply looking a good extent of the abuse in this world right in the face. Then I end up getting sick because the infection, and I don't get treated, and I end up dieing... It seems a bit over exaggerated from how quickly I'd die, but the point is, Is that I have accepted this of myself. I have accepted the idea, that I don't deserve to live a cool life, or at least the coolest I can possibly have it be considering consequences I'm really facing. I have told myself "Nick, you're a piece of shit human, everybody knows it, and because of that, you deserve nothing, and you need to just sit back, and know that that is all you will ever be. Just fucking lay in bed, and let your life go to shit and waiste. Don't fight the good fight and stand for yourself, because everybody deserves it but you."


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for my life, in the actual real time movement, to support myself, and truly live in each moment, push through resistance, challenges, because I fear the pain that I know comes with change, and believe that pain to be a reason why I shouldn't go through with changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a life of unnecessary suffering, restriction, and limitation, because I have existed as this character that I have hidin behind, to validate the fucked up shit I am not willing to take responsibility for, because I separate myself from everybody else, and separate me from me, and don't want to admit that I am creating massive amounts of suffering, FOR MYSELF AS WELL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize, that allowing this energetic attachment to what I've used to make me feel good, is actually sickening, fucked up, and the reason why the consequences I'm facing exist, because I have allowed people to suffer in my name, along with killing myself for the sake of a fucking illusion.

I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base what I do, on how I feel, instead of who I am, because I know, that who I am REALLY, was always meant to be life, and that a glimps of my is still there, and that I see what I am doing to myself, and the life that I know I can really bring out and live, and not destroy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify feeling and experience, over the real issue and real pain that exists. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want my positive fix, and NOT really be self honest with what I want, which is to live in this world, and create myself in his world as a man who doesn't take anything less than what is best for everyone., because it also includes myself, in which looking at what I am existing as, I am not doing myself any good by holding on to bullshit ideas that I believe are serving me and the people I only could wish I had some real fucking consideration for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept that it's going to be very difficult, especially at first, but that I know damn fucking well, that if I simply allow myself to trust myself, that I can get through however long it may take to become consistent and effective, and create results that will support me, and that I know I will be way more fucking thankful for, than living like a peice of shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider this world, and that there are people that suffer way worse, and also, that there are going to be people that will be in my similar shoes, who will miss their chance at living their best life, if I don't step the fuck up and take the up most responsibility for myself, because I know that I would be in a way worse scenario, if it weren't for those who unconditionally supported me, and to this day still do, and who I know won't quit, and for me to just sit here and disregard them for everything they have done for me,  and not apply what they have given to me, is really fucking shitty.

When and as I see myself becoming very eager to quit, simply because I am experiencing resistance, pain, and challenge, I stop, I breath, I slow the fuck down, stop what I'm doing if I have to, and reassess what I really want for myself, and for this world that I know I would want for others, because I know I would want it for myself.

I commit myself to this one commitment, if it has to be a commitment, that I will not allow the suffering, and fucked up shitty existence that I haveaccepted and allowed up to this point, and that no matter how tough shit gets, that I know I have support, and that I know I have self trust, and breath to validate that there is no excuse to not move forward at all times until it is done. I have a head, I have hands, I have a full functioning, currently a little bit weak, but healthy functioning body, and that there is no fucking excuse to say that a fucking experience is the reason why I can't change.

Day 33 - Accepting less than what I'm truly capable of

         




          There's a point that I've recognized, which is that I allow less than what I'm truly capable of. I've accepted the habits and efforts of somebody who is weak minded.


       
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept less effort, and less forms of habits, than what I'm truly capable of putting forth.


        
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect results to come my way , when not seeing and understanding, that I must put in the most amount of effort possible to succeed.


        
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define happiness as this immediate energetic emotional feeling that "must exist", when not seeing and realizing. that physical effort, yet with conviction and building belief, is the only way to truly be happy.


         
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses to not truly act with my most effort, because I allow the fear of exposing myself to high uncomfortability, and pain take over instead of looking at what's absolutely best for myself and the mark that I'm perfectly capable of making in this world.


        
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect the world to owe me, when not seeing and understanding, that I am no better or more worth anyone else, and must take strong action to give to this world, and not just simply take for my personal self interests.


       
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up temporary pleasures, and comfort for intense uncomfortability, and growth. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not sacrifice and dedicate my life to what's best for myself, and this world.


        
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not fully stick with the commitment of hard work, regardless of how difficult and tough things tend to get.


        


           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect luxury and great things, simply by wishing it, instead of actually putting in the intense amount of work that is required to get to the point I need to be at.


       
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play scenarios in my head of how hard I'm working, instead of being present and actually doing the hard amount of work that I require to do, to get to a greater version of myself.


   
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think these scenarios, because I would rather have attention for my personal interests, than the actual results that contribute to society, people I care about, myself, and my character.


 
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not place full focus on what it is that builds me, and allows that, than what destroys and limits me and that which is best for this world.


 
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and understand, that what's best for this world is a place that supports all life equally, and to give my full contribution and expression that's most genuine and best for this world, starting from people like family, to the masses.



