There was a point that I had remembered facing when with my partner. I had seen within myself, that I had much inner conflict, and I didn't know how to slow myself down, and I went into major anxiety, because the experience seemed as if I couldn't stop it. So a consequence occurred because of this, and after words I "felt" better, but it only time looped the point I was facing.
So what I've been experiencing ever since I experienced all of this - anxiety, conflict, the consequence - I've sort of "given up". I basically felt like I wasn't worthy to do what I was doing before, which was working on getting myself healthy, discovering myself in different relationships, setting goals and playing them out to get to a better position environmentally and financially, etc., and the reason for this, is because of the fear of the unknown, and the fear that I would face myself in the same point of conflict, anxiety, consequence, or maybe a different outcome.
So the point is, is if I see myself in another, and that conflict within myself arises, then what's holding me back from supporting myself, and being HERE with that other person/my partner, well, it's the unwillingness to let go, to accept that I've done, felt, thought things in the past towards my partner, and have built a false relationship with her within myself. It's the very reason why I had went into such inner conflict, anxiety, because it's as if I was trying to "fix" what has already been destroyed within myself, when not seeing, that I can't try and fix everything, it's just not going to happen, and I must let go - breath, be here, stop thinking, and know that points are inevitable, and I can't even fathom every single point at once, because it must be slowly released, and then recreated into that which is best for all/the relationship with her.
This has been the underlying factor of why I had decided to end the agreement, or postpone it again, because I was scared of the unknown, which now facing this consequence, because, it's like, yes, I can't practically support another if I'm still facing myself in everyday life and still have tendencies to get disoriented and overwhelmed, but, I have used this point of ending the agreement at the same time, as a sort of "hiding" from my shit from the inner conflict.
So what I'm facing now, is being self aware, that I have accepted and allowed these overwhelming situations to occur within myself, which not only with my partner, but in jobs, in being out in public. So I see that this has placed quite a scare within myself, to where I have isolated myself in my house, not really doing anything that moves the ball forward within my process, within my relationships, within my life, and it's like this "fear of what will happen", because I am simply afraid of the unknown, what I will experience, what conflict will arise, whether I'll be able to handle it, or if it'll place me into a point of hiding again, compromising something that could've been, compromising myself in opportunities.
What I see, is that this is when I really have to stand, because I cannot dwell on points of "what could've been" any further, I must look at what I know can be done, and I must simply apply myself practically, within the tools I know, and must work with what I can do from this point forward, within the principles of self honesty, and face myself without further judgement, and to utilize when I do judge myself, get angry at myself, and to work with the inner conflict, by supporting myself with breath, with letting go, and get the ball moving, while knowing that I cannot control everything, and thus accept the unknown, and face it in due time.
Self forgiveness will continue in part 2.
No comments:
Post a Comment