So currently, I'm experiencing a point of self judgement, where I feel the need to constantly keep judging myself, to where it's a snowball of stress that is spiraling, to where I expect compinsatin through positive affirmations. I then go into more self judgement, where I see that others aren't feeling sorry for me within my personal feelings of self judgement. I then go into excuses of "I won't be able to handle work, or being active, because here I am so damn stressed".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgement, after I heard people laughing at the tennis court, when I was running, and then I heard the laughter, and related the laughter to my running, to where I went into self judgement, from the memory relationship to having been laughed at for how I was running,a nd so went into backchat and this physical restriction as if I'm weak for how I run, and therefor went into self judgement, which lead into self pity.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into self pity, and want these loving/positive affirmations, because I've always resorted to wanting to be accepted by others, because it would make me feel better about myself, and then would go into the positive backchat, and feel better. Within this, I see and realize that this purely masks the point of the nagative reaction at being made fun of/looked at as a lesser/inferior expression compared to other people.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that this want for positive affirmations, is a point of abdicating self responsibility to taking care, and working/living physical expression, as an equal and one point, where I'm no better or worse at who aI am in each moment in breath as physical expression, yet can also reflect off of the laughter,a nd see that I'm purely trying to survive under the Patton of "who looks better than the other". Therefor, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed because I fear that my image as being "good" isn't actually supportive as who I am, and this is merely an illusion that I'm trying to survive in to feel better about myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed, because I know that what I'm physicaly expressing is this separation, and therefor the more I feel seperated, the more I go into this heightened anxiety, and continuously judge myself based on how I'm experiencing myself in relationship to my environment, and females specifically.
I forgive myself that I've accted and allowed myself to fear looking bad in front of females, and therefor experience this frustration of "she's judging me and looks to me as weak, and because of this is going to take advantage of me". Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted a nd allowed myself to blame another female/other people for my personal experiences of myself, because I want to look good, and therefor I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience - the fact that I "don't look good" and then go into anxiety, frustration, and anger, when I feel that I'm not looking good to other people, even if in others perception I'm not looking good, or doing good at a sport, task, or an activity.
Part two will continue on the next day.
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