           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame other people, and separate myself from them, as if they are the cause of my lack of fulfillment and happiness.


   
           I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see and understand, that true happiness comes from taking full self responsibility, and giving as much as I can to others and this world.


 
           I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other people on how they are, because I'm insecure with the fact that I'm not fully expressing my effort and responsibility in this world. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not want to do something, and allow that to control me, instead of to committing to the principle of doing everything I must do to be the best version of myself, and to equally give my all in empathy and consideration to other people/humans, and all life on earth.


   
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider all life on earth, because I have only considered my own "happiness" in the delusions I use to make myself feel better than others as more successful, or more attractive, and generally dominant.


   
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be dominant, because I know that I'm insecure about my competence in this world, and therefor crave attention for what I'm really not.



          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wish for the attention of what I do, because I hold value towards what other people think, due to the lack of security within myself as to who I am. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to link euphoria to this idea of attention that people giving or might/will give to me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not value the reality of what I am as physical expression, and what I can work very hard for, to get to the goal of contributing to other people, and the world.



          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to value comfort over the value of change and growth, for the betterment of myself and this world, because of the conditioning of false pleasures that only benefit quick fixes and highs that only serve my personal self interest.


 
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow feeling and mere automatic relationships, instead of causing friction and changing myself in every aspect of who I am, regardless of how difficult it is.


  
         When and as I see myself not putting in the full amount of effort that I'm capable of putting in, I stop, and breath, and I look at what I can do better than what I'm putting forth. Then immediately take massive action without hesitation at all!!


  
         When and as I see myself becoming entitled to have greatness, I stop, and breath, and I immediately take action into the intent of giving to myself the ability to work my fucking ass off, on the real value of expressing my full potential, and contributing that needed responsibility to the world.


   
        When and as I see myself going into energetic states of what happiness "should be", with wishful thinking that gives me the feeling that I'll receive attention for the idea of myself, I stop, and breath, and I immediately take action with the most intense effort possible without any excuses to what some bullshit delusional mind energy will give me.


    
        When and as I see, myself only considering myself in this world, and in each situation that I'm in, I stop, and breath, and realize that my comfortability, isn't nearly as important as the betterment of this world, and my ability to fully express my total potential.


  
        When and as I see myself wanting to settle for comfortable situations, instead of pushing myself, and totally acting on the commitment to bettering myself at the best effort each and every day, I stop, and breath, and I understand that whatever I'm painfully experiencing, is always something to be grateful for, and looked at as a blessing, to drive myself to expose myself to more of it, in order for strength, and growth.


    
        When and as I see myself in an extremely tough place, and I want to just give up, I stop, and breath, and I remember that giving my all, and slamming the pedal through those tough times, is the best way to learn, strengthen, and grow into a man that I absolutely need to be, and can perfectly acquire.


 
        When and as I see myself going into a wishful state of thinking, simply out of expecting luxury, I stop, and breath, and I go back into reality, which is who I am in this moment, being grateful for what's in my life, and then moving forward with intense effort, and no excuse but to work my ass off with conviction and a burning drive that I will become the best version of myself, and create the best results for this world.


 
        When and as I see myself creating the idea that I'm working hard, instead of actually in physical time (with no thought), putting in the hardest work that I can possibly put in.


 
        When and as I see myself day dreaming of having attention, for being this "great person", I stop, and breath, and I self honestly look at what I'm lacking in true character, and I improve that point of what I'm lacking in, but without expecting other people to see me do it, but for what's truly valuable - life, expression, the well being of humans, plants, and animals, and true fulfillments and enjoyment.


  
       When and as I see myself losing focus on what's most effective, and best for myself, and the betterment of this world, out of wanting to stick to comfortability, and temporary/false pleasure, I stop, and breath, and I immediately move myself into a state of the most focus I can possibly give, with the tools I have, and with physically acting at full physical effort.


  
       When and as I see myself falling into the mind, of self interest, and comfortability, I stop, and breath, and I walk into self forgiveness statements, that open up the understanding, that I must live my purpose as life here on earth, to contribute to what is absolutely best for all life, and not just my personal satisfaction/delusion.


  
       When and as I see myself going into blaming other people for my failures, my shortcomings, my experiences, my feeling, and my circumstances, I stop, and breath, and I immediately write down 5 things that I'm lacking in, and then next to it, put - why the fuck haven't I done anything about this, and then do something about it, with completely letting go of the separation between myself, and anyone, no matter who it is.
   
       I see and realize, that taking 100% full self responsibility - giving to others, and this world my best physical output, that this is the true source of fulfillment, happiness, and success.
   
      When and as I see myself comparing myself to others as "they are better/worse than me in this particular trait" I stop, and breath, and I practically see that I must reference back to the point of becoming the best version of myself, for the purpose, of giving to this world, and its ability to fulfill its fullest potential and purpose.
   
      I see and realize that accepting and allowing delusions and experiences to exist as valid, and then allowing them to manifest with my own personal deluded self interests, are the very essence of the problem of why I fail, why I cause abuse to others, and do not fully fulfill my purpose in giving as I would like to receive, in taking full self responsibility.
   
      When and as I see myself expecting attention, or fantasizing about the attention I would get from others for some quality I have, I stop, and breath, and I do not follow into the point of accepting or allowing myself to separate myself from others in any form as being "better than" them, and to focus on the value of giving, and contributing to this world with humbleness, and not with trying to show off.
   
      I commit myself to always value physical potential, expression, and contribution over any type of ego boost, or mental energetic experience that only separates myself from others, for my own self interest in gaining power. Within this, I see and realize that the only real value comes from what gives life its fullest expression, which means that I must gift myself my fullest expression, through hard work, and change, with intense passion, and effort.
   
      I commit myself, to growth, to ultimate change every day, and to never expect anything less, than what's best for the moment HERE, that will actually change myself for real, which initially will be very painful, but is necessary to grow into the best version of myself, so that I can give to myself, and this world the best possible outcome.
    
      I commit myself to always be in the moment, as much as I can, with hard effort, without allowing my emotional state to dictate what, or who I am, and the full effort I require to grow, and to change, for the betterment of not only myself, but this world.

Day 32 - Procrastination with the excuse that there's nothing to do

The problem I've been having, and accepting and allowing, is procrastinating with the idea that there is nothing to do, when In fact I have multiple options that would make my time productive and useful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to waiste time through procrastination and not doing anything because of the excuse that there's nothing to do, when I'm really just not wanting to put in the effort, and not wanting to experience the physical force it requires, because I've accepted and allowed myself to define working my hardest as "bad", or "boring", when I'n fact, regardless of how challenging it is, I could benifit in the long term if I would just move myself, and develop a perspective that work is something that I can enjoy, and to define what the real experience of working is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look at the micro situations, of telling myself "well this isn't working out currently", when not realizing that I have so much benifit from working my hardest, believing in myself with self confidence, and through having practical patients and faith that it will all work out, without anything being fear driven. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at the future of what I am capable of, and focusing on what It is that I am aiming for.

When and as I see myself holding back through procrastination, with making the excuse that I have nothing else to do, I stop, and breath, and I move myself to doing something that benifits my goals of what I want to be and do in the future.

I commit myself to work my hardest, yet not too hard, and to focus on the macro situatin that I am aiming for in my life with no excuses or waisting time.

Day 32 - Procrastination with the excuse that there's nothing to do

The problem I've been having, and accepting and allowing, is procrastinating with the idea that there is nothing to do, when In fact I have multiple options that would make my time productive and useful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to waiste time through procrastination and not doing anything because of the excuse that there's nothing to do, when I'm really just not wanting to put in the effort, and not wanting to experience the physical force it requires, because I've accepted and allowed myself to define working my hardest as "bad", or "boring", when I'n fact, regardless of how challenging it is, I could benifit in the long term if I would just move myself, and develop a perspective that work is something that I can enjoy, and to define what the real experience of working is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look at the micro situations, of telling myself "well this isn't working out currently", when not realizing that I have so much benifit from working my hardest, believing in myself with self confidence, and through having practical patients and faith that it will all work out, without anything being fear driven. Within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at the future of what I am capable of, and focusing on what It is that I am aiming for.

When and as I see myself holding back through procrastination, with making the excuse that I have nothing else to do, I stop, and breath, and I move myself to doing something that benifits my goals of what I want to be and do in the future.

I commit myself to work my hardest, yet not too hard, and to focus on the macro situatin that I am aiming for in my life with no excuses or waisting time.

Day 31 - The resistance to commiting to action

          Today I recognized a problem within myself that I have when it comes to commiting to a schedule, activity, chore, job, or just anything in general that requires my participation. What I notice is that I get stressed easily when I'm on a busy schedule, because usually I'm ao used to sitting on my ass and not doing anything but fulfill mental pleasures that I use to escape my existence/reality.


          I ended up sleeping for 3 hours when I noticed that I was getting very stressed out. I made the feeling and experience of stress into this physical tiredness. So I waisted 3 hours getting unecessary sleep, and therefor throwing off my schedule of tasks I needed to do.


          The main pattern of thoughts and experiences that came up was the definition of - this is too much, because I'm so used to not doing anything that this chore, or activity takes too much effort from me. So this pattern tended to make my movement in what I was doing more exshausting.


SELF FORGIVENESS STATEMENTS:
          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have resistance to tasks, and therefor make it harder on myself to complete them, with the pattern of thoughts, and experiences of - this is too much, I'd rather lay down, or just chill.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generate these thoughts and experiences from old patterns/habits of not sticking to commitments of completing a task at my best ability, and slacking off from taking self responsibility in what requires my physical participation.


          I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the experience of physical effort as "bad" because I have built an addiction to pleasure, which I've related to not taking responsibility, and not physically moving myself and working on something physical that benifits me and others.


SELF COMMITMENT STATEMENTS:
          When and as I see myself experiencing resistance to tasks when telling myself "this is too much, I stop, breath, and I take a 2 minute break, and focus on the vision of what I want, and what I know is best, and then go back to the task with more clarity and confidence.


          I commit myself to develop confidence, consistency, and effectiveness in tasks, and what I participate in to achieve goals, and responsibilities.